Page 17

The tension made me want so badly to prod at it, Reid.

But I knew, for certain, that I couldn’t do that tonight.

That if I did, I would never get to be a part of this group.

So I looked at the glasses on the table and said, ‘Oh, hey. I should get a round in.’ I grinned at them.

‘See? Certified card-carrying Brit already. And it’s only been ten months. ’

To my surprise, when they all gave their orders, Ryan asked quietly for a plain tonic with lime, and I wondered whether the G and Ts I thought he’d been drinking all evening had actually been non-alcoholic.

I nodded and started to head for the bar. Ryan jumped up and offered to help me, which was a second surprise.

And then, when we were at the bar, away from everyone, he said awkwardly, ‘I just wanted to… to check whether I was a dick… the other night.’

I blinked at him, remembering how he’d got carried away with talking to his brother’s friends. It had been enthusiastic and a little boring, but not obnoxious.

‘Not at all,’ I said. ‘I didn’t think you were anything but nice to talk to.’

‘Oh.’ He blinked, as if surprised. ‘That’s– that’s really good.’ He looked away from me, and then back. ‘I was worrying about it. I’m, you know, not supposed to drink. I… I turn into a real twat most of the time. When I do.’

I frowned at him, trying to read his face. ‘You did some shots, but you seemed fine. Just kind of rowdy.’ And then I looked at the two cocktails on the bar. The bartender was busy pouring a glass of wine for Kit and a vodka tonic for me. ‘So you’re basically teetotal?’

Ryan nodded. ‘Yeah, as of this year. I really need to be.’ He shook his head, and when he met my eye it was with a look of real sadness. ‘I got sick of finding out that people were angry with me the next day. I don’t think anyone likes drunk me.’ He gave a humourless laugh. ‘I definitely don’t.’

I could feel my pulse in my neck as he said it.

He’d have been drinking at the May Ball , I thought. And maybe lots of times before that. When Tanya was here…

I looked back at the drinks, trying to think of what Aria would say, instead of what Anna would.

And with a thrill of exhilaration I realised that I knew how to talk to him about this. How I might get him to open up about what he’d done.

‘Isn’t it… hard?’ I asked, after a beat. ‘When everyone else around you drinks so much?’

Ryan gave a shrug. ‘Nah, it’s mostly OK.’

I met his eye. ‘I… had a problem with that kind of thing,’ I said. ‘Not alcohol.’ I looked towards the bartender and realised he was waiting for me to pay. ‘Actually, can I get one of those elderflower tonics with ice, too?’ I asked. ‘Sorry.’

The moment the bartender had gone I said quickly and quietly, ‘It was cocaine. I… I wasn’t rational on it. And I couldn’t not take it.’ I shook my head. ‘It was all a fucking mess. But the hardest thing was trying to be around the people who were still using it.’

When the bartender came back I paid, and then I pushed the vodka tonic I’d originally ordered to one side and gathered together all the other drinks. I didn’t look at Ryan as we split them between us to carry. But I could tell that he was watching me with absolute attention.

‘I had to ask them not to use it in front of me,’ I said, once the drinks were in my hands. ‘And even now, I think it’d be hard if I was around people who were getting high all the time.’

I did look at him then, and there was a painful kind of understanding in his expression.

It was difficult to see, actually. Because while part of me was still wondering whether this guy who was bad with alcohol had killed two young women while drunk, I was acutely aware that I was lying to someone who had addiction problems.

It’s a good thing , I was trying to tell myself. This is a real connection. You can use it.

‘It is kind of shit,’ he said. ‘I mean, these guys aren’t too bad. They don’t pressure me. But it’s still…’ He shook his head. ‘I guess I just need to be tougher.’

I raised an eyebrow at him. ‘Or you need an ally.’

I walked back to the table with him, and didn’t make a big deal out of drinking my non-alcoholic tonic.

To be honest, getting to drink something soft was a relief, Reid.

I cannot drink as much as those guys and still function the next day, even at only five years older.

You’d think a few years of hanging around with Dad and his ‘Oh, I thought it was a good excuse for champagne’ style of living would have prepared me, but no. They are on a whole other level.

At that point, I’d only had a single non-alcoholic drink to break up the cocktails, but it clearly made an impression on Ryan. After that, he started making eye contact and talking to me. Even smiling and directing his jokes toward me.

And you know the nice thing, Reid? Instead of having to seduce him like everyone wanted, all I’d done was be a friend. It felt a mixture of good and like the worst kind of betrayal.

