Page 41

? ? ?

Everything felt distant.

The bright lights streaming from the ceiling.

How cold the floor felt underneath me.

My movements weren't mine.

I don't remember curling up on the cold floor.

Or calling Monroe.

My words were incoherent, breathing rapidly as I stared forward, waiting for my body to feel like mine again.

It's like I was watching a dream unfold.

I didn't feel in control.

"Liberty."

Her voice was echoey, her heels clicking rapidly against the floors.

I didn't look up.

I just stared forward, listening to her distant heels grow closer.

She came into my peripheral, quickly sliding her heels off as she rushed over to me.

Her bag and phone fell to the ground with a thump and clatter, lowering down with me on the ground.

I flinched when she gently reached for me, naturally making her touch retract.

"I'm here with you, Liberty," her voice echoed in my ears as I sniffled a few times, "You're safe. You're okay."

Her face was blurry—everything about her felt blurred.

Monroe was still for a moment as I stared silently at her, tears dried against my cheek with no energy to even give a reaction.

"You're here, Liberty. This is all real," she spoke again, keeping her hands in her lap, "I'm right here with you. We're here together."

I didn't say anything.

I wanted to.

I wanted to tell her how far she felt.

How scary this all was.

But I couldn't get any words out.

The idea of it alone felt so overwhelming to the point where it left my thoughts a mess.

"Darling," she suddenly whispered, not attempting to touch me again.

But her stare was only focused on me.

The look behind her eyes holding concern.

"I get you."

Tears burned in my eyes at the familiar words, everything caving in around me as I instinctively reached my arms out for her.

Monroe didn't hesitate to grab my arms, "Come here my sweet girl," she said, her touch gentle and careful as she guided me to lay up from the floor.

I was in her lap before I knew it, my arms and legs wrapped around her as I broke down all over again.

She ran her hands under the sweater I wore, holding me firmly against her body as she kept her face in the crook of my neck.

My face was buried in her chest, inhaling her familiar scent as tears streamed down my face.

"I'm here. I'm right here," she soothed me as I trembled in her arms, trying to calm back down again.

My face burned and I could suddenly process the ache behind my eyes.

But I couldn't get any words out.

All I could do was keep my face pressed against her chest, focusing on how firmly she held me.

Or the way she drew soft caresses against my skin.

It was nice to be able to focus on something other than the distant ceiling lights or my echoey cries.

I could focus on her, the way she smelled or felt against me.

I'm not sure how much time passed, or when my crying stopped.

But Monroe didn't move an inch.

She held me there, presently in the moment as she repeated reassuring words to me.

And then something weird happened.

I started believing her words.

They started to feel real again.

I finally felt like I would be okay.

Like it was within reach again.

Everything felt within reach again.

"I'm scared," I finally forced out, pulling away from her chest as I focused on my breathing.

Monroe stared down at me, her blue eyes a grounding presence, "Tell me where you are. Who's holding you darling?" she softly whispered.

"I'm..." I trailed off, glancing around the dim bathroom.

The lights didn't feel as bright any more?

"I'm in your bathroom," I suddenly said, my voice cracking as unconsciously gripped her tighter for stability, "You're holding me."

Monroe reached up to gently cup my cheek, "Good girl. You're doing very good," she praised me, the warmth of her palm against my face helping me relax, "Who am I, Liberty?" she asked, staring so deeply into my eyes.

"Mommy," I forced out in a soft whisper, leaning into her touch against my face.

Monroe hummed, her eyes searching mine for something.

I just wasn't sure what.

"What's my name darling?" she asked, her voice so soft and patient.

"Monroe," I suddenly said, tears burning in my eyes as I held her stare, "Ro Ro."

My brows furrowed, glancing around again.

There was this shift, one that made everything filter into focus.

My body was mine, I'm here... this is real.

It's reality.

"Monroe," I suddenly said, glancing back over to meet her stare, "I'm really scared."

She nodded immediately, "I know darling," she whispered, caressing her fingers across my cheeks, soothing my nerves, "I'm sorry I wasn't here with you."

