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The chains rattle from the impact of my kick. The bag swings back and forth. Beads of sweat slither down my forehead and heaving chest.

“Good. Again,” My coach, Dani, orders.

She’s a petite Puerto Rican with deep brown eyes, tawny skin, and curly black hair. Don’t let her short stature fool you, though. She packs a mean punch and can take down a man twice her size like it’s nothing.

Adjusting my stance, I take in a deep breath then kick out my leg with a grunt.

“You’re putting a lot more power into those kicks.” She smiles proudly, moving around the bag to pat my back.

I set my hands on my hips and nod quickly, trying to control my breathing.

“Thanks,” I pant.

I haven’t had a chance to come to the gym in a few days and my body is feeling it. I’m sore in all the places I thought I strengthened when first starting my training here.

“Go get some water and then we’ll start your cool down.” She points to where my stuff lies on the bench.

I shoot her a grateful smile before sluggishly moving toward the bench and plopping my ass down on the wood.

The feeling of each gulp of water wetting my dry throat nearly causes me to moan in pleasure.

Tightening the lid, I set the bottle down and head to where Dani is sitting with a foam roller.

“Noooo,” I whine.

She chuckles with a shake of her head. “Trust me, I know it hurts, but it’s good for your muscles.”

She pats the spot next to her and I take a seat.

We begin going through the motions of rolling out the tension in our muscles and I swear even my soul is crying in pain.

This fucking sucks.

With each whimper that falls from my lips, Dani chuckles and makes me do it again.

“I hate you,” I huff, pushing the foam roller away from me when we’re done.

“Sure, Mami.” She laughs, holding out a hand.

“Calling me Mami to seduce me isn’t going to make me forgive you for the torture you just put me through.” I wink, taking her offered hand. “Oh fuuuck.” I moan in pain when she pulls me to a stand.

“Har-har,” she mocks. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I limp my way to my bag then sling it over my shoulder. “Bye, Hank!” I shout to the owner of the gym. He salutes me with a smile.

Pushing open the door, I head home.

* * *

A deep, satisfied sigh escapes my lips as lower myself into the steaming-hot water in the bathtub. I feel the slow release as my muscles begin to relax.

After I washed away the sweat from my body, I had decided to take a bath.

Best. Decision. Ever.

It’s still early so Paige is at work at the elementary school. Today is my day off since Bones doesn’t need to me bartend tonight.

The week I turned twenty-one, I begged Bones to let me bartend. Took me a while to wear him down, but I did.

As much as I loved cleaning the bar, I love being a part of the nightly action more.

I heard a couple of customers mention a new night club that’s going to be opening the same day as Paige’s birthday and she reluctantly agreed to go.

Since the night Tyler tried to roofie me, she has worried any time I leave the house to go out or go to work, especially since I work at a bar.

I don’t drink on the job, so she has nothing to worry about there.

As far as when I go out. I go clubbing once in a blue moon. Instead, I watch street races or underground fights.

She’d kill me if she knew but I’m getting bored and need something else to do. Anything else.

As satisfying as it is to hit the bag at the gym or have the occasional spar with Dani, I need more. I need more adrenaline to flow through my body. I need my hands to shake with excitement and anticipation. Neither of those options are doing it for me anymore.

I’m hoping a change in scenery will help so I managed to convince Bones to snag me two VIP tickets in exchange for watching his teenage grandson.

He’s a little shit who likes to stare at my chest and asks me, almost weekly, when I’ll accept his marriage proposal.

It’s a good thing I only need to watch him for two nights or I’d probably beat him with a wooden spoon.

I lie in the tub until the water turns cold and my skin prunes before heaving myself up and wrapping a towel around my body.

Once I’m ready for the day, I head to kitchen and brew a cup of coffee.

My anxiety of being at home instead of doing something to keep my body and mind busy rises the longer I sit within these four walls.

I’m hyperaware of each tick the clock on the wall makes and it grates at my nerves.

“Ugh!” I growl then set my mug on the counter. I stock to my room and rip my phone from the nightstand.

I scroll until I find Karley’s number and shoot her a text.

As I wait for her text, I return to the kitchen to finish my coffee. I lean impatiently against the counter, staring at my phone screen. I don’t even know if she’s awake, but I can’t sit here.

My mind is racing with small flashes of distant memories of my brothers. It hurts. It’s too much.

I launch myself at my phone when it pings.

I snort at her reply. She’s not an early riser, which is part of the reason she works at night at Bone’s bar.

Regardless of what time I fall asleep, I can’t stay in bed past 9 am. Sure, I can nap, but even those are few and far between.

I don’t want to wait until Paige gets off work to do something, but it seems I have no choice. Karley isn’t going to get up and want to go on an adventure until later tonight.

With slumped shoulders, I tell her to go back to sleep, then slide my phone into my back pocket.

My eyes roam around the apartment and an idea takes form. A smile lifts my lips as I grab my purse from where it sits, slide my feet into my sneakers, and dash out the door.

* * *

A few hours, some sweat, and tears later, the apartment is redecorated and rearranged.

“Perfect,” I say, triumphantly and slap my hands together, cleaning off the invisible dust from my palms.

A marble grey and white rug sits in the middle of the living room with an oval coffee table rested on top. We still have our ragged old couch, but I bought a charcoal couch-cover to make it look nice. I brought out a couple of throw blankets from our linen closet in the hallway and laid them on that.

I changed the yellow curtains we had to black ones and hung little fairy lights from the curtain rod.

In the kitchen, I bought a bunch of those plastic and glass container you see all over social media and reorganized the pantry, drawers, and refrigerator.

Since we’re renting, I couldn’t repaint, so instead I bought some removable wallpaper to make some accent walls. Its design is an abstract pattern of light blues and white.

The entire task of redoing the apartment was exactly what I needed to take my mind off the things I refuse to acknowledge.

It hurts too much to relive the past. The pain of seeing my brothers in my head is crippling.

Sure, I talk about them every now and then, but seeing their faces is what kills me the most.

I plaster a smile on my face when I hear the thunk of the deadbolt unlocking.

“Surprise!” I shout with a jump when Paige steps into the space.

She startles then scans the room. “I see you’ve been busy,” she teases, shutting the door behind her.

“I got bored.” I shrug.

She doesn’t know that I struggle to sit still because then the heartache of my past catches up to me.

She has her own demons, and I don’t need to bother her with my own.

She knows what she needs to. That I grew up with 4 brothers and lost them.

She doesn’t know the survivor’s guilt I drown in every day.

She doesn’t know that every day is a battle to run away from the pain I feel, and I don’t ever plan on stopping.