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The room smells like eucalyptus and lavender. I guess that’s supposed to relax me enough to tell all my deepest darkest secrets.

Instead, I slouch on this comfortable ass couch and stare at the clock on the wall behind my therapist.

Brina and Autumn, man. Some time between me having a seizure on stage and waking up in the hospital they told my bros about my mama and Raya. Everyone agreed I needed to see someone and talk. Niggas confiscated all my computer stations they know about, all twelve of them. I’m lucky to still have my fucking phone.

I’m twenty-six. What the fuck is going on?

But it’s coming from a good place. They care. So I’ll be here an hour a day, every other day.

Doesn’t mean I have to talk.

I don’t need no fucking shrink.

Age 11

“Why you always got that laptop, Baby Set?”

We’re in the Center, soaking up the AC since it’s hot as hell. It’s more than a few boys who hang around my big brother, but today it’s Fredo, Turk, and Sean sitting on the bleachers with us. Ty, Rico, and Peanut are playing a game on the court with some of the older BBs.

I’ve been coming to my pop’s house for a couple months, and things are very different here than in Hudsonville.

For one, everyone I know here, including my brother Casey, is a gang member.

Even Sean, who’s a year younger than me.

Most of them sell drugs, too. Sometimes I have to go with them. Sometimes I get shuffled between Casey’s friends so I’m not out with them. Sometimes Peanut will take me with him to go stalk some girl he met from his old school, Tati. She seems nice, if we’d ever actually go up to her.

Everyone else is nice, though. Nice enough, at least. I guess beating up some of the top members of their gang made an impression on them.

But they don’t like Sincere, at all. He’s not outside today. His grandmother doesn’t really let him come outside, so we just have sleepovers when Casey has to do something and doesn’t wanna take me. I don’t get mad, though. Sometimes he comes back with blood on him, and after throwing up all over him, he and I both agreed my tummy isn’t made for whatever the family business is.

“My bro a computer genius, like that one nigga in that cartoon. He be coding and shit.”

Casey’s the coolest dude I know. Way cooler than the niggas at my school. And he never makes me feel lame for doing my homework or being on my computer. He even stole a coding book for me when I complained about the price.

Sean’s head appears over my shoulder.

“He not coding, though. This shit looks like some DJing shit. You a DJ, Baby Set?”

I turn and find Sean grinning at me. He knows exactly what I’m doing, because we’d been playing around with this new software all night when we stayed at Sincere’s. He just wants to show off.

I do, too.

“I downloaded this app called ImaginaryDJ and I’ve been playing with some songs. Y’all wanna listen?”

I look around, and they’re all interested, but it’s Fredo who answers.

“Let’s hear it.”

He and his twin Rico are older, Peanut’s age. But he’s probably the nicest out of the three of them. He and Rico are identical, even down to the long curly hair. Rico usually keeps two cornrows, while Fredo wears his down or in two braids like Snoop Dogg. Fredo’s usually always with Turk, while Rico is usually always with Ty and Reem. Those are the only differences I can tell.

I start playing the instrumental to Pretty Boy Swag and Sean hops up and starts dancing.

When his verse comes on, Turk lights up before mushing him.

“Yo lil ass… this shit fire,”

he says when I end the song.

Sean cheeses.

“That’s not all though. Play them yo beat, Baby Set!”

I hesitate just a little before clicking the beat I’ve been working on. I sampled Pretty Boy Swag but I slowed it down and added some reverb.

“Okay, Baby Set. I see you fasho,”

Fredo says.

“dy a jack of all trades. You know these niggas be tryna rap they way out the trap. Lemme see what else you got, and next weekend you can see if they fucking with it.”

“Save this one for me, though. I’m already working on my verses. What y’all think of Yung Beezy?”

Sean poses, making us all laugh at his dumb ass. But when I look back at Casey, he gestures toward my laptop, so I start showing him more beats.

Peanut takes me back home later that day. The kitchen smells so good, but the voices I hear coming from the back make me keep going.

The back porch is cracked, and Granddad’s pissed. As usual.

“I made an appointment with a shrink and switched him from coding to band camp next month.”

“You’re overreacting as usual, Daddy.”

“And you don’t react enough, Candy. There’s something wrong with him–”

“There’s nothing wrong with Rahshad! My baby’s smart, caring–”

“Candy, you know he’s behind that video of that boy being posted, just like you know he’s that boy in the video beating him up!”

“We don’t know anything, Daddy. dy isn’t the only boy who knows his way around a computer.”

“I should have never let you get back in touch with Bishop… You know Smoochie has an addictive personality. You know we have to handle him a certain way. And you let him go off into the lion’s den every weekend. God knows what he’s being exposed to.”

Granddad never used to be disappointed in me. Not like now. My chest tightens as I squeeze the door knob.

“Rahshad deserves to know his father, and I already told you, there’s nothing wrong with my baby. He’s not seeing a fucking shrink.”

“Well, I’m taking his laptop.”

I burst out onto the back porch.

“No! Please, Granddad, don’t take my computer! It wasn’t my fault! That nig-boy, Charles, he just kept beating me up! All year! And when I finally stood up to him, he just moved onto someone else! I had to do something to stop him! Please don’t take my laptop! Please don’t make me stop seeing my dad and Casey!”

I drop to my knees and bury my face in my hands. My shoulders shake as I let out all the tears I hold in. I don’t like crying, because once I start, I can’t stop. And then I don’t want to do anything for days after.

My granddad is a big man. Big enough to pick me up off the deck and carry me into my room. Once he sets me on my bed, he walks out. My mama closes the door after him and climbs onto the bed with me.

“Oh, baby, stop crying. You know your mama can’t take it,”

she murmurs.

I curl into her like I’m a baby again and she holds me. I hate when I get like this. I hate it I hate it.

“I’m… sorry…”

She rubs my back.

“You have nothing to be sorry for. There’s nothing wrong with you, Rahshad. Granddad isn’t taking your laptop, and you’re not seeing a shrink. And you’re gonna keep seeing your father. But you’re not going to Coding Camp. And you’re grounded for the week.”

I just nod into her chest as she rubs my back. Grounded, I can do. My chest stops feeling so tight. And eventually, I fall asleep.