Page 52 of Certified Pressure 3 (Certified Pressure #3)

Just tryna see it through….

The months was flyin’ by and I felt like I was livin’ two different lives at the same time.

One minute I was sittin’ in a tux fittin’ with Kay’Lo, Renza and Blaqson, then talkin’ about centerpieces and champagne colors for the weddin’ with Kash, and the next I was in a recliner with Pluto’s hand in mine, listenin’ to the baby’s heartbeat through the doppler.

Every sound hit me deep. That lil’ thump felt like a second chance God gave me after what happened with Ka’mari.

Losing my baby at seven months broke me, so watchin’ Pluto’s belly grow and seein’ her round and glowin’ with life, did somethin’ to me.

She was seven months when we had the baby shower, which was the same amount of months Ka’mari was, and I made sure it was done right.

The whole thing looked like royalty met heaven.

My mama picked the theme with gold and cream colors and white roses everywhere.

The setup was in the courtyard behind The Keep, under them big chandeliers that hung from the tent top.

The food was catered by one of the top chefs from Trill-Land.

Music played low old school soul mixed with a few of my old tracks when I used to call myself rappin’ that Renza snuck in just to fuck with me.

Pluto wore this long blue dress that hugged her belly perfectly, and her hair was pulled up.

Her face was full and soft, and she looked like a woman built out of peace.

My family showed up strong for her, which meant everything to me.

My aunt Treasure was there too. She’s a doula, and had been takin’ care of Pluto since the second trimester.

Treasure kept everything calm, tellin’ her what teas to drink, what herbs to use for swelling and how to stretch right.

She didn’t just treat her like a patient, she treated her like blood.

Even my mama, who usually keep her emotions tucked, kept her hand on Pluto’s back most of the day, talkin’ to her softly and makin’ sure she ate. Everybody gave her love.

That day was heavy for me. I couldn’t stop thinkin’ about Ka’mari and how she was that far along when we lost the baby.

I kept seein’ her face in flashes, the hospital lights, the machines…

So, when Pluto stood up to open gifts, I had to look away for a second and just breathe.

I walked over, got behind her chair, and put my hands on her belly.

I felt my son move right under my palm, like he knew I was there.

It was wild how life could crush you one year and give you somethin’ to heal you the next.

Pluto looked up at me and smiled. Her eyes were soft, tired, but peaceful. “He kicking again,” she whispered.

“I know,” I said, keepin’ my hand there. “He know his daddy.”

The whole family watched us like it was somethin’ sacred, and I guess it was.

After that, everything moved fast. Between the baby appointments, therapy sessions, and weddin’ rehearsals, my schedule was packed.

I would go from a therapist’s office talkin’ about my guilt and my temper to dinner reservations with Kashmere where she would be on her phone scrollin’ through weddin’ inspiration like it was her full-time job.

She kept tryin’ to pull me back into that world, the one where we looked perfect on camera.

Sometimes I played along ‘cause I ain’t know what else to do.

I told myself I was protectin’ her. After she overdosed on them pills, I couldn’t just walk away.

That day scared me. I still couldn’t believe I found her laid out in the bathroom and if I hadn’t pulled up when I did, she’d be gone.

Since then, I been tryin’ to keep her stable, even if that meant sacrificin’ my own peace.

The bridal shower came around and she had it big.

Champagne walls, live music, and all her bridesmaids in matchin’ silk.

She wanted me to stop by at the end to thank everybody.

When I walked in, the whole room lit up with camera flashes.

She kissed me, wrapped her arms around me, and whispered about how perfect everything was.

I smiled, but inside I was somewhere else.

I kept thinkin’ about Pluto sittin’ at home, probably rubbin’ her belly and watchin’ TV with Zurie.

Pluto’s birthday came not long after. I had my assistant drop off a bunch of designer maternity clothes, sneakers, and some flats from her favorite brand.

I made sure she had everything she needed for the next couple of months.

I might not’ve been stayin’ there every night, but I made sure she felt me in every detail of her life.

My birthday came next, and Kashmere went all out.

She threw a private party at The Monarch Lounge in Drahma Town.

