Page 54 of Carver

It was the calmest Gideon had ever lived to his memory.

After drinking down a few gulps, he placed the water bottle on the floor beside his feet. When he rose back up, Fury was smiling at him again.

"All right then, let's get started. You told me before that you needed help. Can you elaborate? Explain more," he added at the end.

Gideon paused for a moment, not sure where he wanted to start. He could go back to the beginning of what he remembered, or he could start with the last bits.

Instead, his first words were, "I understand you."

Fury nodded. "That's good. Do you mean that you understand English or that you understand I'm a therapist?"

Gideon shook his head. "I know words," he replied. “Speaking got me in trouble before.”

Fury's jaw clenched. It reminded Gideon of how Carver reacted. These men were good at holding back their emotions, at stopping themselves from lashing out.

Deep down, Gideon knew that it wasn't him that was the problem. It was the circumstances.

Fury leaned forward, elbows moving to his knees. “I want to tell you right now, Gideon, that you're not going to get in trouble for speaking here. This is a safe place for you to be, not just physically but emotionally and mentally as well. We want to know what you've been through so we can help you. We want to know what you're thinking as you're thinking it so we can guide you to a better place. There is nothing you could say that willmake us tell you to leave here. You're allowed to be an Angel for as long as you want.”

Gideon felt his stomach bubble with excitement over this news. He'd heard it before but something about today felt different. It was as if everything was falling into place. It could have been because he was finally speaking out or maybe it was from earlier when he shared moments with Carver that changed how he felt. His body's reaction was drastic enough to propel him forward to where he was now, doing something he didn't think was possible just days ago.

“You look as if you're thinking hard about something. If you don't want to talk about it that's fine, but I'll remind you again that I'm here for you,” Fury said.

Gideon cleared his throat before he decided to dive right in. “The woman who kept me never hurt me in the way I think you all think. She didn't touch me or my parts.”

He stumbled over the words. He knew the other ones that people used —cock, dick, penis— but he didn't want to say those right now. It felt too crass. He hadn't learned a different way they could be used if you weren’t being mean.

Gideon didn’t want to be mean.

“You don’t have to keep going if you don’t want to.” Fury’s words shook him loose.

Gideon continued, “She would never do those things, but her words would cut. She was mean and the men hated me because she treated me special in front of them. They would beat me when she was gone.”

Fury sat up, his hands moving back to the sides of the chair. Gideon focused on the way they tightened against the wooden arms as he continued sharing.

“I don't remember being the Gideon that Carver said I was. I was always called pet and now I'm here, and I'm Carver's sweet boy, and my body is doing things.”

He let out a heavy breath, unsure where to go next.

Fury's hands loosened on the arms of the chair. He seemed to be stuck in his own head too because neither of them spoke for a while.

Eventually, it was Fury who broke the silence by asking, “What has your body been doing?”

Gideon closed his eyes. Not because he wanted to lay down and dream like Fury had suggested. It was more out of embarrassment. Out of a desire to hide so he could avoid the question.

How could he explain to this other man that he wanted touch? He wanted to feel in ways he had never gotten to experience but had witnessed time and time again.

Gideon waved his hand towards his crotch. “It hardened before. And I… I pictured him doing things. Things that I had been made to watch. But those things weren't done with love or kindness. They were hurtful and filled with pain.”

Fury nodded. “I have to admit that this is not at all where I thought this conversation would go. I'm honored that you chose to speak with me about this, and I want to help you. Knowing that you were not sexually abused is good news. However, mental abuse and being made to watch things you don't want to is also quite harmful. The difference here is that we have to combat your mind instead of just your body. Because at this point, your body knows what it wants. It wants Carver.”

Fury's words felt final. They were true in every sense. At least they were from what Gideon understood anyway. It was mostly the bit about him wanting Carver that felt right.

“I do want him,” Gideon said. “But how am I supposed to understand any of it?”

Fury rubbed his hands together, then pressed his palms to his legs. “Let me ask a few questions before we go any deeper.Are you afraid Carver will hurt you that way if you're together or are you afraid of hurting him?”

Gideon swallowed thickly. The thought of either was terrifying. “I would never hurt him, and I don't think he would hurt me.”