Page 29

Patric.

“Nutty”

Rivera is getting nice in his old age.

I remember when we first got word he was hanging around Dal. YC went ballistic. His reputation truly precedes him, and even though Mo wasn’t on the up and up, Peanut and Foe Dub are a different breed of crazy nigga.

Then we all saw them get into it at Mo’s memorial. Uncle Junior and YC came to blows trying to keep YC from killing him. The only thing that stopped him was Denver’s lil mean ass vouching for him. But we were all on the fence.

A year later, seeing this yellow nigga flipping pancakes on the griddle with Sadé in his own harness for her, it’s hard to believe this is the P-Nutty.

At first I thought he thought that seeing him with a baby would get Dal to relent on them having another child. But now, I think he really just enjoys kids. I never thought I’d have to fight a bunch of people to have time with my baby, but here I am, sketching at the island, wishing she’d be as calm with me as she is with her uncle.

Shit, she’s that calm with all her uncles. And her daddy. And Denver.

Oh lawd, my baby hates women!

I clear my throat, getting rid of that horrible thought before smirking at my brother.

“You growing your hair back out?”

Peanut lifts one shoulder as he moves the rest of the pancakes onto a dish.

“Choc be acting like she miss my hair. I told her she want me to grow it back, she need to be doing my shit.”

“Nutty gone do whatever for his Choc,”

I mimic kissing noises and he flips me off. But then, as he starts on the scrambled eggs, a grin grows on his face, and I know it’s finna be bullshit.

“Ay, we haven’t caught up in a lil minute. ‘Sup witchu and yo bd?”

My sketch becomes interesting, so I focus on that.

“C’mon Mace. I thought we bonded and shit. Remember all the shenanigans we did getting the wedding together? What you call us? Tylenol PM ‘cause we knock niggas out?”

I snort, shaking my head. But then I point my pencil at him.

“You ain’t slick. Niggas get married and forget about their bestie-in-law! You said you’d join book club.”

“, you eat up all my food, and yo baby be hollering like the Tasmanian Devil. It’s impossible to forget yo ass. And I don’t need to join book club, when Choc gives me the play by play all night after. But stop tryna deflect. You can tell me anything else but can’t tell me wassup with you and Shad? Y’all just fucking, that’s y’all business. But if it’s more, then I need to have the birds and the bees talk with a lil Nutty threat.”

I swoon, smiling up at him. See? A sweetheart.

“Nutty, you don’t have to threaten him–”

“Girl, I’d be threatening you.”

Oh.

“I’ve seen first hand how niggas fall at they feet for you,”

he continues, adding cheese to the eggs.

“You a heartbreaker foreal, and my baby bro, he sensitive. He don’t like showing emotion, but he’s a ticking timebomb, and I don’t want you to chew him up and spit him out and then he try to do a murder-suicide.”

I roll my eyes, slamming my pencil down on the counter.

“You so worried about his feelings, like he’s not the one who helped deliver my baby–that he claims–and then disappeared for three months! You caping for him so hard, do you know where he went?”

Nutty’s face turns pensive, as his movements slow.

“Nah. He’ll tell us on his own.”

“Will he? Has he? It’s been some weeks, Nut. Has he told you?”

He faces me fully now, food forgotten.

“What you tryna say bro?”

“I’m saying, you’re talking about he’s a ticking timebomb. That nigga already went off. You thinking because he hasn’t said anything, he’s straight. I know you got your own family, and your clubs, but Shaddy hasn’t been okay for a long time. Way longer than I’ve been around. You’d know that if you paid attention. Just like you’d know what was up with us.”

I pick up my sketchbook and pencil before rounding the island corner to get Sadé. But true to his nurturing nature, he shifts away.

“I got her,”

he mutters, still lost in what I said.

I nod, resisting the urge to comfort him, and make my way to the sun room. In the year I’ve been here, I know it’s hard for Peanut to admit he’s wrong about something. Not because he’s an asshole, but because he’s way more sensitive than he lets on, too. He hates feeling like he’s failed anyone around him, since he’s the oldest out of his crew.

But what I said is true. Shaddy hasn’t been okay. I don’t know if he’ll ever be okay. And it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out the shit they’re trying to prevent from happening, this epic meltdown of his, has been happening for years.

Thankfully, I lose myself in this last piece of mine. It’s the biggest one, and I know off bat it’s my favorite. I sent off some sketches and some samples for this small gallery downtown this morning, but I think they’re really gonna fuck with me. Thanks to a vlog where PC went in depth about a piece he bought from me a few years back, I’ve made a small fortune selling pieces and doing a few commissions. I’ve always been creative, but I never thought to sell my work before. It wasn’t until one of my artist beaus wanted to get frisky with some paint and showed me how much someone offered for the finished product that I was inspired.