I frowned, "No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you leave work—you're probably so disappointed in me," I forced out, trying to breathe deeper when tears weighed down my eyes and blurred my vision.

"I could never be disappointed in you darling," Monroe soothed me, making more tears burn in my eyes, "You're my strong girl."

I sniffled, "I-I tried to be strong," I admitted, letting out a shaky breath as she gently wiped under my eyes.

"I know darling," she assured me, wiping more of my tears away, "No more flogging, moving forward."

I furrowed my brows, "What? No-no I can take it. I can be good for you," I quickly rushed out, feeling everything crash in around me.

"Liberty-Liberty," she quickly said as I began rapidly breathing, tears clouding up my vision, "Who am I, Liberty?"

"Mommy," I sobbed harder as my chest shook, my brows furrowing in confusion.

"Who am I, Liberty? What's my name?" she asked me again, tucking my hair behind my ears.

"Monroe," I forced out through my tears, feeling so confused.

It made me cry harder, leaning back into her chest as she instinctively wrapped her arms around me.

"Liberty," Monroe calmly said, holding me so firmly against her, "This is your body telling us no. Flogging is a no, and that's okay darling."

I nodded, sniffling as I tried to come to terms with this.

"I'm not disappointed or angry, Liberty," Monroe assured me, making relief flood my body, "I get you, darling."

I forced a weak hum, sniffling as I tried to gather my thoughts.

"You..." I trailed off, sucking in a deep breath, "You won't leave if I can't do flogging?"

"Of course not," Monroe immediately said, drawing her hands up my back, "I respect your wishes, and your body's wishes, Liberty."

I let out a long sigh, trying to relax better in her arms now that I knew it would all be okay.

"Sometimes you say you want something, you think you want it, but your body doesn't agree," she carefully explained, continuing her soft caress against my back, "Do you want to hear a secret darling?"

I immediately pulled away from her chest, feeling curious about her sudden question.

"A secret?" I asked in a weak whisper, staring into her blue eyes as she nodded once, "Yes please."

Monroe leaned closer to me, passing my face to my ear that her lips barely brushed.

"I hated bruising your beautiful skin," she softly whispered in my ear, making shivers run down my spine, "I would rather do anything else than that again."

I furrowed my brows at her confession, "Really?" I asked in confusion, meeting her stare again when she pulled back from my ear.

"Really darling," Monroe didn't hesitate to say, her blue eyes not wavering once from mine, "Anything but that."

I smiled slightly at her words, feeling the biggest weight slide off my chest from them.

"Okay, yes, anything but that," I said, letting out a deep sigh as my smile widened.

Her blue eyes flickered down, openly staring at my upturned lips.

Then she reached up, gently grabbing my chin and tracing her thumb along my lips.

"Very beautiful," she murmured in approval, making my face burn up.

"Thank you," I whispered wordlessly, blinking a few times as I tried to stay grounded, "Ro Ro."

Monroe hummed, "There she is," she said, her lips twitching up into a beautiful smile, "My Liberty."

I smiled wider, "I'm here," I said excitedly, running my arms around her neck to pull her in for a hug.

Monroe didn't hesitate to hug me back, nuzzling her face in the crook my neck, "I was worried about you darling," she admitted, her words so soft that I questioned if I even heard them.

"Worried?" I repeated back to her, hating the idea of her feeling like that, "No please don't worry."

Monroe let out a deep sigh, "You said your safe word and I couldn't physically be here. I couldn't do anything and I felt—"

"Out of control," I suddenly said, pulling away slightly to meet her stare.

Her brows were furrowed, her blue eyes nearly melting into mine.

Then...

She nodded, clear hesitation behind the action.

"Out... of control," Monroe said, blinking a few times as she visibly processed the three words.

It was almost like she was trying to decide if she agreed.

"But you're in control," I quickly said, running my hands up her shoulders to gently wrap around the sides of her neck, "You took control of the situation."

Monroe nodded immediately.

Even if she blinked again, her face growing blank and expressionless.

