Page 7

Nononono.

This cannot be happening.

Scrambling, I unroll a wad of toilet paper before placing it in my underwear and pulling up my pants.

The toilet’s water is tinted pink from the blood.

Obviously, I know it’s my period. I just hate that I’m at school… and I don’t have a mom or a mother figure to talk me through what I’m supposed to do now.

I feel sick to my stomach with the knowledge that I have to call one of my brothers and explain to them what’s going on.

Exiting the stall, I wash my hands and shift to make sure I don’t have a stain on my jeans.

I let out a breath of relief when I don’t see any blood.

“Okay, just act natural. Get to the office and call Tommy or Xander,” I say to myself before walking out of the restroom.

My leg bounces anxiously as I wait for Xander to come to my school. I stopped at my locker after I called him and luckily found a sweater to wrap around my waist.

Sitting in the office, my nerves rise with each passing second. I’m so scared I’m going to stand from this seat and have the imprint of my butt stained on the fabric.

“Sarah?”

I whip around to Xander’s voice and feel the tears spring from my eyes.

He looks at me sympathetically and holds up a small bag. “I brought you some clothes and some pads,” he whispers, stepping toward me.

“Can I go home?” My chin dips to my chest.

He nods and hands me the bag.

I’m frozen on the seat long enough that Xander tips his head, his face filling my vision. “What’s wrong?”

“I-I don’t know how to use the stuff.” Embarrassment seeps through my voice.

Xander sighs and takes my hand. “I can’t go in the restroom with you, but I can tell you what to do.”

“How do you know how?” I ask.

He smirks. “Sarah, I’m twenty and have a girlfriend. I know what a period is and what to do.”

I give him a small, appreciative smile, before hesitantly standing from the seat. I quickly look over my shoulder and feel the tension in my chest loosen when I don’t see my butt on the seat.

Ten minutes later, I’m exiting the restroom with a pad in place and a new pair of pants and underwear.

Xander wraps an arm around my shoulder and kisses my head. “How does ice cream sound?”

My lip quivers as my emotions become too much to hold back.

“Great,” I croak.

* * *

The bell above the door chimes when we step inside the ice cream parlor.

My steps halt when I see my other brothers sitting at a table.

I look up at Xander who winks at me before making his way over to them. They each give me a wide smile, acting completely normal.

Colson pushes a cup of Rocky Road ice cream toward me as I take my seat.

“Thank you.” I smile tightly.

They eat their ice-cream and converse like today isn’t the worst day in existence since our mom abandoned us two years ago.

“How are you all so chill about this?” I ask, annoyance building.

They pause and lower their spoons.

“What do you mean?” Tommy asks cautiously.

I frown. “Are we going to pretend that –” I lower my voice and lean forward. “That Xander didn’t just come and pick me up from school…”

Instead of finishing my sentence, I raise my brows, letting them finish it for themselves.

They glance at each other in silence before four sets of eyes return to me.

“Do you want us to make a big deal out of it?” Colson asks.

Ronny smacks him on the back of the head. “Shut the fuck up.”

“Ow! What? I was just asking.” He groans, rubbing his head.

“Sarah.”

My gaze shifts to Xander who smiles softly.

“If you want us to talk about it, we can. If you want to pretend nothing is different, we can. You take the lead on this.”

I drop my eyes to the cup of my melting ice cream.

“I don’t have anyone to talk to about it that will know what I’m going through,” I murmur.

I have friends but none that are actually close to me because they want to be. They all want to be around my brothers.

“I can talk with Amy?” Xander offers.

Amy has been Xander’s on and off girlfriend for the past year. She’s nice. I like her, but wouldn’t it be awkward to talk to my brother’s girlfriend about my period?

I shake my head as the first tear falls.

The sound of chairs being pushed back fill my ears followed by four sets of hands wrapping around me.

“Why did she leave?” I whimper.

It’s been a while since I’ve cried about the fact that my mom left without looking back. I never really had a reason to. My brothers have been all I needed…up until now.

Their arms wrap tightly around me before letting go.

“We might not know exactly what you’re going through, but we are still here for you.” Xander says.

“Yeah,” Tommy agrees with a nod.

I swipe at my tears before breathing in deeply and raising my head.

“Can we go home?”

I just want to be alone. The new change in my body and the reappearance of my mother’s rejection has drained me and any desire I had to have ice cream.

The four of them smile sadly at me before nodding.

I stand and head toward the door as they clean off the table and tuck in the chairs.

* * *

Laying in my bed with the blankets tucked under my chin, I stare blanky at the wall listening to the sounds of my brothers moving around the house. Colson’s rock music thumps loudly, cabinets in the kitchen opening and closing. Steps going up and down the stairs.

Since coming home from the ice cream parlor, they’ve left me alone for the most part. Xander peeked inside my room about twenty minutes ago to make sure I was okay.

I’m not. Not really.

I appreciate my brothers more than I can put into words, but I didn’t realize how much I missed having mom around until I saw the blood on my underwear.

I was 10 when she dropped me off at school. I thought everything was okay. Nothing about that day was weird or different than any other day.

We sang songs on the way to school; she told me to have a good day and be good at school.

I was completely oblivious to the world-altering change I was going to experience after.

Colson and I sat on the curb waiting for her for over an hour before Xander and Tommy came to pick us up. I still remember the worry and gloominess that hovered over them like a plague.

They were silent the entire drive home. Neither one answered any of my questions about why mom didn’t pick us up or why they looked so sad, so hurt.

The air in the house was void of the warmth and happiness it had that morning. Ronny was in his room, old school rap music blaring through his sound system. He didn’t come out for the rest of the day.

My eyes prick when I remember the pain in Xander and Tommy’s voices, in their faces, when they said mom had left and she wasn’t coming back.

Even now, I struggle to understand why. Why did she leave?

Was it something we did? Were we bad kids?

I know we fought, and we were loud, but I don’t think we were bad enough to make her abandon us.

Right?

The weeks following are kind of a blur. We were trying to get used to a new normal. Colson and I kept asking for mom. Xander was constantly on the phone, shouting at people. I heard Tommy speaking with the neighbor about doing some extra side jobs to make some money. It was a mess. Absolute chaos and I felt the weight of their stress each and every day.

I shouldn’t miss mom.

I know she doesn’t miss us. She’s been gone two years with no contact.

And yet, it still hurts.

Because I didn’t even get to say goodbye.