Everybody who mattered in Trill-Land came through.

There was champagne fountains, luxury cars lined up and cameras everywhere.

Kashmere danced like she had somethin’ to prove, and I played my part.

I smiled, toasted, took pictures, but none of it hit me the same.

I went home that night with noise in my head that wouldn’t stop.

I laid next to her, lookin’ at the ceiling, and all I could think about was Pluto and the baby.

When Zurie’s birthday came around, I told Pluto I wasn’t missin’ it for nothin’.

She agreed to let me take her to Disney World for the day, and that trip was one of the best days I had in a long time.

I rented out a section of the park so it wouldn’t be too crowded, brought a few of my lil’ cousins, and we rode every ride Zurie was tall enough to get on.

She wore a sparkly Minnie Mouse outfit and held my hand the whole time.

Her laugh kept echoin’ through the air, loud and pure, and I realized how much I needed that sound.

She pointed at every toy and snack she saw, and I bought it all, from stuffed animals, balloons, cotton candy, necklaces, anything she wanted. Watchin’ her joy made me feel good. I couldn’t even lie—that lil’ girl had my heart.

Pluto texted me that night to thank me for makin’ her day special. I told her she didn’t owe me nothin’. Zurie mine too, and I didn’t give a fuck what nobody said about it.

Therapy kept me halfway sane through all of it.

I would sit there talkin’ about how torn I felt, how guilty I was for wantin’ to keep everybody happy.

The therapist told me I was tryin’ to fix things that couldn’t exist at the same time, and maybe she was right, but I wasn’t built to leave nobody hangin’.

I had too much history with Kashmere to just walk off, and too much love for Pluto to let her feel alone.

The weeks turned into months, and before I knew it, the weddin’ was one week away. Everything was set—the venue, tux, rings, guest list... Everything.

Kashmere was glowin’ like she already won, talkin’ about honeymoons and new houses, and I just nodded along.

But late at night, when it was quiet, I would pull out my phone and scroll through the videos of Pluto laughin’, Zurie singin’ in the background, and my son kickin’ through her belly. That’s what kept me grounded.

Pluto’s belly had gotten bigger, round and full, and every time I touched it, my chest got warm. I would rub her stomach slow while she talked about names, and watchin’ the way she smiled when she said “he.” I couldn’t describe that kind of peace if I tried.

Sometimes Zurie would crawl up on the couch beside us and press her hand on Pluto’s stomach too. She would say she could feel her baby brother-nephew movin’, and Pluto would laugh. I would look at both of them and think, this right here is home.

I ain’t know how to explain it to nobody. Not my mama, not the therapist, not even myself. I was a man caught between loyalty and love.

Now, I had a week left before I was supposed to marry a woman who already tried to leave this world once, and another woman carryin’ the life that was connected to my soul.

I kept tellin’ myself I was gon’ figure this shit out before the vows, but deep down, I knew nothin’ about this shit was simple.

Still, every time I saw Pluto, every time I rubbed that belly and heard Zurie call my name, I knew what I wanted. I just wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to choose it.

The Laurent Therapy Center

Today, I was sittin’ in my therapist’s office talkin’ about all the shit I wouldn’t talk to nobody else about.

Dr. V sat across from me with her legs crossed, holdin’ that lil’ notebook she always carried but barely wrote in anymore.

I guess she realized after a few months that I wasn’t one of them people you could figure out on paper.

You had to just sit with me and let me talk when I was ready.

I leaned back on the couch with my palms pressed together, starin’ at the floor. “Tomorrow’s the big day,” she said with that calm voice of hers. “How do you feel about getting married?”

I looked up at her for a second then back down. “I don’t know,” I said. “That’s the thing. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel right now.”

“You don’t sound excited,” she said.

“I mean, I’m not ungrateful or nothin’, but excited ain’t the word. I been through too much to be excited right now. I lost a baby with Ka’mari, got a woman pregnant who I actually love, and I’m still about to marry Kashmere. How the hell I’m supposed to be excited?”

Dr. V nodded slow like she already knew where I was headed. “Why do you think you’re marrying Kashmere?”