Page 11 of Clear Shot (Lauderdale Knights #9)

Hana

Something is going on with Aiden.

It started the other night after the game and I haven’t been able to get it out of him.

He’s leaving on a road trip today and I’ve done my best to help him get ready but he’s been doing this a long time.

He keeps a bag packed all the time, with a revolving door of suits that go to and come back from the dry cleaner.

He keeps a double set of toiletries ready to go so he never has to pack them, and it’s the same with socks and underwear. There’s literally nothing for me to do and the strange distance between us since the other night feels like a chasm the size of California.

“Are you mad at me?” I blurt as he’s zipping up his bag.

His back is to me but I see him freeze before he slowly shakes his head.

“Not at all. Just busy.”

“Come on, Aiden. This doesn’t work if we don’t talk.”

He straightens up and turns to me. “I just want to keep things casual, you know?”

“You said you wanted us to date.” I frown at him. “Now you’re sending me mixed signals. I thought we were better friends than this. Frankly, I didn’t take you for a game player. Not in this context anyway.”

He seems to be thinking and finally nods.

“Okay, you’re right.” He finishes zipping up his garment bag and then lays it over his suitcase. He walks over to the bed and motions for me to sit beside him.

“Are you mad?” I whisper, suddenly feeling vulnerable.

He shakes his head. “Not at you.”

“Then who?”

“Myself.” He reaches for my hand and draws it into his lap.

“Why?”

“Because we should have talked about things before we jumped into marriage.”

“I thought we did.”

“Yeah. But there’s one thing we didn’t talk about.”

I wait for him to gather his thoughts because he won’t look at me.

“I don’t want kids, Hana. Ever .”

It feels like that came out of nowhere and I cock my head. “I see.”

“You needed to marry me so you wouldn’t have to leave the country in a few days, and I was happy to help out, but I should have taken into consideration this thing between us. The chemistry. I thought we could take it slow, see what happens, and maybe it could turn into a real marriage. But then…”

Now I know what’s going on.

“Then we had the conversation the other night where I said I wanted kids someday.”

“Yeah.”

“And you don’t want them ever?”

“No. The genetics in my family are… terrible. Addiction, abuse, mental health problems. Knowingly passing that on to a kid feels wrong.”

“Kids aren’t even on my radar,” I say slowly. “They’re this distant concept that I can’t quite wrap my head around. Do I want them? In theory, the answer is yes. But in practice, I don’t know.”

“I had a vasectomy two years ago,” he says quietly. “So it’s not an option.”

“Oh.”

I knew this was a marriage of convenience, but he made it seem like we could spend time getting to know each other and potentially making it real.

Now I feel confused, let down, and frustrated.

“I’m sorry.” He looks frustrated too. “I should have told you that in the beginning.”

“It’s fine.”

What else can I say?

“This wasn’t a love match,” I continue. “You did me a huge favor and I had no expectations.”

“But I gave you some. We decided to get to know each other, maybe become intimate. And I should have talked to you about my situation before we went down that road.”

“Well, the good news is, we haven’t gone down any roads yet, so it’s not a big deal. We can keep this platonic. I’m going to be sending out resumes and hopefully going on job interviews while you’re away, so maybe we can end this before the year is over.”

There’s a strange look on his face as I say that, but then it’s gone, and his expression goes back to neutral.

“That’s probably best.” He nods. “I’m sorry if I misled you, Hana.”

“It’s not a big deal.” It is, but I won’t admit it out loud. What’s the point in making him feel bad? He’s still doing me a huge favor by giving me a chance to stay in the US, so I’ll always be grateful for that.

“We still have to be careful in public,” he says after a moment. “I don’t know how strict the league is with visas for domestic partners but I don’t think we can let people know the truth.”

“Of course not. But we’re friends, Aiden. You putting your arm around me or holding my hand in public isn’t a big deal. We’ll be fine.”

He meets my gaze and his is full of regret.

“I would have given it a real try for you, Hana. You’ve always been special.”

I don’t know if that helps or hurts, but there’s nothing else to say.

I’m not ready to commit to never having children and I’m not the kind of woman who expects a man to change for her.

No, it’s better I found out now.

Before my heart got involved.

I spend the next two days buried in resumes and applications and online job research.

It would be easier if I’d gotten my Master’s, but I was reluctant to let Johan support me any longer than necessary.

I thought going home to Bratislava with a degree from MIT would make my life easier but that wasn’t the case.

It wasn’t until Claudia was hired by VineTech that she got me the interview and I found a job in my field.

Now I’m rethinking a lot of things.

If I go back to school, I can get a student visa and then I won’t have to be married to Aiden.

