Page 121 of Darkness of Mine

“I can’t,” I choke out.

“Yes, you can.” He presses his lips to mine. “I’ll catch you, Freya. I’ll always catch you.”

I close my eyes, not able to bear seeing him and the pure love in his eyes. He’s offering everything I want. Everything I need. Everything Idon’t deserve.

Jude sighs. “Another,” he says, and the hiss of air is the only warning I get before one final, brutal whip thrashes my skin.

I break.

My knees give way beneath me, and I sag in my bonds, violent sobs wracking my body. “Allie!” I cry.

Flames caress my skin, the pain overwhelming my senses and crumbling all my walls. Fingers skate over my wrists as the ropes are undone and then I’m being held as I collapse onto the bed.

I claw my fingers around the comforter and curl up into a ball as I cry. “I killed her. I killed her. I killed her.” The words run from my lips on repeat, a mantra of despair. My heart splits. Every way I failed my sister, every promise I broke, flooding my consciousness.

Hands settle on my hips and tug me against a hard chest. Jude.

I grip at his shirt. “Make it stop,” I beg him, unbearable devastation crushing me. “Please,” I cry. “Make it stop. Just make it stop.”

He cups the back of my neck, guiding my head to his shoulder. I’m vaguely aware of his lips against my hair. Of Oz at my back, holding me steady. Keeping me safe. I’m cocooned between them as I fall apart.

“Jude…” I cry.

“Shh, I’m here. I’m right here. Let it out, babygirl.”

I no longer have the ability to hold it in. I sob and scream as my body tears itself apart from the inside out. I cry until there’s nothing left. I cry until my voice breaks and my heart calms. I cry until the only memory in my mind is Allie’s final moments.

“I killed her,” I whisper, my throat raw. “I murdered her.” A sob shudders through me. “I’m exactly what my father made me.”

“No.” Jude grips my hand in his and pulls it to his chest. “No, Freya. You did what you did to protect, not to harm.”

I blink, my blurred and swollen eyes clearing enough to make out River and Eli perched on the end of the bed. River’s calm, firm gaze settles on me like a weighted blanket. “You’re not a murderer, Freya. Your sister gave her life to save Harley. Don’t take that away from her.”

I press my lips together and choke back another sob even as tears run down my face. “She’s gone,” I hiccup.

“I know, and I’m so fucking sorry darling.”

“It hurts.” I press my forehead against Jude’s chest. “Everything hurts.”

Oz brushes my tangled hair off my face. “It’ll hurt a little less if you let us in. If you let us love you.”

Oz’s words sink in and it hits me that I’ve run from them again without even meaning to. I thought it was enough just tostay but shutting them out was merely another form of running away. And I swore I wouldn’t do that again.

I retreat from Jude’s chest and tilt my head back to look up at him. I see my own pain reflected back at me and in this moment, I want nothing more than to take it away. To let them love me as much as I love all of them.

I wind my hand around the back of his neck and draw him down for a kiss. His lips are cloud soft and each tease of his tongue has my core clenching. I press my chest against his, needing more, but he pulls back all too soon.

“We don’t have to do this, not now,” he whispers.

“I want to.” I twine my fingers through his curls. “Please, Jude. Everything’s been numb for so long. I want tofeelagain.”

Jude looks at River who scans his eyes over me.

“I need you,” I say. “I need all of you.”

Jude shakes his head. “Fuck it. You’ve got us, Angel.” His lips collide with mine once more and I breathe him in. My hands tug at his t-shirt, and he sits up just long enough to pull it over his head with one hand, the muscles in his arm clenching. He chucks the t-shirt to the floor and lies back down next to me. His hand settles on my hip, his nose brushing the tip of mine. “Think you can take me and Oz together in that sweet pussy, babygirl?”

My chest heaves as I gasp, my hardened nipples scraping against Jude’s front. “Yes. That. I want that.”