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Have you ever experienced such horrific emotional pain it eventually becomes almost numbing?

I’m not sure how else to describe the feelings running rampant inside my body as I watch their caskets being lowered.

I don’t acknowledge a single person who has come to pay their respects. I’m so tired of people telling me they’re sorry for my loss or that it will get better.

What do they know?

They didn’t watch their childhood home crumble to the ground with their brothers’ bodies inside. They didn’t watch as the paramedics gave up trying to revive one of them on the front lawn. They didn’t feel the physical effects of their soul shattering into a million pieces.

They also don’t feel the suffocating guilt of surviving. Of being alive – breathing – while knowing their family is decomposing in fucking boxes.

“Take all the time you need. We’ll return after you’ve left,” one of the cemetery workers whispers. I nod so he knows I heard him. His mouth opens as though he wants to say something else. Deciding against it, he closes his mouth and walks away.

The first tear doesn’t fall until I’m left completely alone. My legs weaken and I lower myself to the wet grass.

It’s poetic really. The dark clouds. The rain. It’s a classic display of how shitty this entire day has been.

How shitty my life has become.

Over the last few weeks while I’ve waited for my brothers’ bodies to be prepped for burial, I’ve made the decision to leave this town.

“I’m leaving,” I whisper to the caskets. “I can’t be here anymore. I see you guys everywhere and it’s eating me alive.”

I play with a blade of grass I pulled from the ground.

“I don’t plan to ever come back. I-it hurts so much. I hope you can forgive me for not coming to visit.”

The subtle taste of salt meets my tongue when I lick my lips.

I spend the next hour listening to the gentle sound of raindrops sprinkling against nearby headstones.

“I love you so much.” I press a kiss to my forefinger and middle finger then press them against the ground.

I rise from the ground and dust myself off.

One second. That’s all I’m allowing myself. One second, and then I’m gone.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, and walk away from where my brothers’ will lie forever.