All I wanted to do was reassure her, hating the idea of her being displaced by this.

"I should've stayed home from work to take care of you," she murmured, glancing away from me, "I sensed it was coming. I could tell earlier."

I shook my head, "No but I was fine—I'm fine now," I quickly assured her.

"Liberty," Monroe said, her stare glancing back to meet mine, "Darling, the last thing you need to do is reassure me."

I furrowed my brows, "But someone has to take care of you. I want to make sure you're okay," I whispered, naturally leaning closer to her.

Monroe let out a soft sigh, openly eyeing my face, "That is very selfless of you sweetheart," she said, making my face burn up slightly from her genuine words, "I appreciate your thoughtfulness."

I smiled, "You do?" I asked, feeling so warm from her words.

"Very much, darling," Monroe murmured, eyeing my face for a moment, "But I can assure you, this will never happen again. I won't let you go through this alone."

I unconsciously leaned in to hug her again, wrapping my arms around her neck as she tightened her hold around me in response.

"I feel like you're blaming yourself," I admitted, burying my face in the crook of her neck as she rested her chin on my shoulder.

"I'm taking accountability darling. It's crucial that I'm present for things like this," Monroe briefly explained.

"But it's okay to make mistakes," I said, knowing how much it sucked when others made you feel like you couldn't.

My mother always made my smallest mistakes feel like the end of the world.

Like it wasn't okay to mess up here and there.

"I know sweetheart. Mistakes are healthy," Monroe said, making me suddenly remember that she's the therapist here, "Now I correct the mistake and move forward."

I nodded, determining that this was less about blaming herself I think?

This is her way of taking control of the situation.

She takes accountability and plans to not make the mistake again.

"Okay," I suddenly said, pulling back from the hug to meet her blue eyes.

"Are you hungry darling?" she softly whispered, reaching up to gently wipe away more of my tears.

"Yes," I admitted, noticing the hollowness swallowing my stomach whole, "Do you have to leave again?" I asked, realizing she would have to go back to work.

"No, my sweet girl," Monroe said, caressing my cheek as she stared so deeply into my eyes, "I cleared my schedule for you."

I frowned, "You didn't have to do that," I forced out, feeling so guilty for disrupting her day.

Her work means so much to her, and I understand it—I've always been second best when it comes to work.

It's nothing new to me.

"I wanted to clear my schedule for you," she emphasized, not once glancing away from my stare, "I refuse to leave you alone right now."

I nodded wordlessly, even if it felt like something physically broke inside of me.

It made me glance away from her stare, looking down as I drew in a deep breath.

No one's ever said that to me before.

"What is it darling?" Monroe asked me, her words softened between us as she gently grabbed my chin and tilted my head up, aligning our stare.

"Um," I breathed out, shifting closer to her as I kept my arms around her neck, "I never really had someone drop everything for me. My dad used to but my mother, she never took days off—even if I was sick and so I guess you clearing your schedule... it means a lot to me?" I whispered as a question, letting out a deep weighted sigh.

It physically hurt to relive the days I stayed home sick from school with a nanny and only a pillow to hug.

I always used to pretend it was my dad.

"Liberty," Monroe breathed out, cupping my face in her hands as she guided me closer, "The things I would do for you."

Her words echoed in the air between us, making relief flow through my body.

It felt so good to be chosen.

To be prioritized by her.

I stared so deeply into her blue eyes, our faces barely centimeters apart as she cupped my face so presently in her soft hands.

The moment I leaned in even slightly, Monroe met me halfway, impatiently pressing her lips to mine.

The kiss was gentle, but brief as Monroe respectfully pulled back after a few seconds.

"You deserve to have everything dropped for you, Liberty," Monroe said, her voice as serious as ever and her blue eyes burning into mine, "Repeat it back to me."

I wordlessly nodded, "I deserve to have everything dropped for me," I whispered, holding her stare, "I... deserve to be chosen," I unconsciously added, furrowing my brows.

"You are chosen," Monroe didn't hesitate to say, leaning in to briefly kiss my lips, "I choose you, Liberty."