Having artist’s block during my pregnancy really drained me. Painting became an outlet quickly, and though I am thankful I can make a living off it, even if I never made another dime, I’d still do it. I leak all the emotions I’m scared to voice onto the canvas. This project especially.

I almost don’t wanna show it. Especially this piece. But then, I know that’s bullshit. My art should be shared. Shit, there’s at least one person that can relate, probably.

My baby hollering breaks me out of my focus. I set my brush down and spin, ready to give her smiles and kisses, but then I see who’s holding her, and my smile falls instantly.

YT rolls her eyes.

“You said we were cool, and you lied! If I wasn’t so attached to Beanie, I’d throw her out the window.”

She’s so fucking dramatic. I reach for Sadé, but YT twists.

“Stop playing, True.”

Her mouth bunches, and she goes to sit on the wicker chair with Sadé babbling in her arms.

“, that’s twice now you’ve called me that horrid name. Do you think that’s wise with your child in my arms?”

I cock my head to the side. If I was anyone else, her threats would be promises. But because it’s me, she’s just masking her hurt. We’ve never had a big tiff before, even when she singed off my eyebrows. It just wasn’t how we were brought up. We’re family, and it’s always us over them.

Which is why for the life of me, I can’t fathom her keeping Shaddy’s confidence over telling me.

“You don’t scare me. And the only reason I haven’t told Mom or Uncle Junior is I don’t want him coming down here pressing Shad.”

“I don’t get why you’re so hellbent on making me tell you something personal about him.”

I lick my lips, snatching my apron off me.

“I understand you don’t know what a regular relationship looks like, but the nigga you fucking with shouldn’t be confiding in another bitch over you. You don’t see how wrong that is, foreal?”

“So that’s your man now? You claiming him, ?”

I crack my knuckles one by one.

“Put my baby in her playpen so I can beat some fucking sense into you. I don’t know if you’re intentionally missing my point or if your psychosis is making you dumb as fuck, but you gone learn today.”

YT nods, and places Sadé in her playpen like I asked.

Then I blink and she has me up against the wall.

Her teeth are bared, her eyes shifting erratically between mine. Her forearm is across my neck, with her other hand gripping both my wrists to my belly.

She puts some of her weight on her forearm, stealing my breath. Her sneer turns into a grin, her eyes hooding as I struggle more and more.

“Oh, how easy it would be,”

she murmurs.

Once black spots start dotting my vision, she lets up, and I suck in a greedy breath, coughing everywhere.

“You’ve kept my secrets, yes? I mean, you had to, since my brothers haven’t said anything. And I know they’ve pressed you plenty of times over the years. And yet, they’ve never treated you less than. Even though you know they want to know what drove me to do what I did. But, you still don’t understand. You constantly disrespect me, and think you’re safe because you’re my godsister. Like I didn’t do in my own mama.”

She pushes her weight onto my neck once more before backing up two paces.

“You were there for me when I was freefalling into the abyss. You reminded me that I just needed one reason to get me through. And you kept that reason to yourself, allowing me to figure it out on my own. To tell my story on my own. And I paid it forward. I knew he means something to you, so I gave him the same advice you gave me and it worked. But just like you’ve kept my secrets, I’m going to keep his until he’s ready. Not because I’m putting him over you, but because I know that’s something you should hear from him.”

We don’t talk about the morning I found her in her garage. Those thirty minutes between trying to peel the wire from her neck and the police coming to arrest her, when she told me about her night, and what drove her to try to take her life. That was the first and last time we ever mentioned her paternity out loud. No one even knows I was there; she made me leave when the sirens got too close. She didn’t have to tell me to keep what she said to myself.

I wipe wayward tears off my face as we glare at each other.

“YT–”

She holds her hand up. A genuine smile breaks on her face, reaching her twinkling eyes.

“I’ve already forgiven you, Deeze. As long as you remember you’ve been going this hard because you love him, and lean into that.”

She goes and grabs a lethargic Sadé and sets her on her chest.

She comes and kisses my cheek, wiping the rest of the tear marks.

“I got Beanie tonight. Shaddy said you need to be dressed casual and ready by eight.”

She steps away, before turning back around.

“I almost forgot: if you ever try to cut me down because you’re upset with me again, I’ll pluck one of your pretty little eyes out and make the cutest necklace for Beanie with it. And I put that on Uncle Nardo.”

She gives me one of those creepy white people smiles with her shoulders high, before bouncing out the room with my baby.

I roll my eyes off instinct, trying to calm my breathing. I mean, I was a little reckless, but my eye.

“She’s playing,”

I mumble to myself, snatching my apron off the ground.

No she’s not, my inner voice snickers.

Casual meant I could break out my new flared aqua sweatsuit. The top is cropped, ending right under my titties. With the coke white forces, I look like a Cheetah Girl, but the color is fire on my skin tone.

