Page 32 of Cowboy’s Last Stand (His to Protect #1)
“The position involves training EOD techs. It would be triggering, no pun intended, to talk about explosives every day. I’ve had a difficult recovery, and I’d rather not work in that field.”
“Why haven’t you declined the offer?”
“I don’t want to decline until I have another job lined up.”
She paused to consider her next question. His answers so far hadn’t alarmed her. “You said you wanted to take care of me.”
“I do.”
She studied his handsome features. The bruises he’d collected in her defense had disappeared, but there were other signs of overexertion. His ripped shirt, for example. “Do you think you’re taking good care of yourself?”
“Does it matter?”
“I wouldn’t ask if it didn’t.”
“I’m a work in progress. I never claimed to be otherwise.”
Natalie wasn’t sure how to broach the next subject. She still had a receipt she’d doodled on earlier, so she took it out of her back pocket.
“What’s that?”
“Notes.”
“You prepared notes in advance?”
“I jotted a few things down.”
“Can I ask questions too?”
“Of course.”
“Does your bedroom door have a lock?”
“It does.”
“What’s your favorite position?”
“You’ll think it’s boring.”
“Hardly.”
“Missionary,” she admitted.
His lips curved into a smile. “Do you want me to use condoms?”
“Is that a problem?”
“No. I’ll buy some. Is there any place on your body you don’t like to be kissed?”
“My toes. I’m ticklish.”
“Will you touch yourself while I watch?”
Her throat went dry. She gestured for the bottle of water in his hand. When he gave it to her, she took a drink. “To be honest, I’m tired of doing it myself. But if that’s your thing, I’m OK with it.”
He stared at her with undisguised lust.
“My turn,” she said, referring to her notes.
His eyes darkened. “Go on.”
“Do you think you’re stable enough for a long-term relationship?”
“Stable enough?”
“Your future plans are uncertain. You don’t have a permanent address. It doesn’t sound like you’re ready to settle down.”
“Are you asking me to stay?”
“You’re answering questions with questions.”
“I like my questions better.”
“If you don’t answer mine, I won’t answer yours.”
“Let me see those notes.”
She inched away from him, afraid he’d try to snatch the paper away.
“It looks like a bar tab.”
“It’s a list of pros and cons.”
“Read the pros.”
She hesitated. “It’s not exhaustive.”
“Just read it. You want this out in the open, right?”
She nibbled on her lower lip. “Great with Marcus, does housework, good kisser, nice hands.”
“Nice hands?”
She flushed again. “Yes.”
“I guess I can’t complain about the pros. Read the cons.”
Resigned to continue, she referred to the list. It wasn’t as easy to read this one. “Sleeps outside, can’t relax, overprotective, survivor’s guilt.”
His expression became shuttered. Hearing the words out loud must have felt like a sucker punch, but she didn’t take them back. They were legitimate concerns, and if he wanted to be her man, he had to know what was on her mind.
“There’s something else.”
“What?”
“Wade warned me that there are men who prey on war widows.”
He gaped at her, incredulous. “Is that on your list?”
“No.”
“Good, because that’s a low goddamned blow.”
She swallowed hard. “I just think my past is part of the reason you’ve become… fixated on me.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes.”
He rose to his feet, raking a hand through his hair. “I’m fixated on you because you’re smart and beautiful and sexy as hell. I like everything about you, and every time I touch you, I lose my mind. I don’t care that you’re a war widow.”
She stood with him. “You offered to help me because Mike was killed in action.”
“I offered to help you because I wanted to go to bed with you.”
“Are you saying that you don’t have survivor’s guilt?”
A muscle in his jaw flexed. “What I feel for you isn’t guilt. It’s nowhere near guilt.”
“You’re not listening to me.”
“I’m listening,” he said. “I’m just not agreeing.”
She fell silent, unsure how to get through to him.
“Do you know what I think?”
“What?”
He spoke in a low growl. “I think you’re searching for reasons to sabotage our relationship. You use Marcus as an excuse to avoid men and dating, but that’s not working for you this time, so you had to switch it up.”
“That’s not fair,” she protested.
He stepped closer, invading her space. “There’s something real between us, and that’s why you’re pushing me away. You’re afraid to feel pleasure again. You’re afraid to feel anything.”
“I’m not pushing you away,” she said. “I’m telling you I want a steady guy, not just a good time in bed!”
“Why don’t we start with a good time in bed and worry about the rest later?”
She shook her head in frustration. She’d offended him, and now they were both mad. She was too upset to explain herself clearly.
He pressed a fingertip to the center of her chest, where her heart pounded. “You are afraid to feel. That’s why you won’t let me make love to you and why you didn’t come with Wade.”
Her mouth dropped open. How dare he bring that up?
“Survivor’s guilt applies to war widows too,” he said, twisting the knife.
He gestured to the mementos of Mike in the dining room.
“So does fixation on war heroes. Let’s be honest about why you prefer me over someone more stable.
You don’t want a steady guy. You want a stand-in for your dead husband. ”
She backed away from him in horror. Then she grabbed a pillow from the couch and launched it at him. He caught it neatly, which wasn’t very satisfying. Although he looked angry enough to throw it back at her, he didn’t. He tucked it under his arm like a football.
She stared at him for a taut moment, her emotions rioting. Hot tears flooded her eyes again. She shouldn’t have ambushed him with personal questions. He shouldn’t have reacted so defensively. They’d both behaved badly, and perhaps…
Perhaps now it was over.
“Have a nice night,” he said and walked out the door.