Page 13

THIRTEEN

SAVANNAH

I CAN TELL it’s never occurred to Zeke that I could be someone he might be able to confide in. Someone who could offer support and understanding. I get it, I guess. I haven’t exactly been a pillar of strength this past year.

But being strong for myself and being strong for someone else are two very different things. Different things that might actually go hand-in-hand now that I think about it.

“Honestly, it might make this all easier if I feel like I’m helping you too. It means I have something to offer.” I almost stop there, but another epiphany slaps me right in the face. “And I’m actually getting pretty fucking sick of my own misery. Sick of my whole life revolving around something I don’t want to define me.”

Zeke’s expression is hard. It usually is, but I’m starting to be able to identify the little hints he offers about how he’s actually feeling. The man holds a lot in. That’s why he’s so quiet. So stoic. What most people would call intimidating.

But his eyes always give him away. They’re basically a window. One that is easy to see through if you take the time to figure out what you’re looking for.

“I know you probably don’t really talk about things with most people, and you don’t have to talk about them with me either.” I swallow hard at the flash of vulnerability that flickers across his gaze. “I just want you to know that I’m here, I’m a good listener, and it might be nice to have someone to commiserate with.”

I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. That I didn’t put two and two together. I was so blinded by my own tunnel vision I never took a second to wonder why Zeke was so willing to help me. Willing to help Mona. Willing to help any woman who was feeling powerless and vulnerable.

I still don’t know why, but there’s a reason. One that will probably hurt my heart.

Zeke is quiet for a minute. His tendency to go silent unnerves a lot of people, but I appreciate the way he processes things before sending them out into the world. It tells me a lot about him. About the way he lives his life. How he thinks. The consideration he puts into every action and word.

“Thank you.” His simple response makes me smile.

He didn’t tell me no or insinuate I couldn’t bear the weight of his pain. And he didn’t blow off my offer like it meant nothing.

Will he take me up on it? I don’t know. And it’s not up to me to decide whether that’s a good or bad thing. Zeke is careful with me. Lets me go at my own pace. Gives me room to be happy and sad and afraid.

I’ll do the same for him.

I take a deep breath, my exhale long and more of a release then I anticipated. “So which vehicle do you think I should try first?”

Zeke almost acted like he thought he should take me back home, and I want it to be clear that’s not an option available to him this morning. I really am sick of myself, and I need to be able to get out of my house whenever I want. That requires a vehicle, especially since Sadie is going to be on the other side of the country soon.

Zeke’s lips press into a contemplative frown. “What did you drive before?”

“A Camry.” I wrinkle my nose, taking in the slushy surroundings. “I don’t think that would be my best bet here though.”

Zeke’s eyes crinkle at the corners, hinting at the smile he doesn’t show. “Definitely not your best option here.” He turns into the business park flanking the front of Alaskan Security’s property. “Let’s have you check out a few different options. See which one you like best to start with. You can take it home, drive it around for a week, then try something else out.”

I give him an eager nod. “Sounds like a plan.”

For the next hour, Zeke takes me through three of the more popular vehicles in Alaskan Security’s arsenal. I check out a Jeep, a similar Range Rover, and an Escalade. Right out of the gate I know the Escalade is too freaking big, so I eliminate it, leaving me with only the Jeep and Range Rover to choose from.

“Why don’t you start with the Range Rover?” Zeke turns to the sleek black SUV. “I think it might suit you more.”

“Excellent suggestion.” I was just going to spin in a circle and randomly point at one, so Zeke telling me which one he thinks I’ll like more keeps me from getting dizzy. “Now we just have to hope I can actually drive it.”

A hint of mischief sparks in his eyes. “You’ve seen a lot of how not to drive in the snow over the past week. Just do the opposite of what Elise does, and you should be fine.”

I grin as I get behind the wheel, buckling up as Zeke gets into the seat next to me. “To be fair, Elise always gets us to work in one piece.”

“A person can be both effective and terrifying.” Zeke pushes back the seat as far as it will go so he has enough legroom.

“I bet lots of people say the same thing about you.” My smile widens when his head snaps my direction. “Not me. Just some people.” I start the engine, ignoring the affronted expression on Zeke’s face.

“You don’t think I’m terrifying?”

I glance at the screen projecting the backup camera, then out each side, making sure the coast is clear before backing out. “I think you can be terrifying, but no, I don’t think you are terrifying.” Once I’m out of the parking spot, I shift into drive. “Those are two different things.”

Zeke looks terrifying. I’m sure there have been plenty of times he has acted terrifying. I would say any number of people are terrified of him.

But he isn’t terrifying. Not even close.

I shift my grip on the steering wheel as I pull up to the overhead door leading outside. “Driving in Alaska is a little terrifying though.”

Zeke relaxes back in his seat, draping one arm over to grip the back of my headrest. “You’re going to do fine.”

I give him a smile as the door lifts. “Your faith in me really helps.”

Sadie loves me, and I love her. More than anything. But she wants me to go back. Back to who I was. Back to what I used to be. And that’s just not an option.

Having Zeke around—someone who has complete confidence in my ability to move forward—has changed so much for me. It’s given me room to spread my wings.

The sun is brighter than I remember as we pull out of the enclosed space, and I blink against the reflection as it glares off the snow. “I think I’m going to need some sunglasses.”

“You don’t have any?” Zeke tips his head at the man operating the gate, offering a two fingered wave as we go through.

