Page 53 of Certified Pressure 3 (Certified Pressure #3)

“Because I owe her that much,” I said, my voice low.

“After everything she did, after she tried to take her own life, I couldn’t just walk off.

Just seein’ her laid out. She ain’t look like herself.

Her lips was pale, her hands cold and… I don’t even like talkin’ about it.

But since then, I told myself I was gon’ make sure she never feel like that again.

That’s guilt talkin’, I know, but that’s where I’m at. ”

Dr. V didn’t interrupt. She just let me go on. That’s what made me keep talkin’.

“I ain’t never been good at expressin’ shit,” I said.

“You know that, but I been tryin’ with you, and I ain’t gon’ lie, it’s helped.

I been sittin’ on a lot of pain since Ka’mari lost that baby.

I thought time was gon’ heal it, but it didn’t.

I carried it into every situation after that.

I carried it into Kashmere, into Pluto and now, into this damn marriage.

It’s like I been tryin’ to make up for that one loss, hopin’ if I fix everybody else, it’ll fix me too. ”

She nodded again, then leaned forward. “And has it?”

I shook my head. “Nah. It just made everything worse. Pluto don’t even talk to me no more unless it’s about the baby or Zurie.

I don’t blame her. I done put her through a lot, but almost nine months pregnant now, and all her focus is on our child.

I respect it, but part of me be wishin’ she would still call just to ask how I’m doin’. That shit sound dumb, right?”

“Not dumb,” Dr. V said. “It sounds human.”

I laughed under my breath. “Yeah, well, I don’t feel human half the time. I feel like I been playin’ every role everybody expect me to play. Son, fiancé, father… provider… But I ain’t been me in a minute. I don’t even know who that is no more.”

Dr. V flipped a page in her notebook but still didn’t write.

“Pressure, I want you to listen to me. Not getting married to Kashmere doesn’t make you a horrible person, and marrying her doesn’t make you horrible either.

You’re trying to do what you think is right, but right and happy aren’t always the same thing. ”

I sat with that for a second, rollin’ it around in my mind.

“So what, I’m supposed to just cancel the weddin’ and leave Kash hangin’?

Everybody already flyin’ in. Her people, mine, the press.

I can’t do that. I can’t embarrass her like that, especially after what she did to herself before.

If I leave now, she might not make it through that. ”

“You’re carrying guilt, not love,” she said softly.

“And guilt can look like responsibility, but it’s really fear.

You’re afraid of hurting her, afraid of disappointing your family, afraid of being seen as the bad guy, but what about you?

When do you get to stop carrying everybody else and just take care of Pressure? ”

Her words sat heavy with me. I rubbed my hands together, starin’ at the floor again. “I don’t know,” I said. “I guess I ain’t never learned how to do that.”

“That’s what this is about,” she said. “You’ve been running from pain for years, and now you’re tryin’ to outrun guilt too. You can’t. Sooner or later, it’s gonna catch up, and if you don’t stop, you’re going to lose the parts of yourself that still want peace.”

I looked up at her again, this time for longer. She was right. I knew she was right. I just ain’t know how to fix it without destroyin’ everything else around me.

“So, what you sayin’, Doc?” I asked. “You think I shouldn’t get married?”

“I’m saying you need to do what makes you happy,” she said. “You can’t keep stretchin’ yourself thin. At some point, you’ll have nothin’ left to give. This isn’t about Kashmere or Pluto. It’s about you. What do you want for Pressure Mensah?”

I sat back and exhaled slow. “I want peace,” I said. “That’s it. I’m tired of feelin’ like I gotta pick between loyalty and love. I wanna wake up and not feel like I’m lettin’ somebody down every time I breathe.”

“Then you start by being honest with yourself,” she said. “Tomorrow, before you do anything else, ask yourself if you can live with this choice for the rest of your life. Not for anyone else, but for you.”

For a minute, neither of us said nothin’. The room got real quiet, and I could hear my own heartbeat. I rubbed the side of my face and nodded slowly. “Yeah,” I finally said. “I hear you.”

She gave me that smile she always give when she knows she got through to me. “You’ve come a long way, Pressure. The man who walked in here months ago wouldn’t have even said that.”

I smirked. “Yeah, that version of me would’ve told you I don’t need no damn therapy.”

“And what does this version say?”

I paused. “This version say I’m still tryin’ to figure it out, but at least I ain’t runnin’ from it no more.”

Dr. V closed her notebook and stood up. “That’s progress,” she said. “Take the night for yourself before everything gets loud again.”

I stood too, pulled my chain from under my shirt, and nodded. “Appreciate you, Doc. For real.”

Walkin’ out that office felt heavier than usual.

I ain’t even realize how much I said till I got outside and the sun hit me.

My head was filled with every word she said.

Do what makes Pressure happy. I got in my whip and just sat there for a minute before startin’ it.

I leaned my head back and stared up at the roof, thinkin’ about Pluto and Kashmere, thinkin’ about my son that wasn’t here yet, and the one I lost that I still carried around every day.

When I finally pulled off, the city looked different. I ain’t even turn the music on. I just drove. Every stoplight felt longer than usual. By the time I pulled up to the mansion, I could already hear loud music comin’ from inside. I parked, took a deep breath, and walked in.

Kay’Lo, Renza, and Blaqson was in the livin’ room with bottles already open. Smoke filled the air, and cards was spread out on the table like they had been here all day.

“There he go,” Renza said, standin’ up and slappin’ me on the back. “Tomorrow the big day, my boy!”

Kay’Lo laughed, holdin’ up a bottle. “We pre-gamin’ Cuz. You better get lit tonight ‘cause tomorrow you done for.”

I smiled, droppin’ my keys on the counter. “Y’all crazy.”

They was smilin’ and laughin’, but my mind wasn’t with them. I could still hear Dr. V’s voice echoin’ in my head. Do what makes Pressure happy.

I looked around the room at my niggas, the same people who been with me through everything, and, I ain’t know if I was doin’ this for me or for everybody else.

Kay’Lo turned the music up, and Renza started jokin’ about strippers for the night.

My body was here, but my mind was sittin’ in that office again, still thinkin’ about what Dr. V said.

Tomorrow was supposed to be the biggest day of my life, but right now, it just felt like another day where I had to pretend I was okay.