Page 35

With the tabs handed out, Kit raised a questioning eyebrow at me.

‘Still fine,’ I told him with a shake of the head. ‘Still a boring killjoy.’

Kit gave me an odd little smile.

‘As long as you don’t mind if I do.’

‘Not at all,’ I told him.

He nodded and glanced down at the little tissue-paper pouch. He hesitated, and then surprised me by sliding it back into his pocket. He held my gaze for a moment as he drank from his glass instead.

I felt suddenly profoundly uncomfortable under that gaze. What was he saying? That he wouldn’t get high around me? That he knew not to trust me?

Sarah stood and pulled Kit upright. ‘Come outside for a minute,’ she said. She was speaking to him, but her gaze was on me.

Fuck , I thought, trying to keep my face deadpan. Whatever Kit thinks, Sarah thinks something worse. And maybe she’s done a little research and worked out more than he has.

I watched them retreat outside, the music rising as they went. It was time to dance, apparently.

‘Come on!’ Ryan said, reaching for me with a smile. The MDMA was clearly hitting fast. Or at least his brain was telling him that it was, and that was enough for Ryan.

I went with him to a clear space on the floor and started off enjoying it all.

Ryan was a good, enthusiastic dancer and his commentary between songs made me laugh.

He insisted on getting us more hydration after a little while, and it was only as he was walking back over towards me carrying a couple of mostly full glasses that I realised he was unsteady on his feet.

He’s drunk , I thought, light dawning.

He hadn’t been drinking soda water all evening: he’d been drinking alcohol. That was why he’d insisted on going to the bar for me.

He gave me a huge, beaming smile as he returned and held a glass out to me.

‘I got you a proper one,’ he said.

‘Oh, that’s… thanks,’ I said. ‘I guess I can have the one.’

We clinked glasses, but when I went to drink mine it was horrendously strong. It must have had more than two shots of gin in there, which meant he’d probably added multiple drinks together.

I watched him empty his glass, and then he was pressing himself up against me, one hand on my backside and the hand with the glass in it round my shoulders.

‘Hey, Ryan!’ I said, loudly. ‘This is invading my space!’

‘I just wanted… You know, you’re amazing,’ he said.

‘Thanks,’ I told him, trying to peel his arms off me. ‘But you know you can tell me from further away.’

He let me move away a little but then looked soulfully into my eyes and said, ‘We’d be amazing together, you know. You don’t need any of these other guys.’

I remembered, suddenly, Cordelia’s comment about Ryan’s history of being a womaniser. His worry after the first time we’d met that he’d been an asshole.

This is what he does when he’s drunk , I thought with dawning comprehension. This is what he’s been avoiding.

I felt the inevitable consequence of everything Gael had asked me to do rushing in on me. I’d set out to seduce Ryan, hadn’t I? Only now here I was, surrounded by strangers and realising that I wanted nothing more than to get away from him.

‘That’s– you’re great,’ I said. ‘But I’m not looking for any guys. I need to row and study.’

‘You know it’d work,’ he said, trying to put a hand up to touch my face.

‘I need to go to the bathroom,’ I said, a feeling of panic rising in me. ‘Why don’t you get us another drink? Maybe Kit and Sarah want one, too.’

I felt huge relief as he processed this and then nodded and let me go.

I almost ran out of there to the ladies’ toilets, and then spent a while in front of the sink, thinking through how to handle this.

Maybe the best thing was just to leave. Ryan, I was confident, would feel really bad about this tomorrow. It didn’t need to get difficult.

You’ve got this , I thought.

But as I emerged into the corridor Ryan was right outside, his strawberry-blond head not far off the low-hanging light fittings.

It didn’t matter that I’m a tall, strong woman or that I’d been doing a shit-ton of weight training. I was never going to be able to fight off a fully grown man of his size. Still less one in training.

‘There you are,’ he said, and closed the short distance between us unsteadily.

I looked past him up the corridor, hoping that someone else would come along and make it awkward for him. But the short stretch was currently empty all the way up to the stairs. There’d been nobody else in the bathroom, either. I was absolutely on my own with the guy.

‘I’m just going back to dance,’ I told Ryan, trying to move round him.

He grabbed hold of me, by one arm and my waist.

‘Please don’t go. Just stay here,’ he said.

‘I really need to go,’ I told him, pulling away.

Ryan didn’t seem to be able to hear me. He pushed me back against the closed bathroom door and used his weight to press into me. I suddenly couldn’t see anything beyond him and my nose was full of the reek of beer.

‘Not until you give me a kiss,’ he said.

‘Ryan…’

I tried to push against him, but he was immovable. Utterly solid beneath the tight green T-shirt.

He laughed, a very out-of-control laugh. ‘I know you want to as well,’ he said. ‘We’re so made for each other, it’s unreal.’

I tried to make eye contact with him. To show him that this was Not OK using my expression. But his eyes were barely focusing.