I blinked a few times, staring so deeply into her eyes.

It was silent for a moment, processing her genuine words that settled in the deepest part of my chest.

They meant so much to me, it was almost freeing to hear.

I'm chosen.

She chooses me.

"Thank you," I whispered brokenly, leaning down to bury my face in her chest, "I choose you too, Monroe."

She pressed a brief kiss to the top of my head, holding me firmly in her arms as I let out a deep relieved breath.

This felt so nice.

I feel much better now.

And Monroe also didn't rush me to get up, she sat there silently holding me in her arms until I decided to pull away myself.

Then she helped me stand, rising to her tall height with me.

She guided us to the sink, gently washing my face for me and applying my various skincare products.

She also brushed my teeth for me and gave me Tylenol to take before we headed into the bedroom.

She made sure to tuck me into bed as usual, placing the tray of food on my lap so I could begin eating while she went to change.

There was an array of different croissants—plain, strawberry, chocolate, and even blueberry.

They were so good, I tried a bite of them all.

Soon Monroe walked out of the bathroom, wearing leggings and an oversized emerald green sweater.

Her silky hair was pulled back into a low ponytail, illuminating her bare face.

She held a wet washcloth in her hand, approaching my side of the bed and guiding me to lean back against the headboard.

Then she carefully rested the hot washcloth against my eyes, soothing the ache behind them as she began feeding me.

I felt beyond relaxed as I sat there chewing the delicious bites I was fed, the pounding behind my eyes slowly fading away.

By the time I had finished eating and the washcloth was removed from my eyes, I was beyond ready to go back to sleep.

Especially when Monroe slid into the bed beside me, instinctively pulling me into her arms.

All it took was her soft caress against my face and I was out like a light.

I slept really hard too—when I woke up it took me a moment to remember where I was and who the fuck I am.

But it was some of the best sleep I've ever gotten.

I was curled into Monroe's side when I woke up hours later—with her entirely focused on her laptop.

But as soon as I was awake, her attention was back on me, ensuring I drank more water and asking how I slept or if I was hungry.

The croissants filled me up to a point where I fully skipped lunch.

But Monroe went downstairs to eat some of the leftovers from last night while I decided to check my phone.

I kind of freaked out when I read over Zion's text, realizing I missed class today.

He was really worried, so I quickly texted him back, assuring him I just took the day off.

Monroe also offered to write me a note as she's still my therapist, but I declined, deciding one absence doesn't hurt.

Zion also sent me pictures of the notes, which I memorized while Monroe handled more work on her laptop.

Soon, it was time for dinner, and at this point, I was more than fucking hungry.

Especially after skipping lunch.

"So how long do you think dinner will take?" I curiously asked, walking into the kitchen that already smelled really good.

It made my mouth water.

"Five more minutes darling," Monroe said as she locked her phone, setting it down on the counter as I walked over to her, "How was your shower?" she asked, eyeing the white t-shirt of hers that I wore.

"Amazing," I said with a growing smile, wrapping my arms around her neck.

Then I furrowed my brows, glancing over to the stove that was currently baking something.

"Wait, what did you make?" I suddenly asked, glancing back to her, "I only took like twenty minutes, and you cook... very complex things," I pointed out.

Monroe's lips twitched up, visibly amused by my words, "You know me well," she murmured, leaning down to briefly kiss my lips.

Then she pulled away from me to grab one of the oven mitts on the counter, opening the stove to slide the pan out.

"Okay but what did you make?" I curiously asked, realizing she didn't answer my question.

So I took the initiative to nosily lean over her shoulder, wondering what was on the pan.

"Oh my gosh," I said with a smile immediately growing on my lips, "You did not, Ro Ro."

Monroe chuckled as she grabbed the plate, "I did darling," she said, picking up the spatula to scoop the Dino nuggets and tater tots onto the plate.

"I'm so excited—this is the best dinner ever," I whispered, clapping my hands together, "How did you know the way to my heart?"

