Page 41

Chapter

Twenty-One

Sitting in a hospital room in clean, dry clothes, with a full stomach, showered, and warm felt surreal.

Jake couldn’t quite believe that he and Alannah had survived and were back home, safe and sound. Well, safe for now. They’d survived this attack, but that didn't change the fact that one more rapist was still out there, who was no doubt going to make some other attempt to silence them.

In reality, his best bet would be to lie low and not stir them up further. They were still working to find out who he was, but it was the fact that these men had kept coming after his family that kept giving them more clues as to their identities.

Three down and one to go.

They would find this man he had no doubt about it, but for the moment, figuring out who he was wasn't Jake’s priority.

The woman lying sleeping in the hospital bed was.

Alannah had been through hell because of him. She’d been targeted over and over again, and if it hadn't been for her own actions would have died an excruciating death.

That was the hardest pill for Jake to swallow.

He hadn't saved her.

She would have died.

And he would have been forced to watch it happen.

“Safe, she’s safe. Alive, she’ll heal, she’s strong, she can survive this,” he whispered aloud.

The real question was, could they?

Things had changed so dramatically, and he didn't know if it was possible for them to just go back to being best friends.

What he did know that he wanted was for Alannah to wake up.

She’d passed out in the shower on the boat while he was washing the gasoline from her body and was yet to regain consciousness.

Once he had her clean, he’d bundled her into a towel and gone searching for a radio.

Alerting the coast guard and then his family, it had been his brothers who arrived first since they'd already been in the ocean searching for him and Alannah unwilling to believe they were dead.

Both had been taken immediately to the hospital and checked out, and neither of them had any serious injuries, although they were both dehydrated and suffering from some minor cuts and bruises.

The bottoms of Alannah’s feet were messed up, but they’d heal so long as she mostly kept off them for the next few days.

Still, knowing Alannah was okay and her waking up and telling him herself were two different things, and he was desperate for the latter.

“Come on, sunshine, I really need you to wake up now,” he whispered into the silent room.

His brothers were all at the hospital, but they’d understood without him needing to say it that he needed some time alone with Alannah as he watched over her.

“You can go back to sleep right after, I just need to hear you say you're okay.”

Maybe what he also needed to hear her say was that she didn't hate him for almost getting her killed. She’d asked to stay with him, and he’d told her no, sent her away, thinking he was sending her to safety when instead, he was sending her right into the heart of the danger.

How could he ever forgive himself for that?

“Jake?”

The whispered word had his heart rate picking up. Finally. His sunshine was awake. “Hey,” he said softly, reaching out to brush a lock of hair off her forehead.

“Was it all a dream? Are we still on the boat? Or the island?” Alannah’s brow was furrowed with anxiety, and the pad of his thumb couldn’t help but reach out and smooth it away.

“Not a dream, sunshine. You're safe, back home. We’re in the hospital.”

“Are you okay? Did you get shot?”

That the first words out of her mouth after confirming that it was all real were asking after him warmed him in a way he could get all too used to.

After his mom died, no one had really cared how he was doing, no one had put him first, and while he knew he had a family who adored him and would move heaven and Earth for him, it wasn't the same as knowing that this sweet woman cared about him in a way he’d never allowed himself to hope for.

“No, sunshine, I didn't get shot. We’re both okay. Exhausted, dehydrated, banged up, especially you with your feet, but we are both okay.”

“I was lucky you came with me. If you hadn't been there, I’d be dead a dozen times over.”

Jake was shaking his head vigorously by the time she finished her sentence. How could she say that? If it were solely up to him, she would be dead. There had been no way for him to save her when the smoke man doused her in gasoline and threatened to set her alight.

She’d saved herself.

Reaching out a hand, she took one of his and laced their fingers together. A look of tentative hope on her face made his stomach drop. He knew where this was going, and he wasn't sure he was ready—or ever would be—to have this conversation.

“Before the boat found us, I had something I wanted to tell you. Something important,” Alannah said, a fine tremor to her voice that told him she, too, was nervous about having this conversation.