I spray some leave in conditioner and water on my curly unit, add some small butterfly clips to the little ponytails in the front, spray some of my favorite perfume, and I’m ready for whatever.

When I make it down the stairs, I see Shaddy by the foyer. His black tee stretches over those broad shoulders and pecs. I zero in on the faint dick print going down his leg in his gray joggers, only averting my eyes when his tatted hand cups his crotch.

“Get yo mind out the gutter, Mace.”

His piercing stare holds me captive as he adjusts himself, making me smirk. I guess we both have that effect on each other.

“YT said casual. This cool?”

I do a little twirl, showing myself off. His teeth trap his bottom lip, showing off his grill. He grabs my hand and pulls me into his personal space. He grips my waist as he lifts my hand to his mouth, kissing my knuckles.

Plenty of niggas have done it. But something about Shaddy makes my heart skip, and my tummy feel funny.

“Ain’t nothing casual about you, shorty,”

he croons.

Jeez. My thong’s gonna be ruined before we even leave.

“C’mon. We’re gonna be late.”

He backs away, leaving me feeling cold without him, to grab his backpack off the bench.

But then he holds his hand out to me, and I don’t have to think twice before sliding mine into his, letting him lead the way.

“So where we going?”

I ask as we cruise through the Kenton streets. The sun just went down, so the sky is the most beautiful shade of purple. I take out my phone, trying to capture the dusk’s beauty, but it’s not working.

“You said I don’t let you in, so I’m letting you in.”

“We going to rob someone? I saw the all black forces.”

He smirks at me, eyes never leaving the road.

“You’d be down?”

“Sure. As long as you let me hold the gun.”

He pulls into the driveway of a two-story house and turns off the engine. He taps his fingers on the steering wheel a few times, I guess making up his mind about something.

Because then he just gets out, rounds the front, and opens the door for me. There’s a shy smile on his gorgeous face as he helps me out, and then he curves his bicep over my shoulder and leads me up the porch steps.

The purple-painted door swings open before we even get to it, revealing a girl who looks like she could be Annie all grown up. Pale skin covered in orange freckles, fire-engine red hair in big barrel curls. Her body is definitely one honed in the gym, her natural thin frame solid looking in her athletic set. She’s beaming at Shaddy, but when she shifts to me, surprise and pure joy take over her green eyes.

“Oh. My. God. Chase!”

she squeals behind her. When she turns back toward me, her smile is infectious, and I find myself shaking her outstretched hand.

“I’m Nat.”

“.”

She pulls me out of Shad’s arms into a hug. When she turns us around I bug my eyes at Shad, but he just hangs back, a full grin on his face.

A Hispanic looking dude dressed like a skater comes and daps up Shad, before turning to us and rolling his eyes.

“Nat, let the poor girl go.”

She releases me immediately, pulling me more into the house. The walls are covered in graffiti and murals of skaters and what I’m guessing is different parts of the city. There’s three other guys sitting on bean bags. One is lighting a bong, while the other two are playing video games on a projection screen.

“Guys! Guyssss!”

Nat goes and snatches the bong out of the guy’s hands. He cuts his eyes to her, pinching his brows.

Shad’s arm finds its way around my neck again. He whistles loudly, making everyone turn toward us.

“This is Mace. You’ve met Nat. That’s Chase, Jonesy, Wayne, and Cap.”

Chase pulls Nat into his lap before nodding at me. He takes off his skully and fluffs out his inky black hair. They look like an odd pair, but the love between them is evident.

Jonesy, Cap, and Wayne are all black. Jonesy adjusts his glasses and grins at me, a hint of dimple popping on his cheeks. “‘Sup?”

Wayne grabs his backpack off the couch, giving us both room.

“You sure you want her to see you scream like a girl?”

He smirks, cackling when Shad shoves him as we sit down.

Cap snatches his bong back from Nat, nodding at me before taking a rip. The gold stud in his nose reflects off the light as he pulls hard, coughing once before blowing it in Nat’s face, making her laugh.

“Nice to meet y’all.”

I wave to the room.

“No, it’s nice to meet you! Shad, why didn’t you bring Sadé?”

Nat folds her arms.

“Nah, Cap has been pissed he can’t smoke at the stu anymore. Now you’re trying to ban the devil’s lettuce from our movie nights?”

Jonesy clutches his imaginary pearls, making Chase snicker.

“Oh, Cap can go one night without smoking.”

Cap shoots her a glare before passing the bong to Chase.

“You can’t even go an hour without smoking.”

“So how did you meet Shad?”

Wayne asks me.

“Nutty’s girl Dal is her best friend,”

he answers for me.

“That’s wassup.”

“How did y’all meet Shaddy?”

I ask him, settling into Shad’s side.

Jonesy grins, leaning his head back.

“We had class together. Nigga thought he was a prodigy or something.”

The others chuckle while Shad flips him off.

