Page 12 of Clear Shot (Lauderdale Knights #9)
Aiden
Depression is a tricky little asshole.
It can come on out of nowhere, for no reason, and stick around for hours, days, or even weeks.
I’ve been dealing with it since my early teens so I recognize that faint black cloud that pops up in my psyche, but since I’m finally on a medication that works, it’s nowhere near as bad as it was in the past.
When it happens now it’s more of an annoyance—a faint adjustment to my mood that makes me grumpy and unmotivated.
Luckily, I’ve learned coping mechanisms that help me through when the occasional bout hits, and hockey forces me to be productive no matter how much I want to crawl under the covers and eat my weight in pizza.
An extra long workout and/or a romp in the sack with an energetic lady helps too.
Except today is a game day so no extra workouts for me, and the only woman I want to romp with is my wife.
The same wife I friend zoned.
Again .
Jesus, the situation has turned into a cluster.
Hana looked so confused when I told her I never wanted kids, and then before I could back pedal or soften the blow, a mask slid into place, effectively shutting me out.
I recognize it for what it is—a way to protect herself from whatever she’s thinking or feeling—but I’m still ticked off about it.
And there’s no one to blame but myself.
So now I’m in a depression spiral, on a game day, with no one I can talk to.
I have a therapist I can call but I don’t have time today. Like it or not, I have to put one foot in front of the other and get my ass to the arena. Once I’m on the ice, I’ll be fine—hockey is my safe place and my happy space—so until then I have to find a way to muddle through.
Maybe I can sneak in a short workout that won’t impact my ability to perform on the ice in a few hours.
“How’s married life treating you?” Jordan asks when we’re on the bus to the arena.
“It’s good,” I respond automatically. What else can I say?
Oh, it sucks because I told Hana I don’t want kids.
That even sounds stupid in my head but Jordan doesn’t seem to be buying my answer. He arches a brow and gives me a look that tells me he knows that I’m bullshitting him.
“Already?” he asks, a faint smile playing on his lips.
“Already what?” I snap, irritated.
“Already having issues.” His voice is low, but I don’t have time for this bullshit.
“There are no issues,” I grunt under my breath. “I’m just in a bad mood today. That’s all.” He knows I battle depression.
“Oh.” His face softens a little. “Well, if you need to talk, I’m here.”
“Thanks.” The last thing I need is to talk to Jordan. He has his own demons that he’s been dealing with and doesn’t need to get dragged into my shit.
“Whatever it is that’s going on, don’t shut her out,” he says after a moment.
“As your friend, I see you do it every time you’re going through something.
You keep everything bottled up. And as the king of keeping everything bottled up, I can tell you from experience it’s not the right move.
You don’t have to open up to me but talk to her.
Because if you don’t, you’re going to lose her. ”
I’ve already lost her, so that’s kind of a moot point.
He just doesn’t know it.
“It’s not real,” I say quietly.
“And you want it to be.”
Duh.
Who wouldn’t?
Too bad I’m a broken fuck-up with a past that makes it impossible for me to be the man Hana needs.
“You’re one of the only people who know our situation,” I continue. “So leave it alone. She’s better off not getting attached to me.”
“Better off?” He scowls. “That’s some self-deprecating bullshit.”
“Would you knock it off? Please?”
He shrugs. “Fine. But you need to think long and hard about giving up the woman you’ve always had a thing for.”
With that, he puts his headphones back on, leaving me to my misery.
There’s no future for us, so I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be thinking long and hard about.
Convincing her she doesn’t need to have a family would be selfish as fuck. And she’d eventually wind up resenting me.
I did the best thing possible given the situation, even if it sucks right now.
The biggest problem is going to be sex.
There is no way in hell I can go a year without, but cheating on Hana feels wrong, despite the circumstances. Sleeping with her when there’s an expiration date on our relationship also feels wrong.
Leaving me with no solution to multiple problems.
Fuck.
Luckily, my depression lifts in a day or so, and I start feeling like myself again.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t help the situation I’m in or the fact that we’ll be heading home the day after tomorrow.
Home.
To the apartment I share with my new wife.
Whom I haven’t heard from in the week since I left.
I should be the one to reach out, but I don’t know what to say so I take the chicken shit way out and don’t talk to her at all.
This is why I’m not good husband material. Well, one of several reasons. My ex, Regina, made sure to point out every single one of them.
I’ve just gotten back to the hotel after a team dinner meeting when my phone buzzes in my pocket and I see Hana’s name on the screen.
Damn. Is she reading minds now?
I quickly pull it out and read the text.
HANA: I’m on my way to California for a job interview. I should be home before you on Thursday but I can’t be sure. You know how flights can be.
A job interview? In California?
My heart drops.
Is she leaving me before I have a chance to?—
I quickly end that train of thought.
There’s nothing to be done.
All I can do at this point is be happy for her and hope we can salvage our friendship once our sham of a marriage is over.
AIDEN: What kind of job? When did this happen?
HANA: I sent in my resume on Friday, we did a phone interview on Monday and today I’m on a plane.
AIDEN: They must really like you.
HANA: I think so? I explained that I don’t have a work visa and they said it wouldn’t be a problem if they decide I’m the right candidate for the job.
AIDEN: Is it another sales position?
HANA: Sort of. It’s pre-sales, where I would work with the client to show them the highlights of the program. Then the sales team sweeps in to finalize everything.
AIDEN: Is that good or bad? It sounds like a step down.
HANA: Maybe a little.
AIDEN: Why would you take a step down? Don’t do it on my account, okay? I’m happy to have you around, despite what we talked about before I left. You’re still my friend and I still want you to be happy. You don’t have to take the first job that comes along. Wait for the right one—you have time.
HANA: I just thought it would be…easier.
AIDEN: For who? Don’t worry about me. I’m good. And seriously—don’t take some bullshit job just because they offer it. Is the pay as much as your old job?
HANA: No. It’s a twenty percent pay cut.
AIDEN: That’s bullshit, Hana. You know it is.
HANA: I want to hear what they have to say and see if there’s growth potential. If there is, it might be a worthwhile sacrifice. Start low, learn the ropes, and then move in for the kill.
I can’t help but chuckle.
She always makes me laugh.
One of the reasons we’ve always gotten along so well.
AIDEN: They’ll be lucky to have you. Remember that. Don’t short change yourself—you don’t have to settle.
HANA: Thank you. I appreciate hearing that. I wasn’t sure how things would work between us going forward after our…conversation.
AIDEN: Nothing has changed in terms of my willingness to help you.
HANA: You’re a good guy, Aiden.
AIDEN: Sometimes.
HANA: All the time. You shouldn’t sell yourself short either. Not many people would do what you’re doing for me.
AIDEN: Don’t waste the opportunity, okay? We’re in this awkward situation, so take advantage of it and get the job you want, the one you deserve. Why else are we doing this?
There are probably a dozen reasons.
We just don’t want to talk about them.
HANA: I’ll see you Thursday.
AIDEN: Good luck.
Funny thing is, I don’t mean it.
For some reason, I don’t want her to move to California.
It’s selfish as fuck, and I’m probably an asshole for wanting her to stay even though we’ve agreed we don’t have a future together.
The thing is, right now she’s mine.
My wife.
My woman.
And as crazy as it sounds—even to me—I’m not letting her go unless and until I absolutely have to.