Just braver than him because she was going to push for it, whereas he would have just moved forward, pretending the last couple of days had never happened.

“Things have changed, Jake,” she said softly, her fingers tightening around his.

“What are you saying?” he demanded, slightly too harshly if Alannah’s flinch was anything to go by. “Are you saying we’re still just best friends, or are you trying to tell me you want more?”

For a few seconds, she just looked at him, and he got the uncomfortable feeling that she was actually looking all the way inside him and down to his soul.

“It would be easier to just say I don’t want things to change, that we should pretend we didn't have sex several times, but I can't do that,” she told him. “I don’t want to lie. I know we never talked about it, that when we were on the island it felt like we were in another, somewhat simpler universe, but my feelings for you have changed. I want more. I want a future where maybe we explore this new development, see where it goes.”

His pulse pounded in his ears.

Everything she’d said was everything he was afraid of.

What if they tried and it turned out he wasn't enough for her?

Never in his life had he been enough for someone.

If they did what Alannah wanted and it didn't work out, there would be no going back. He’d lose his best friend.

That wasn't a risk he was prepared to take.

“Look, Alannah, I don’t want things to change, I'm sorry. I just want to be your friend.” The lie tasted bitter on his tongue, but now that he’d said the words, he couldn’t take them back.

“It’s not that I don’t care about you or don’t want you in my life, of course I do.

You're my best friend and you always will be, but I don’t want to risk messing up our friendship. Can you understand that?”

“I understand,” she whispered, pulling her hand away from his. “It’s because I'm not worth the risk,” she said softly, doing her best to hide her devastation but failing miserably.

That wasn't it at all, although he had no idea how to convince her of that.

It was because he wasn't worth the risk. Jake wasn't sure he had what Alannah deserved, and if he didn't, and she wound up dumping him, there would really be no going back.

Hurting her sucked and he hadn't wanted to have this conversation right now, but he also couldn’t offer her false hope. He wasn't good enough for her. Sooner or later he’d fail her like he had on the boat.

“Hey, nothing has to change,” he said, forcing a smile he certainly didn't feel, and reached out to ruffle her hair like he would any other time. “We’re still best friends. You're still my sunshine, and I'm still your grumpy.”

Because Jake was afraid that if he stayed around her any longer he’d confess his true feelings, his fears and insecurities, he pushed to his feet. It was running away like a coward, but it was all he could handle when his emotions were so fresh and raw.

“I'm going to let you get some rest, but we’ll talk later, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Alannah echoed without any conviction.

As he gave her a quick kiss on the cheek then hurried out of the room, he wondered if he’d already done exactly what he was afraid of.

Had lying and turning her down done exactly what he was afraid of anyway?

It felt like there was no good answer. Either he didn't give them a chance and lost her, or he gave them a chance and lost her.

Either way, he lost.

October 21 st

6:35 P.M.

Being anywhere without Jake felt weird.

Wrong.

It had only been four days since they’d sat out on the deck of her yacht watching as the sun set and stars blinked on one by one, but it felt like she’d lived an entire lifetime in those four days.

For four days, he’d been her everything, the only thing standing between life and death, the person making sure she was provided for, the person who taught her more about her body and what it was capable of than anyone else ever had.

Now Jake was just … gone.

It hurt.

A lot.

Alannah kept rubbing at her chest because it felt like something sharp and prickly had lodged in there. It wasn't like she was asking for a ring and a proposal, all she wanted was a chance for them to explore the changed feelings she had been so sure they were both experiencing.

Only now she was doubting everything.

Maybe things hadn't changed for Jake. Sometimes his ability to be so stoic about everything meant it was hard to tell if he was lying to her.

Usually, she assumed he wasn't, because they were both adults and best friends, so why should he have to lie to her about anything? But today she wasn't so sure.

She wanted him to be lying.

Because if he wasn't, then he truly did only feel friendship for her, and she’d gone and stupidly fallen in love with him.

How very her of her.

Falling in love with men who would never love her back seemed to be her curse. She just never thought it would include Jake.