It would give me two years to find another job or for Claudia to get her new company off the ground.

I have plenty of money saved to pay for both tuition and living expenses, so I wouldn’t need Johan to finance it for me.

I might run out toward the end but I’m okay with him helping a little, I just didn’t want him to pay for it all.

Of course, if I go that route and I don’t find a job, I wind up going back to Bratislava with nothing. The money I have saved is enough to buy myself a nice, modern apartment in the city. If I spend it on furthering my education, I don’t know where that will leave me.

Claudia’s software program isn’t ready, and though I have faith in her, nothing is guaranteed. So finding another job would be necessary for me to stay, and I couldn’t find one after getting my Bachelor’s.

Everything feels chaotic right now and I really wish I had someone to talk to.

Claudia and Sloane are supportive, but there’s nothing they can do and since I can’t tell anyone else the truth about my relationship with Aiden, I can’t ask for advice either.

My grandmother.

She’s always been the rock in our family, and though she’ll be upset that I kept something like this from her, she’s always the voice of reason.

“About time you called,” she says by way of greeting when I call her.

“Sorry. It’s been a little bit crazy.”

“I imagine eloping with one of your brother’s friends is very crazy.”

Yikes.

How did she find out?

“I have ears everywhere,” she says before I can respond. “I was just waiting for you to get the guts to tell me yourself.”

“I’m sorry. It’s just…it’s not what you think.”

“Oh, I can guess what it is. You needed a visa and you asked that boy you’ve always wanted to help you.” She doesn’t sound happy with me at all.

How the fuck does she know that?!

“Stop reading my mind,” I mutter.

“Tell me what’s happened,” she says matter-of-factly. “Something is wrong. I can hear it in your voice.”

I tell her the whole story, ending with Aiden’s vasectomy.

“I see.” She sounds less annoyed and more confused now.

“Do you?” I ask. “Because I don’t.”

“I didn’t say I understood his reasoning, but I understand what’s happening.”

“If I go back to school, I won’t need him.” I explain my thoughts about that as well.

“But then you deplete your savings and, technically, there’s no guarantee you’ll get a job when you’re finished.”

“Exactly.”

“What do you want to do, Hana? Forget all the details of the marriage, his vasectomy, all of that. What do you want?”

That’s a tough one.

“I want everything,” I admit softly. “I want a career in the US. I want to go back to school. And I want him. I’ve always wanted him. I just knew it would be a disaster.”

“But now you’re his wife. Marriage of convenience or not, you are his wife in every sense of the word.”

“Not in every sense,” I say.

She pauses.

“ Oh . You haven’t yet consummated it.”

“No.”

“Because you were going to date and fall in love first.”

“Something like that.”

“When you first agreed to the marriage, he hadn’t said anything about dating or giving it a try, right?”

“Right.”

“And you married him anyway.”

“Yes.”

“So what’s changed?”

“Everything. What’s the point of discovering whether or not we can have feelings for each other if we don’t have the same goals? I’m not sure if I want children someday—but he’s already had a vasectomy.”

“They can be reversed, no?”

“I think so, but I’m not sure how it all works.”

“Maybe he’ll change his mind once you’ve been together for a while, when he sees how good it can be.”

“He’s twenty-seven and already had a vasectomy. I think he’s serious about his reasons for not having kids.”

“What about adoption?”

“I’ve honestly never considered that, but it’s an option. For me, at least. I’m not sure what his thoughts are.”

“So you’re going to leave him?”

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I admit. “At least, not until I find a job that will sponsor me.”

“If you don’t think you can work things out, staying will only prolong your misery,” she points out. “And you already have feelings for him.”

“Feelings, sure. But it’s not love.”

She laughs. “Maybe, maybe not, but where there are feelings, love is close behind.”

“You’re not helping me,” I mutter. “I need advice, not old-fashioned platitudes.”

“My advice is to make him fall in love with you.”

“To what end?”

“If he loves you enough, he’ll want to do whatever it takes to make you happy. Even if that means having a baby or two.”

“That feels manipulative.”

“He’s a grown man who can make his own decisions. There’s nothing manipulative about showing him that his life could be better with you in it.”

“You don’t think I should go back to school?”

“I do but stay married while you do it. This way, you don’t use all the money you saved.”

“Then I’ll feel like I’m using him.”

“You were always using him. For a visa or a place to live while you go to school—what’s the difference?”

“The difference is I’ll need two years or so to get my master’s, and we only agreed to one year.”

“Then I guess you need to hurry up and make him fall in love with you.”

“You’re not helping. At all.”

She laughs again. “I’m a lot more help than you think. Wait and see.”