Page 120 of Darkness of Mine

I look between Eli and River. They’re not going to let me go without a fight and I don’t have the energy or desire to take them on.

I leave my helmet by the door and walk down the hall to Eli’s room, the two of them following behind.

I know they’re only trying to help. I’m just not sure whether I want them to.

“This isn’t going to work,”I say as Eli ties my wrists to the top of the frame at either end of his four-poster bed.

I’m in my panties and bra, kneeling at the bottom of the mattress.

Oz folds the clothes River ordered me to strip and places them on the window seat. “What you’ve been doing isn’t working,” he counters as he turns to face me, leaning against the recess. Worry lines crease his forehead and the tiniest trace of guilt flickers in my stomach. I don’t want them worrying about me.

“Are your wrists alright?” Eli murmurs as he checks the soft rope, making sure it’s knotted in a way that protects my healing hand.

“It’s fine,” I tell him, needing his hands off my body before his soft touch has me crumbling.

Jude kneels in front of me on the bed. “You’ve got to let yourself feel, Freya.” He cups my cheek in his palm. “You haven’t cried once since Allie died.”

“Since I killed her,” I snap, a slither of anger breaking through the numbness.

River tsks and the unmistakable leather tip of a crop presses against the curve of my ass. “See now,that. That is not allowed.”

I don’t bother trying to look back at him, I just keep my sullen gaze on Jude. “Why not? It’s the truth. No lies, remember?”

Before I can brace for it, a sharp sting whips my upper thighs and I pitch forward, Eli’s ropes holding me in place.

“Fuck!” I hang my head, letting my body carry me away as the burn rolls through me. After being numb for so long the sharpburst of pain feels like coming alive. For one second it’s pure bliss but with it comes all the emotions I’ve been burying.

Panic bubbles in my chest.I can’t do this. I can’t feel this.

I squeeze my eyes shut and clench my good hand into a fist.

Jude hooks two fingers under my bra strap and tugs me in towards him.

I open my eyes to find him gazing deep into my soul. “Angel,” his voice cracks. “You’ve got to stop fighting.”

I bite back the urge to lean towards him, to bury myself in his chest and let him hold me. I know he’s right but I’m so fucking scared that if I let myself break, I’ll neverunbreak.

In the end, River doesn’t give me a choice.

His presence fades away behind me and I hear him put down the crop and pick up something else. I figure out what when he trails the smooth strips of leather over my back.

Jude unhooks my bra, and Eli circles his hand around my neck, his breath warm smoke against my ear. “Cat-O-Nine tails. Seems appropriate, don’t you think, kitten?”

I try to stay numb but my body trembles, fear and anticipation mingling together. My skin tingles where the soft strands of the whip brush along my spine. I know River won’t harm me but that doesn’t mean he won’t make it hurt.

He winds my hair around his hand and arranges it so the golden waves rest over my shoulder, out of the way. The gentle kiss he presses to the back of my neck makes my breath hitch. “Sometimes, my darling,” he murmurs against the crook in my neck, “when you’re in pain, you have to let yourself feel it.” He draws back and I whimper at the loss of his touch.

“Even when you don’t want to.”

The nine strands of the whip kiss my skin in perfect synchronicity and I scream. The pain shreds sharp lines across my back and ass, the tips of the tails hooking around to the side of my ribs.

River pulls back and delivers another blow. Again, and again. The pain bleeds together, fire licking across my ass. Tears blur my eyes until I don’t have the capacity to hold them back anymore.

I’m sweating, heat spreading through my body. My toes curl. My core pulses. I’m overloading on emotion and panic claws at my chest.

My eyes lock on Jude.

He cups my cheek, brushing a runaway tear with his thumb. “It’s okay. You’re okay. Just let go.”