"During our stay at Cannon Beach," Monroe casually murmured, setting the plate down on the counter, "You mentioned Dino nuggets and fries, so I stocked my freezer with them."

I froze at her words, remaining silent as I processed what she had done for me.

She genuinely took note of what I said and proceeded to buy Dino nuggets and tater tots for me.

Something she doesn't even eat?

I can imagine her in the freezer aisle, picking everything out—wondering which bag is the right one.

It made my entire body grow warm.

"I know you side crinkle-cut fries, but I thought you would like to change it up—"

"Monroe," I cut her short as she turned to face me fully, "You..." I trailed off, shaking my head as I glanced past her to the prepared plate, "You don't eat things like this."

Monroe tilted her head, "I know?" she said, appearing confused for once by my words.

"And you bought it for me—you keep it here just for me," I reiterated, making a slow smile grow on Monroe's lips.

"Just for you darling," she emphasized, gently grabbing my hand to pull me closer to her.

Meanwhile, I was still processing this.

It was such a small action, but it registered deeper with me.

"Thank you," I whispered as she ran her arms around my waist, holding me against her warm body.

"Of course," Monroe murmured, giving my waist a gentle squeeze, "Any condiments?"

I pursed my lips in thought, "What do you have?" I decided to ask, knowing she probably didn't have a lot of options.

"I got a few different options for you," she said, pulling away from me to walk over to the fridge.

Her words made me smile, finding it cute that she also took the time to buy different sauces for me.

"Barbecue sauce?" I decided to ask, turning around as she opened the fridge.

"Yes," Monroe said, reaching inside the insanely organized fridge to grab the bottle of barbecue sauce.

It was organic, but still a step forward I think.

"Perfect, I'll have that please," I said, earning a nod from her as she gently closed the fridge, "Thanks Ro Ro."

She hummed, "You're welcome darling," she said, walking over to my plate as she opened the bottle of barbecue sauce.

Once she poured a decent amount on my plate, she walked over to the table with me, setting the plate down in front of me.

Then she focused on meticulously cleaning the kitchen to her standard, leaving me to happily eat my dino nuggets and tater tots.

There were so many that I decided to save some for her, hoping she would try a bite for me.

"Ro Ro," I called out, glancing away from my plate as I drank my water.

"Yes, darling?" Monroe said, patting her hands dry on the dish towel.

"Will you try a bite?" I asked, smiling innocently as I held her stare, "For me?" I purposely added.

Monroe raised a brow at my words, eyeing my face for a moment.

"For you?" she repeated my question, walking over to the table I sat at.

"Pretty please?" I murmured softly as Monroe stopped by my chair, eyeing my plate.

Then she reached down, making my heart shoot up in my chest as she grabbed one of the nuggets.

She even dipped it in barbecue sauce before bringing it to her lips for a bite.

It was painfully silent as she chewed, leaving me filled with anticipation.

"So? Do you like it?" I asked, eyeing her face for any sort of reaction.

I nearly grinned when she finally nodded, taking another bite that she chewed before speaking again.

"It's very good, Liberty," Monroe said, making my grin grow wider.

"Really? You aren't just saying that?" I asked her, eyeing her as she reached for a tater tot.

I wasn't sure if she was just trying to be nice.

"No," Monroe shut down my assumptions, "I think I'll make myself a plate."

I raised a brow, "A plate? Like you're going to have it for dinner too?" I asked, feeling a little surprised.

Monroe smiled, like genuinely smiled, making my brain grow fucking fuzzy.

"Yes, Liberty, like I'm going to have it for dinner too," she repeated my words, eating the tater tot as she walked over to the kitchen.

Then she removed the leftover Dino nuggets and tater tots from the glass storage bowls, plating them for herself.

She even added barbecue sauce too.

It made me feel really happy, knowing that she actually liked one of my go-to meals.

Even if I felt full, I decided to finish the food on my plate anyway—wanting to eat dinner with her.

Somehow a terrifying morning, one of the worst mornings of my life, turned into a really good day.

It all felt worth it as I sat at the dining room table with her, eating our Dino nuggets and tater tots.