Page 22 of Certified Pressure 2

Trill-Land, Jungle Estate

W hen Kashmere came back into the room, I could already tell by her face what the test said. She ain’t even have to speak on it. It was negative…Again.

She dropped the box on my nightstand and slid under the covers, watchin’ me close, waitin’ for some type of reaction. But I just laid there starin’ at the ceilin’, lettin’ my thoughts run circles.

The truth was, I was convinced she might be pregnant when she told me she missed her period.

I knew I had nutted in her without a second thought.

I knew the shit I whispered to her when I was deep inside that pussy, askin’ her if she wanted a boy, a girl, or both at once.

Part of me had already started picturing it, lettin’ my mind flirt with the idea of another shot at somethin’ I had been denied before.

So when the test said no, it didn’t just feel like relief.

It felt like somethin’ had been taken away before it even existed.

Like I had lost again. I knew this wasn’t the time to have a baby, while my mind was all fucked up, but it didn’t stop the trauma from creepin’ in.

And that’s the part nobody knows. They see me as the nigga who got everything, but they don’t know what I buried.

They didn’t know what it was like to watch Ka’mari’s belly swell up until she was seven months then watch her deliver a dead baby that looked just like me.

They didn’t know what it felt like to stand over an empty crib.

They didn’t know what it was like to hear silence where a cry should’ve been.

That pain don’t leave. It just sit in you, like a knot you can’t untangle, and for some reason, this test comin’ back negative struck a nerve.

Kash was right here beside me, her eyes burnin’ holes through the side of my face. “What you thinkin’? Do you even care?”

I turned and looked at her, slow. “What I’m supposed to care about? You mad ’cause you ain’t pregnant? You think I’m supposed to be crushed?”

Her eyebrows shot up, her lips pressed tight. “Nigga, you was the one askin’ me if I wanted a boy, a girl, or twins. Don’t act brand new.”

That stung more than I let her see. I let a little smirk curve my mouth, but my voice stayed low.

“Yeah, I said that. And I meant it. I want kids. I want a baby. That ain’t no game to me.

Clearly, legacy is important to me. If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t be here right now.

But it’s not somethin’ I wanna talk about at this exact moment. It just… ain’t the time I guess.”

She tilted her head, searchin’ my face. “Why not? If you want it, you want it. What’s the part you not sayin’?”

I stared at her, my jaw tight, fightin’ the urge to tell her everything and not tell her shit at the same time.

She ain’t know she was pokin’ at scars I kept stitched shut.

That was my loss. And no matter what I built, no matter how much weed I smoked, liquor I drank, how many millions I made, or how many women lined up to wear my crown, that pain didn’t let me breathe easy. So I shook my head.

“It just ain’t somethin’ I speak on. You not pregnant and it is what it is.”

Her mouth opened like she had a comeback, but she shut it quick. For some reason, what I said landed with her. She leaned back against the pillows, breathin’ deep.

I sat up halfway and rubbed my chest. “I still wanna meet ya folks, though. You need to get your mama and daddy on the phone later so we can book they flights. I need to see who raised you.”

Kashmere sucked her teeth but kept her tone low. “I don’t even know if my mama gon’ come, Pressure. And my daddy stay busy. He probably won’t show.”

“Still try,” I told her, starin’ dead at her. “I gotta know where that crazy shit come from.”

That got a smile out of her. She rolled her eyes but she couldn’t hide the laugh that slipped.

She reached up, her palm sliding across my cheek, her nails scratchin’ through my beard just right.

I let my eyes close for a second ‘cause it felt too damn good, but I ain’t wanna give her the green light for what she really wanted.

Sure enough, her hand trailed down my chest, then to my waist, then she started rubbin’ my dick through my briefs. She was ready to fuck, but I caught her wrist.

“Chill,” I said, firm.

She pulled back a little, confused. “Why? That’s all we do anyway. You’ve never told me no.”

“And that’s the problem.” I looked her in the eye. “That’s all we been on. Fuckin’. You just proved my point. I ain’t tryna keep thinkin’ with my dick. I gotta see if this shit deeper than that.”

I meant what I said but the other part of me–the reckless part–knew I needed to chill on goin’ in Kashmere raw.

She frowned, her lips poked out, and attitude right there on the tip of her tongue. But instead of snappin’, she let out this long sigh and just stared at me.

“Look,” I continued. “Imagine we get married and the only time we even vibin’ is when we in the bed.