Nothing is ever simple.

It was probably only ten minutes after I got Ryan on my side that Esther asked me to go to the bathroom with her. I guessed this was a girl talk, which meant her sussing me out further. Esther wasn’t the kind of person to do things for no reason.

But when she bundled herself into the same cubicle as me, slid a notebook out of her bag and laid out two lines of white powder on it, I realised my mistake.

For a second, I was genuinely frozen. It wasn’t the drugs themselves, it was the timing, and the fact that this was cocaine. Had Ryan betrayed my secrets within minutes? Was Esther testing me?

But I shook myself and gave my pre-prepared excuse for exactly this type of situation.

‘Oh, I can’t, I’m really sorry,’ I told her. ‘If I get drugs-tested for the trials and I come up with anything in my system, I’ll be out. Doesn’t matter what it is.’

And you know, I think my anxiety might actually have added an accidental aura of naturalness. The panic of a former user. If Esther did know what I’d told Ryan, or found it out later from googling, it would all make a sort of sense.

But either way, Esther didn’t react with suspicion.

‘You poor thing,’ she said with what looked like sympathy, and snorted up both lines herself.

It gave me a squeeze of worry, watching her do it. I thought of Holly, drowning in that river. And inevitably of Tanya, dying alone in her university room.

That was too much.

But Esther seemed fairly immune to the effects. Twenty minutes later, she was simply more animated. And she still seemed determined to keep her arm through mine and to ask my opinion on everything.

I saw Kit and Sarah excuse themselves to the bathrooms not that long afterwards, and it occurred to me that snorting lines or taking tabs was just something they did, as naturally as drinking a cocktail or eating a hot dog.

Despite the possible damage, and the unbelievable expense associated with making it a regular habit.

Ryan, though, stayed at the table, and when I glanced over at him he gave me a small nod. Which made me think maybe he hadn’t told Esther anything. That actually, he was trying to be an ally to me in return.

I gave him a crooked grin and downed the last of my alcohol-free tonic.

I excused myself at 11.15, in spite of Kit’s best efforts to make me stay. Of the three who’d taken coke, he seemed the least wired, which I found interesting. I wondered if he liked to see others out of control, without ever losing his own.

I also had the flash of a thought, as he leaned away from Sarah and towards me to talk over the sound of the music, that Kit’s power might come from being their supplier.

I found myself unconsciously stepping away slightly, and I saw a flicker of something cross his face as I did.

A little look of surprise and displeasure.

He’s not used to being crossed , I thought. He’s always been able to pull everyone’s strings, whenever he wants.

How else would he feel confident enough to lean that close to me, with his arm still round his girlfriend?

‘You’re really going?’ he asked, after the tiniest of pauses.

‘Absolutely,’ I told him. ‘I’m not doing a seven a.m. outing on any less sleep or any more alcohol.

’ Which was an entirely true statement. I was quietly dreading the next session of the river-based torture I was putting myself through in the name of realism, despite having got a lot fitter and stronger.

It still hurt like hell and the blisters on my hands weren’t yet hardened into painless callouses, either.

A look I was only getting away with having told everyone I was just back from an injury.

‘Surely you have to let loose sometimes?’ he asked. He tilted his head, and a very small smile twitched at his mouth.

I gave him a considering look. ‘I pick my times.’

And then I turned very deliberately to Sarah and hugged her goodnight, before moving away from them both.

Esther was talking animatedly to Ryan now but broke off when I approached. Ryan’s expression dropped slightly, but Esther hugged me close.

‘Ohhh, come tomorrow,’ she said, squeezing me tightly. ‘This was so much fun.’

She seemed genuinely sad to relinquish me, and I wasn’t quite sure how to react to it.

I’d spent all night watching for the break in her routine, and now wondered whether this wasn’t the real Esther.

Whether the overcontrolled, glossy version of her wasn’t the side she struggled to shake off. It was confusing.

When she finally let go I was drawn into a sudden, slightly suffocating hug by Ryan.

‘Good luck with the outing,’ he said into my hair. ‘See you next time.’

‘Good luck with these guys,’ I said with a laugh as I drew back.

It was weird how I knew, even before I checked, that I was being watched closely as I left them.

Kit Frankland had turned to lean against the bar, leaving Sarah to stand awkwardly alongside him, and was watching me steadily with an expression that was at total odds with the cheerful, sociable smile he presented to the world.

It was the expression of someone who wanted me to know he wasn’t fooled. And it made part of me squeeze in worry.