Page 65 of Consummation (The Josh & Kat Trilogy #3)

Forty-One

Josh

“Hey, Uncle William, will you tie Henn’s bowtie?” I ask. “I’d do it, but I’m so nervous my fingers won’t function.”

Uncle William laughs. “Sure thing. Come here, Peter.”

“If this bowtie were a motherboard,” Henn says, “I swear it’d be my bitch.”

“It’s hard to tie a bowtie,” Uncle William reassures Henn. “Much harder than it looks.”

“See, Reed?” Henn says. “It’s not me that’s the problem—it’s the bowtie.”

Reed laughs. “Keep telling yourself that, man.”

“All the chairs are filled,” Jonas murmurs quietly. He’s peeking out a crack in the bungalow door toward the beach. “Everyone looks really excited.”

“Gah. Don’t tell me that,” I say. “I’m nervous enough already.”

“What do you have to be nervous about, Faraday?” Reed asks. “You’re marrying the greatest girl, ever.”

“Which is exactly why I’m nervous. I don’t wanna fuck this up for her. Hey, Jonas,” I call to him at the door. “Were you nervous right before you went out to marry Sarah?”

Jonas shuts the door. “Oh, yeah, I was shitting.” He glides toward the group, absently twirling his wedding ring around his finger. “I wasn’t nervous about getting married—I was just freaking out I was gonna fuck up my vows.”

“ Exactly ,” I say. “What if I spontaneously start spewing gibberish up there? Or pass out? Or, worst-case scenario, what if I spontaneously shart in front of everyone?”

Everyone bursts out laughing, except Uncle William .

“ What’s sharting ?” Uncle William asks.

“When you think you’re gonna fart, but you unexpectedly shit instead,” Henn explains.

Uncle William laughs and shakes his head. “ Joshua .”

“Well, let’s look at this logically,” Reed says. “When was the last time you sharted?”

“Hmm,” I say. “Maybe when I was ten?”

“Okay, then, realistically, the odds are extremely low it will happen within the next thirty minutes for the first time in twenty years,” Reed says.

“God willing,” I say.

“Unless, of course, it’s been so long, you’re now statistically overdue ,” Henn says.

“Not helpful, Henn,” I say. “In what universe would you ever think that’s a helpful thing to say?”

“Sorry.”

Jonas puts his hand on my shoulder. “Josh, you got this. If I can say my vows without sharting, then you most certainly can.” He flashes me a warm smile and I’m struck, as I often am these days, by how genuinely happy my brother seems.

“You know what, Jonas?” I say. “You should wear black-tie more often, bro—it suits you. You’ve got this Thor-meets-James-Bond thing going on.”

Jonas scoffs. “I feel more like I’ve got an Idiot-Brother-meets-Dancing-Monkey-thing going on.”

“All done,” Uncle William says, patting Henn on his shoulder. He turns Henn to face me. “Acceptable, Joshua?”

“Suave perfection,” I say. “You’re Cary-Grant-meets-Steve-Jobs, Henn.”

Reed sidles up to me with a bottle of Patron. “A little something to calm the jitters, Faraday?”

“Just a little sip,” I say, grabbing the bottle. “Any more than that and I might spontaneously shart from being too relaxed.” I take a quick sip and then pass the bottle around.

“Pretty good,” Uncle William says when the bottle makes its way to him. “But at the reception, we’re all drinking my Scotch.”

“Did you bring the good stuff?” I ask.

“Of course. I brought several different bottles to be shared at the party, plus I’ve got bottles of some forty-year-old stuff for each of you boys to take home.”

“Bottles of what now?” Henn asks, his face perking up.

“Scotch,” I answer. “From my uncle’s private stash. Whatever it is, it’ll change your life, I guarantee it.”

“Well, don’t mind if I do,” Henn says. “Thanks, Uncs.” He pats my Uncle on the back.

Uncle William laughs. “You’re very welcome, Peter. Do you boys know anything about Scotch?” he asks, and when Henn and Reed both admit they’re fairly clueless, my uncle proceeds to school both of them on the topic.

“Hey, Jonas?” I say. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

We move to the corner of the bungalow.

“You okay?” Jonas asks.

I nod. “Just a lot more nervous than I expected to be.” I shake out my arms. “It’s taken me a lifetime to get here. I don’t wanna fuck it up.”

Jonas looks at me sympathetically. “Just take a deep breath. It’ll be over soon.”

“No, not the ceremony. The marriage . I don’t wanna fuck it up.”

“You won’t. You never fuck anything up.”