That’s weak as hell. I need more. I need to know we solid when the music off, when the weed gone, when it ain’t other people in the house, no nothin’.

That’s the only way this shit make sense at this point. ”

She sat there quiet for a second, then lifted my hand and kissed the back of it. It was slow and real soft. Somethin’ about that move hit me in a place I ain’t even know I could feel.

“If that’s what you want,” she whispered, “then I’mma ride with you. I wanna grow with you, Pressure. I wanna learn new things with you. I wanna build for real.”

I squinted at her. “You sure?”

“Yes.” She nodded like she meant it.

Next thing I knew, her arms were around me, pullin’ me close, huggin’ me like she could squeeze the doubt right out my chest. And even though I ain’t say it, I felt it—this was the type of shit that made me see why I could love Pluto and Kashmere at the same time.

Pluto had my heart in ways I couldn’t even explain, but Kashmere had this sweetness under all that crazy that made me think maybe she could grow into somethin’ real too.

I could just look in her eyes and tell she really loved me.

Right when I let myself relax into her arms there was a knock at the door.

“Come in,” I called out, already half-annoyed.

The door cracked, and Ka’mari stepped in holdin’ a cup of coffee.

Soon as she saw Kashmere in my bed, her whole vibe switched.

Kashmere sat up slow, givin’ her a nasty ass look, and Ka’mari shot one right back.

The tension hit the room quick, and Ka’mari’s eyes cut to me like she expected me to check Kashmere and send her packin’.

I dragged my hand down my face. “I’mma get up with you,” I told Kashmere, my voice low but clear.

Kashmere didn’t wanna move, I saw it in her face. But she pulled it together, leaned down, and kissed me on the lips right in front of Ka’mari before slidin’ off the bed. I watched Ka’mari’s eyes roll damn near to the ceilin’, then Kashmere strutted out the room with her chin high.

Ka’mari shook her head and walked over, settin’ the cup in my hand. “This is really a real thing…” she muttered, side-eyeing me.

I shrugged and took a sip. “Aye, it is what it is.”

She sat down on the edge of the bed next to me, her hand restin’ bold on my thigh. “How you doin’?” she asked, her voice softer than I expected.

Before I could even form an answer, her eyes shifted to the dresser. The box from Kashmere’s test was sittin’ right there, plain as day. I saw the change in her face—the way her eyes narrowed, and the way her jaw tightened.

“Who’s pregnant?” she asked, her tone sharp now.

I let out a breath, lookin’ right at her. “Nobody. The test was negative.”

Her eyebrows lifted, but she didn’t let it drop. “But you were expecting it to be positive, huh?”

She leaned back, shaking her head slow. “That’s the part I don’t understand. You can look at another woman and imagine her carrying your child, but when it comes to me—when it comes to what we went through—you act like it never happened. Like it’s easier to bury it than to face it.”

That struck a nerve so deep my chest burned.

I turned toward her, my voice raisin’. First of all, don’t come in here tellin’ me what the fuck you think I’m imagining .

You don’t know what’s goin’ on in my head, Ka’mari.

And face it? You talkin’ to me about facin’ shit?

You the one who swallowed them pills. You the one who ain’t wanna go through it again after we lost my son.

Don’t sit here like I’m the only one runnin’. ”

Her lips parted, tears already glossin’ her eyes.

“You think I wanted that? You think I ain’t wake up every day, rememberin’ how it felt to hold my stomach and know he was gone?

You think I ain’t die inside too? I was scared, Pressure.

I was terrified of losin’ another one and of breakin’ down all over again.

I didn’t know what else to do. And until you are able to carry a soul in your body, don’t tell me shit! ”

I couldn’t believe Ka’mari was takin’ me here right now.

I clenched my jaw, shakin’ my head, my chest heavy with everything I never said out loud.

I stared at her, my chest burnin’. “Don’t do that.

Don’t make it like my pain don’t count ‘cause I ain’t the one who carried him.

That was my son too. I don’t give a fuck if I nutted in the ground, buried it with soil, and my son grew through a fuckin’ cactus—he was still my son, and I felt that shit too. Miss me with that bullshit, girl.”

Her face broke right there. She covered her mouth, cryin’ hard, shoulders shakin’.

The sound of it cut straight through me, no matter how much I wanted to stay mad.

I felt it all over again—the hospital lights, the weight of silence where a cry should’ve been, the way Ka’mari turned her face to the wall after it happened and never looked at me the same.