“He came back to my dorm to study, imprinted himself on my friends and we’ve been boys ever since.”

“Hmm, sounds just like him.”

I cut my eyes to Shaddy, who just smirks at me.

“We all co-own the studio together,”

he reveals.

“Me and Cap produce. Wayne’s an engineer, and Chase is a videographer. Nat’s a noom.”

“Noom?”

“Non-musical. Some lame shit they made up,”

Nat rolls her eyes.

“I’m a pastry chef. What do you do?”

I rub my palms on my thighs and try to swallow the lump in my throat every time I try to tell someone I’m an artist.

Sensing my hesitation, Shad steps in.

“She’s an artist. I’ll send you the invite to her show next year.”

“That’s amazing! Cap did all the murals in our living room.”

I lean over Shaddy to see the guy brooding on the other side of the couch.

“They look really good.”

He turns his head toward me and narrows his eyes.

“You like that show, Side Pieces of Kenton?”

I snort trying to hold in my giggle as the rest of them snicker.

“Nah. I don’t like the show, or the bitches on it.”

Cap’s mug transforms into a Kool-Aid smile, showing off his gap. He nods a couple times, holding out his hand for me to slap and shake.

“Ah shit, she got Cap to smile. It’s a done deal now,”

Chase cackles.

As soon as the pizza gets here, Nat puts on the movie; Paranormal Activity. Just like I have book club, once a month, they all gather at Chase and Nat’s house and watch a scary movie, then get high as fuck and discuss it. Watching Shaddy interact with his college friends is interesting to say the least. He laughs more than I’ve ever thought possible, smiling bashfully when they tell me embarrassing stories of their time at KSU, and the early years of them establishing themselves in the industry.

You’d never know they were well-known. They don’t dress it or act it. They just seem like friends who love pizza, scary movies, weed, and music.

And knowing Shaddy feels more at home here than with his family makes me feel a way.

“Aight, Mace. What’s your favorite song? All-time favorite.”

Jonesy smirks. He’s the most talkative, right after Nat, and almost as mischievous as Cap.

“That’s hard as fuck,”

I complain.

“Don’t think, just say… 3, 2, 1!”

“So Elastic by Dom Kennedy,” I blurt.

“A classic,”

Cap mumbles.

“Yellow Album was that shit. I’m fucking with it,”

Chase agrees.

“Yeah, she’s a keeper, Shad. Don’t fuck it up.”

Nat points at him, trying and failing to be serious.

“Never that,”

he replies, pulling me closer to him before standing us up.

“We gone head out, though. Y’all don’t stay up too late.”

Wayne waves him off and grabs another slice of room temperature pizza. Nat stands to walk us out, hugging me again at the door. This time I’m ready for it, hugging her back.

“You’ll come to the next one, right? We need your opinions on Freddy Vs. Jason.”

Her green eyes implore me, and I know for sure she’s used to getting her way.

I look to Shaddy, whose eyes are already on me. He blinks slowly, before nodding and shifting his gaze to Nat.

“She’s here to stay.”

Nat’s smile could light up the city, and Chase gently pulls her back into the house. He daps Shad up, before giving me a side hug.

“Take care of my boy.”

I wrap my arm around Shad’s trim waist and wink.

“I got him.”

The silence between us is comfortable until we get back home. Once again he makes no move to get out, so I stay put. I’m learning it takes awhile for him to get his thoughts in order. Whether it’s a fear of messing up, or truly being confused, remains to be seen.

Finally, he turns toward me, face unreadable under the motion sensor light.

“I wanna be all in witchu, Mace. I need to know once I’m done tying up loose ends, that you’ll be mine.”

I lick my lips and rub my palms on my thighs again. “Shaddy–”

“You said I don’t let you in. I-I’m trying, Mace. That’s why I brought you around my homies. Yeah you know my brothers, but you don't know me outside of Foe Dub, so I wanted to show you.”

“And I had a great time. Your friends are funny as hell… but Shad, I don’t know you inside of Foe Dub, either. You think you’re telling me and showing me things about you, but it’s all fluff. And it’s not just me… you’re hiding from everyone. Hiding in plain sight.”

I grab his hands and bring them over to me, rubbing my thumbs across the backs of them. He focuses on the motion, jaw clenched so tight I know he’s about to crack a molar.

“You’re not protecting anyone. You’re pushing everyone away. Thank you for letting me see parts of you tonight. Seeing you so carefree made my heart full. But if we’re gonna be anything, you can’t only let me see the good. Trust me enough to show me the bad. Let me decide what I can and cannot handle, and trust me–and your family enough to help you carry the weight on your shoulders.”

He squeezes my hands before bringing them up to his mouth, kissing my knuckles.

“Ima try,”

he whispers into them. He discreetly wipes his face before hopping out, and I collapse onto the seat. Somehow, I feel like he just took ten steps back.