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Strong hands knead my titties, making me moan.

Since when are these dreams 4D?

Because it’s too damn early for me to be awake.

God, so much has happened in the last seventy-two hours. Mom is inconsolable, and I’m flying out this morning with Sadé and YC to see about her and the funeral. I bought a tentative ticket for Shaddy, just in case, but the way it took my baby hours to cry himself to sleep last night, I still don’t know.

I don’t think it’s hit me that Uncle Junior is gone. I don’t even know if it will, like how it’ll hit the others. Sometimes it’ll hit me that Mo is gone, and I’ll hug on Denver extra hard, or talk to Mom for a long while. Or watch a musical and cry a little then. And then I’ll write to him or work on my paintings. But that’s it. Once the activity is done, I feel better, and I go on about my day.

I keep waiting for this big blow up but I don’t think it’ll happen. Maybe my grief will transmute like it always has. Into something beautiful.

A soft kiss caresses my shoulder.

“Are you up?”

“Mhmm.”

I turn and see Shaddy already gazing at me. I can’t decide if he looks better or worse than he did last night. So much was purged from him, if only to make room for new trauma.

I can’t imagine having to kill your best friend. Even if the nigga was a snake this whole time.

There’s still speckles of good hidden underneath the bad. And my poor Shaddy, he’s the type to latch onto the little bit of good in people no matter what.

But all I can do is what I've been doing. Showing him I’m here, and he doesn’t have to be alone, even when he puts himself first.

And I think he’s finally getting it.

“There’s something I wanna play you. Both of you.”

He sits up, bringing me with him. When I look over, Sadé’s already sitting up, peering at us.

Her lips spread, showing those gums when Shaddy reaches for her. I’ll never get tired of seeing how much they love each other.

He settles her into his lap before grabbing my phone and unlocking it.

“I was counting on you never opening your email, and I was right. Who knows how many opportunities you’ve missed,”

he murmurs, shaking his head.

I kiss my teeth.

“That’s not my professional email. I answer those.”

He gives me a look that says yeah aight before opening an email I for sure would have never seen. There’s ten audio files in it, all numerically named except the eighth one, titled Muse.

“My next album is gonna be two sides. The B side is all R anyone who knows us would know he’s definitely talking about me, and is instantly my favorite.

God, who knew my tatted up computer nerd psycho gangsta could be so romantic?

My lip is trembling as the last notes of the last song end, and Sadé starts climbing over Shaddy’s legs to get to me. I pick her up, and her little chubby hands start trying to whack the tears away, making us laugh.

“Your daddy is the sweetest man in the universe, my girl,”

I whisper, giving her a kiss.

“You the best thing that has ever happened to me, Mace. I don’t know how you can call me on my shit while still being my safe space, but you do it. You changed my life, man. In my darkest days, your light keeps me from getting lost. You remind me to pour into myself, and make space for myself… you never let up on me. So I’ll never let up on you.”

“Oh, brother,”

I grumble. I know what that’s code for.

He smirks at me.

“Our shit ain’t perfect, but it’s ours. And in this life and the next, I got you.”

I shift my gaze to Shaddy, my favorite rapper, my favorite singer, my favorite man.

“I love you.”

His eyes soften immediately as he locks my phone and pushes it out of the way. He cups both sides of my face, bringing my lips to his.

“I love you, too,”

he mutters across them.

“We need our own place. The things I wanna do to you are downright unholy, and I don’t need any comments from the Peanut Gallery.”

Shad nods, giving me another heartstopping kiss.

“I’ll get on that as soon as we get back from Northupton. Maybe your mom would wanna move down here, too?”

See? This is why I love him. This nigga got me wanting to jump on a fucking couch and scream about it!

So fucking thoughtful.

I’m finna get him pregnant.

“C’mon, nasty ass. Before we miss our flight.”

He takes Sadé from me and starts getting her ready and reluctantly, I get up and move towards the bathroom.

Falling in love is a little bumpy, but it’s not so bad I guess. And as long as Shaddy’s by my side, I’m ready for the after part.