I scoff. “We both know that’s a load of complete bullshit. Got any advice for me?”

“Just imagine everyone naked,” Jonas says. “Except Sarah. Definitely don’t picture Sarah naked or I’ll have to punch you in your pretty face.”

“No, don’t give me advice about saying my vows—gimme your best advice for a happy marriage. You’re the happiest married guy I know.”

Jonas shrugs. “Well, I haven’t been married all that long—but, yeah, I guess I already know the secret. Put her happiness ahead of your own every single day and it’ll come back to you ten-fold.”

“You sound like a fortune cookie.”

He laughs. “Yeah, just add ‘in bed’ to anything I say.”

“Thank you, Jonas,” I say. “That’s exactly what I’ll do. I’ll worship her every fucking day.”

“In bed,” Jonas says. Emotion washes over his face and he hugs me. “I’m so happy for you, Josh. You’ve been my rock my whole life, and I don’t know what I would have done— ”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I say, pushing him away. “Bro, we just did this exact thing mere months ago at your wedding. Do we really need to talk about our fucking feelings again so fucking soon?”

Jonas laughs. “But, Josh—talking lets the feelings out.”

We both laugh.

“Honestly,” I say, “I love you, bro, I really do, but I don’t have a pressing need to articulate every warm and gooey feeling I have about you more than, say, once a year?”

“Fine by me,” Jonas says, shrugging. “Once a year sounds good. And, by the way, I love you, too.”

“Gah. Stop. What’d I just say? Once a year, bro. How ’bout we do it on our birthday?”

“Great. I’ll mark it on my calendar: ‘Remember to tell Josh I love him today and that he’s the best brother a guy could ever hope for.’”

“I think you just did an end-run around that one-year thing,” I say.

Jonas winks. “I’m smart like that. Remember? I’m the smart one, and you’re the good-looking one.”

“No, I don’t think that’s how things got divvied up. You’re the smart one and good-looking one, Jonas. I’m the charming one.”

“And we’re both the happy ones,” Jonas says.

We share a huge smile.

“Did you ever think life would turn out like this for us?” Jonas asks, shaking his head.

I join him in shaking my head. “Never. Like, literally, never. Things weren’t looking too good for the Faraday brothers for a while, but we’ve pulled victory out of the jaws of defeat, haven’t we?”

“Definitely.”

The wedding planner pokes her head into the bungalow. “We’re ready for you gentlemen now. Time to take your positions on the beach.” She looks at her watch. “We have to time this with the sunset, so you’ve got to be in position in five.”

“Thanks,” I say to her.

Jonas and I hug.

“Congratulations, Josh,” he says.

“Couldn’t have done it without you, bro—you showed me how to do it. ”

Jonas flashes a huge smile.

“Thank you, Jonas.”

Jonas nods. “My pleasure.”

I take a deep breath and turn toward the rest of the guys. “Ready, men?”

Everyone says they’re ready and raring to go.

“Reed, hand me that tequila one more time.”

Reed hands me the bottle of Patron and I take another huge swig—and everyone does the same thing right after me.

I put my hand on Jonas’ shoulder. “Hey, bro, you got a Plato quote for me to think about when I’m up there, just in case I suddenly feel like I’m gonna spontaneously shart?”

“Of course. ‘Courage is knowing what not to fear.’ And the one thing never to fear is spontaneous sharting.”

Everyone laughs.

“Perfect. Thank you. You’re a beast of a best-man, Jonas Faraday.” I take a deep breath. “Now let’s get out there and get me a smokin’ hot wife, shall we?”

Everyone expresses enthusiastic agreement with that plan of action.

“Wife on three,” I say, putting my hand into the huddle.

Everyone covers my hand with theirs. “One, two, three. Wife !” we all shout together, and then throw our hands up.

“I love you, Josh,” Jonas says, slapping me on the back.

“No. Stop it.”

“I love you, too, Joshy,” Henn says, laying his cheek on my shoulder and side-hugging me.

“Me, too,” Reed says, laying his cheek on my other shoulder.

“So do I,” Uncle William says, patting my cheek.

“Look what you started, motherfucker,” I say to Jonas.

I shake Reed and Henn off me and they laugh hysterically.

“I love you all, too. You’re the best guys I know and I’d be lost without each and every one of you.

Now, come on, guys. Quit making me say all this shit.

I swear to God if I shart up there, I’m blaming all of you. ”

Everyone laughs and high-fives and passes the tequila around one final time.

“All right. Enough fucking around. My fantasy-girl awaits. Let’s get out there and bag me a goddamned gorgeous wife.”