Page 37 of Darkness of Mine

He shakes his head and lets it fall back against the bricks, staring at the cloud ridden sky. “I spy on people. I dig into their lives, learn things they never wanted anyone else to know, and most of the time it’s okay. I can live with that because I know I’m doing it for a good reason. But this? This doesn’t feel good.”

I squeeze his neck, my heart hurting at the pain painted on Oz’s face. “Those girls are alive and safe because of you. That is good. That is so fucking good.”

His gaze drops to me, the light in his eyes dull. “And what about all the messages I don’t get alerted to? Or the ones I see that I do nothing about? That I pass over without too much thought because we’re in the middle of a case and they’re not relevant. What about the ones that, if I dug just a little further, are as horrific and messed up as this one?”

Pressure builds under my eyes, and I wish more than anything I could take this pain away from him. I don’t like Oz thinking he’s to blame. Not when he’s the purest soul I’ve evermet. Good down to his bones. But I understand guilt and I understand it’s rarely rational. “You can’t save everyone, Oz,” I tell him anyway. “That’s too much. For one person, that’s too much.”

He nods, still not looking at me. “I know. Doesn’t mean I can’t feel bad about it though. There’sevilout there. Sometimes I hate that I see so much of it. It would be easier to not know.”

I rub my thumb up and down his neck, the wispy hairs there soft against my skin. I can’t fix this for him, no matter how much I want to.

Oz’s gaze finally drops to mine and his hold on me tightens. “Promise me you won’t ever go anywhere again.”

“Oz…”

“No. I want you here Freya. Where I can keep you safe.”

“By locking me up?” The words come out before I can stop them, the guttural place in my core reacting despite knowing he’s struggling right now.

Oz winces. “You ran, Freya. You ran when you could have come to us.”

I know I did. And I know this is partly my fault but I won’t apologize because I still think I made the right choice, the only choice I could at the time. That doesn’t mean I’m not sorry for the pain I caused them.

I close my eyes and rest my forehead against his shirt. “I want things to go back to normal,” I whisper.

Oz fiddles with the end of one of my curls. “What even is normal for us?”

I don’t know but I sure as fuck don’t think it involves locking me in my room. Even right back at the beginning River never did that. I groan. “How can I be mad at you all but at the same time want your forgiveness?”

His chest deflates as he sighs. “I think you’re allowed to be mad about your room.”

I lift my head and step back from him. “It’s not just the being locked up,” I say, trying to explain my frustration. “It’s everything else too. Jude won’t talk to me. You’re hiding out here instead of asking for help. Fuck, Oz, I used to be part of the team but now River doesn’t even trust me to listen to a damn phone call.”

Oz’s brow furrows, his head tilting to the side. “Freya, there was no phone call.”

“What?”

Oz adjusts his glasses. “River was just using that as an excuse so you could have some time to talk to Eva. Why do you think all five of us went to the morgue? Eva could have told us all of that over the phone.”

I shove my hands in my pockets. “I don’t understand.”

His face softens. “River figured you might need to talk to a friend.”

“Oh.” Well, that was kind of sweet.

Oz drags his teeth over his bottom lip then steps forward and cups my cheek in his hand. “Maybe things aren’t normal right now, but that doesn’t mean we don’t still love you. You know that, right?”

My hands come up and I fiddle with the watch around his wrist. “I love you too,” I admit. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know.” He lets out a breath and pulls me back against his chest. I curl up against him like a child. “We’re going to be alright, Mo Leannan. You’ll see.”

I’m not sure I believe him but the rest of the day is taken up sorting out the case and trying to build a new profile for Zach that might help us find Harley. By the time we get home it’s late and we’re all shattered.

I brace myself to be taken straight to my room but Oz flicks on the TV. He finds a movie and we all gravitate to the couches. I relax into the cushions, resting my head on Oz’s shoulder. Themovie is a comedy, and I’m still not used to hearing Eli laugh but every time I do it heals a part of me. Even River cracks a smile. With all of us here, together, it feels like it used to, and I start to think maybe Oz is right, maybe we will be okay.

I should have known it wouldn’t last.

18