I mentally dig through the piles I’ve unpacked so far. “I’m sure I have some somewhere.” Driving isn’t the only daunting item on my to-do list and the pressure of it all collapses down on me as I creep along. “Maybe this was a bad idea.”

“Not a bad idea.” Zeke’s reassurance is swift. “There’s only one way to get where you want to go, Savannah, and that’s one step at a time.”

I frown out at the sun and the snow and the cold. “But there are so many steps.”

Zeke snags a bit of my hair as it creeps toward my eye, gently curling it behind my ear with his fingers. “I know. But you’ve got all the time you need. This isn’t a race.”

I take a deep breath. “I guess all that matters is that I’m moving forward.”

“No.” Zeke’s voice is softer this time. “All that matters is that you don’t give up. Some days you’ll go backward. It’s going to happen. Sometimes we have to backtrack to make sure we’re going the right direction.”

I purse my lips, working them side to side as I contemplate his words. “I don’t want to go backward.”

“I know.” Zeke’s mouth softens into his version of a smile. “But it’s okay if you do.”

I hate the thought of it. That’s why I’m struggling so much being around Sadie. “My sister expects me to stumble every time I try to move forward.” I sniff, hiding it behind an inhale. “She’s still hoping I’ll be the way I was before, so anything I do that’s not like the old Savannah upsets her.”

Zeke is quiet again, and I know it’s because he’s thinking. Deciding how to say what he wants to say. “It’s difficult for people to admit the person they love has changed forever.” Another long pause. “They want things to be as they were. Not just for themselves, but for the person who’s suffering too.”

I want so badly to ask him how he knows so much about this stuff, but Zeke doesn’t press me, so I won’t press him. “I know. But some days it just feels like a burden. An expectation I’m never going to meet.” I swallow hard, before admitting, “I’m never going to be the sister she knew before, and I don’t know how to tell her that.”

“Then maybe it’s a good thing you two will have some time apart,” Zeke says. “It will give you space.”

I’ve had the same guilty thought. Looked forward to the day I won’t have to worry about seeing my sister’s sympathy-filled face or listening to her tell me ‘it just takes time.’ As if there are enough hours left of my life for me to forget what happened. The weight of an unwanted body on mine. The smell of his breath. The sound of his grunts as I did my best to send my mind somewhere else.

They’re the same thoughts that pull me in over and over, dragging me down and back. Usually I fight them. Beat myself up for letting them even happen.

But maybe that’s the wrong approach. Maybe Zeke’s right and it’s okay to let myself take a step back. Regroup a little before soldiering on.

So I sit with it. Sit with the memories I’ve tried to suppress. Tried to smother out of existence.

And they’re not as consuming as I remembered. That could be because I’ve got to keep part of my brain focused on the road so we don’t crash, but I’m more inclined to think it’s because they’re less scary when I have a giant man who kills people right beside me. A man who takes me exactly as I am and sees me for what I’m becoming.

Zeke is so solid. So constant. So strong?—

My eyes drift to where he sits, looking completely acceptable in black tactical pants and a matching long-sleeved shirt. But I know what hides under all that dark fabric. Not only how it looks, but also how it feels.

And that memory is more than strong enough to send the rest of the bad memories to the back of my mind where I prefer to keep them.

My fingers flex on the wheel, gripping a little tighter as I think about the way his skin felt under my hands. “I should probably take you back to headquarters.” I can clearly drive in the snow. I’m way better at it than keeping my wandering mind from remembering how Zeke inhaled when I accidentally brushed across his nipple.

“I can call someone to get me.” He suddenly seems so much bigger. His presence eating up all the space inside the Land Rover, leaving me breathless and flushed. “Go ahead and take us home.”

I blink as my brain stumbles over his wording.

Take us home.

I’ve been trying so hard to keep my thoughts about Zeke on the up and up. It shouldn’t be so difficult. He’s been nothing but respectful and thoughtful and gentlemanly. Allowing the less than chaste whispers trailing around my head to gain footing would be terrible of me.

Just as terrible as they way I’ve replayed the feel of his body over and over again.

“Okay,” I say, the single word wobbly as I imagine what Zeke will look like inside my home. What he’ll think when he sees the mess I’ve made of it.

A combination of excitement and fear twists my insides as I finish the drive to the neighborhood so many Alaskan Security employees call home. After passing through the gate, I follow the line of townhomes until I get to the one I purchased. The driveway’s shoveled thanks to the snow removal company that handles the road and sidewalks. I wonder if I can sweet talk them into clearing it off the SUV in the morning too…

After shifting into park, I shut off the engine and start to get out, but Zeke stops me. “Aren’t you going to park in the garage?”

Embarrassment heats my cheeks. “I can’t. It’s full of stuff.”

Zeke’s brows lift. “Full, full?”

I know I told him the movers put everything in the garage, but he must not have understood just how much there was. “Yeah. Full, full.” I dig into my purse and pull out the opener, pressing the button for the right bay. It lifts to reveal a mostly solid wall of furniture and boxes. The left bay looks exactly the same, so I don’t bother opening that side.

Zeke stares at the open garage for a minute before turning to me. “You can’t park in the driveway, Savannah.”

I shrug it off. “It’ll be fine. I’ll just let the car warm up for a while before I get in.”

Zeke’s hard gaze stays leveled on me. “No.”

I open my mouth to argue back, but Zeke’s already out of the vehicle, rounding the front to open my door.

He tips his head toward the garage. “Come on. This is going to take a while.”