Inebriation did nothing to make him weaker, though. As I pushed harder, he pressed in closer, and it was genuinely painful where he was shoving his leg against my pelvis.

‘I’ve wanted to have your body against mine since the first time I saw you,’ he said. ‘You’re so strong.’

I thought, in a horrible jolt, of Holly Moore. She’d been his friend’s girlfriend, but maybe that hadn’t mattered to him. She’d been an athlete, too. He’d probably wanted the feel of her body against his, no matter what she wanted.

And Tanya. Tanya had been strong, too.

Is that why they died? I thought. Was it all about what one out-of-control man wanted?

The thought turned me from being keen to get away to being seriously, honestly afraid. I started writhing away from him, and I screamed at him to get the hell off me.

I was still mostly pinned, but I got an arm free and started pushing and shoving at him, sensing freedom.

And then Kit Frankland’s voice said, ‘Ryan, get off her!’

There was a second while I continued to try to slide out from behind Ryan, and then he pivoted away, as if pulled. With his weight released, I staggered, and crashed straight down onto one knee on the stone tiles of the corridor.

‘For fuck’s sake, Ryan,’ Kit said, his voice low and angry.

I felt hands on me, on my arms and shoulders, but it wasn’t clear to me just then whose they were.

I pushed them off and scrambled to my feet.

My knee was numb in that way that told me it was going to really hurt later, a perfect addition to my already sore calf and shin from the fall off the bike, but I breathed in and gave Kit a nod as I straightened my hair. ‘I’m OK.’

I walked past him down the corridor. I found my unsteady way out to the front quad of King’s and stood in the chilly June moonlight.

I turned away from the road and found myself looking past the bulk of the Gibbs’ building towards the gleaming river.

Then raising my head to look at the moon as I breathed in and out. In and out.

I couldn’t quite seem to catch my breath out there. Not for minute after minute.

Come on, Anna , I thought. Toughen up.

But I couldn’t seem to find the tough version of me.

I probably should have expected Kit to be the one to come and find me. I could hear steps coming hesitantly towards me, but I was still watching the moon, which was just on the point of touching the roof of the building ahead. I felt like I’d be OK if I could just watch it until the two shapes met.

‘Are you…?’ Kit cleared his throat. ‘I know you said you’re… but that was shit. I’m… I’m really sorry.’

I gave in and turned to look at him, trying to read what he really thought from his expression. Because Ryan was Kit’s friend, and I knew he must– must – have known what he was like. He must on some level approve of this bullshit. This apparent concern… it must be fake.

But he just looked sad. And a little horrified.

‘Is this what he does?’ I asked. ‘Is this… how Ryan treats girls? Because I don’t think I… I don’t feel like I did anything to encourage him.’

‘No,’ Kit said, quickly. ‘It wasn’t you. He just gets out of control when he’s drunk sometimes. It’s like, I don’t know, he just starts thinking someone wants him. I think maybe all the inside imaginary situations take over and he stops taking in that someone’s saying no.’

I shook my head. I knew the best thing would probably be to shrug it all off and pretend to be fine. It would give me a chance to ask Kit about the other times Ryan had done this. I might have found out, right then and there, whether Holly could have been a victim.

But you know, Reid, I was so far from OK just then. I was afraid, and not just for myself. For other women.

‘He needs to be talked to,’ I said, a shake to my voice that I hated. ‘He’s going to end up…’

Kit nodded. ‘I know. I’ve talked to him…’

‘No,’ I said, and I stepped towards him, failing to keep my thoughts and feelings in real check.

‘He needs proper therapy. Or a warning from the police. Or for you to tell him that you’re going to report him for this, right now.

He needs more than a little speech about behaving himself.

I know there are reasons he is the way he is, but there always are. He has to stop .’

There was a pause while Kit gave me a very long look, and then he said, ‘I know that, too.’ And I guess I must have let more of my feelings show than I was aware of, because he said, ‘There’s a hug here if you… if you want.’

He opened his arms, and somehow it made perfect sense to step forward into them.

And weirdly, despite having just been pinned to a door by one rugby player, that non-sexual, comforting hug was exactly what I needed just then.

I guess part of Kit’s power is knowing that kind of thing. What people need. Where all our weaknesses are.

After a moment, it occurred to me that Sarah might come out and find us like that. The last thing I wanted was that kind of a reputation.

‘Is… do you think Sarah would mind you hugging the new girl?’ I asked into his ear, without letting go.

‘Well, that’s… Um, we just broke up,’ he answered, with his voice rumbling into my shoulder. ‘So I guess maybe this hug is for me, too.’

It really was only then that it dawned on me that Kit might have weaknesses, too. And everything changed at that point. The dynamic. All of it. It was suddenly clear what Kit wanted, and why Sarah had been so angry with me.

You know what really saddens me, though, when I write this? It’s knowing that at that moment, the one person I really wanted there, to comfort me, was you, Reid.

And it sucks.