Page 119 of Darkness of Mine

We were raised to be one person. How can I still be alive when she’s dead?

I’m little more than a zombie for the next week. The guys insist on looking after me, even when I do nothing to help them. Oz cooks me food that I barely eat. Jude binge watches endless TV with me. Eli holds me every night while River sits watching, waiting for the inevitable moment I wake up screaming.

It’s the only time I actually feel anything other than numb.

Maybe this is my punishment for taking a life, to still be living but not actually alive.

Allie stares at me from every mirror. My own reflection haunts me, shattering glimpses in windowpanes and black screens.

I need to get out of the house.

When I wake up early the next morning, I swallow down my screams and slip out of bed. River’s fallen asleep in the armchair so I’m able to leave without anyone stopping me.

My broken thumb is still in a splint and Oz will be mad but it’s worth it when I rev my bike and shoot down the road.

I drive faster than I should. Take corners at death-defying speeds. I taunt the grim reaper, daring him to come and take me because it’s the only thing that makes me feel alive.

When he doesn’t appear, part of me wishes he had.

The guys are waiting for me when I get back, but no one says anything. Too afraid I’ll break.

Riding becomes my refuge. I spend hours out on my bike, tearing up gravel, burning fuel. When I’m riding, I can breathe. I canfeel.The wind on my skin, the gravel under my boots. Every twist of the accelerator reminds me that I am real and yet it’s still not enough.

We’re creeping up on Christmas Eve, but no one’s put any decorations up. Celebrating Christmas is another thing I’ve never done, and I know Jude was planning on fixing that. Now he’s too busy trying to fix me instead. Every day he asks me to talk to Alistair and every day I say no. I don’t want to feel better. I don’t deserve to.

I’m heading out for another ride when Eli steps in front of the door, blocking me. “It’s midnight,” he says. “The roads are covered in snow.”

My good hand tightens around the helmet tucked in the crook of my elbow. “I don’t care.” I move to step past him, but his arm shoots out, hooking around my waist.

“Yeah, well fuck that because I do.”

I tense in his hold.

Eli’s lips brush against the shell of my ear. “I get it. You need the high, but you’re not riding tonight.”

River comes up behind us, his arms crossed over his chest. “You have to stop burying everything you’re feeling, Freya.”

I let my helmet dangle from my fingers by the strap. I don’t like that Eli won’t let me go. I don’t like the way he and River are looking at each other.

I push my hand against Eli’s chest. “Just let me ride.”

Strands of his streaky blond hair fall across his eyes as he shakes his head. “No. You need to feel alive? You let us give you that.”

The faintest hint of attraction warms my core at the dark lilt to his voice, but I refuse to feel it. I think of Allie and of how she won’t feel anything ever again.

I go to dodge past Eli, but River pulls me back and shoves me against the wall. He presses his chest to mine and snakes his hand around my throat.

I still. Sparks from his fingertips jump through my body. It’s impossible not to feel when he’s touching me. Warmth emanates from his chest and it’s so tempting to lean into him, to let him carry some of the weight dragging me under.

He tilts my head back till his inked out eyes settle on mine. “Eli’s bedroom. Now, darling.”

“Is that an order?” I snark, because I know if I give in to that temptation there’s no going back.

“Yes,” River hisses.

“Where are Oz and Jude?” I ask after he draws away.

“Waiting.”