Page 31

I can’t stop my leg from shaking. I woke up this morning knowing it was going to be a bad day. I still have those sometimes. The antidepressants just help them not seem so world ending, but I still have bad days. Days where I wake up knowing most of my family is gone, and I can’t call my best friend. And I know it doesn’t help that today is my group session.

Set, Brina, and Nut all sit on the bigger couch against the wall in Dr. Bell’s office. Brina tries to give me a reassuring smile, but she’s just as nervous as they are.

Nut’s scowling at me.

“Why you summon us to yo session, Shad? These supposed to be private.”

“Rahshad has some things he needs to get off his chest. Now, you three are who he considers to be his support system, and as such, he requests you keep an open mind and really listen to him.”

Dr. Bell’s voice is soothing as she commands the room, and I actually see Nut melt into the couch.

Dr. Bell nods to me, and I clear my throat, before looking at Set.

Then Brina.

Finally, Nut.

“After my twenty-first birthday dinner, when Set went ghost… you told me I had to choose between you all and my family.”

“That’s not–”

“It is, P,”

Brina interrupts him. She looks at me, sympathy swimming in her eyes.

“We did. And you chose us.”

“This ain’t something we should be speaking about in mixed company,”

Nut grits, glancing at Dr. Bell before glaring at me.

Dr. Bell chuckles.

“Before I was Dr. Bell, I was Lady Deuce from Renny Block Crips. It’s not much you can tell me that I haven’t heard, seen, or experienced.”

Brina coughs to cover her laugh, while Set smirks at the good doctor.

“Go ahead, Rahshad.”

I bite the inside of my cheek, focusing back on Nut, who folds his arms.

“What I said still goes; I’ll always choose Foe Dub, even knowing none of my family is alive now. You’re my brothers, and my sis. And I know how much pain my family caused you, all of you… shit, me too. You guys have always tried to protect me more than anything, especially from them… but I think you forget they’re my family, too. And they’re dead. Everyone’s dead.”

My voice cracks and I push my thumb and index finger into my eyes to try to relieve the pressure.

“So we not family no more?”

Set rasps.

Rage flares in my chest as I lift my head to glare at him.

“You told me I was dead to you. You and Nut stopped fucking with me just ‘cause I was trying to hold y’all up, like I always do!”

I shift my gaze to Nut, the words I didn’t know how to express becoming more and more fluid as they slip out of my mouth.

“How many nights did we sit up and talk about any and everything? How many times you dropped Tati and Sean off in Hudsonville to spend the day with me? Tati came to both my grandparents’ funerals when neither of y’all did. You ain’t the only nigga who lost her! And yet when I try to help you, you treat me like a nigga off the street, shut me out for years. For what?! ‘Cause I cared?! Put my own grief to the side so you ain’t get lost in yours?!”

My voice gets louder and louder, my leg trembles, but I can’t stop it.

“My best bro died in my arms. You was there, you seen it. We both was scared out of our minds, trying to keep Tati alive long enough for the ambulance. And you still abandoned me off some hurt feelings!”

Nut averts his eyes and rubs his hand over his curls, while I switch to Set. Unlike Nut’s scowl and Brina’s pity, Set’s face is entirely blank as he peers at me.

“You told me no matter what I’d always be your brother. Then the second you think I went against you, that ended. You left me out to dry, didn’t even give me a chance to explain. All the shit we been through, you’d really think I’d choose up over you, my brother? I turned my back on my entire family for you. You think I wanted to do that? You think it was easy? They’d never done anything but love me, but because they hated you, I shaded off. Cremated my own pops and never picked his ass up because of how he did you and B. Kept you alive when you decided to try some shit you had no business trying… for you to cut me off without even giving me the benefit of the doubt.”

“But we past that, w-we good–”

“We not fucking good, Nut! We ain’t past shit! You remember what you said when you found out my mama died? Huh?”

He cringes, no doubt remembering how callous he was in saying we should hit up Paradise to celebrate.

“That’s still my mama, bro. She birthed me, and gave me some good years. And she’s gone. Her, and R-Raya.”

I choke on my sister's name, and Brina’s up in an instant, holding me.

“Y’all trivialize how I feel because I wasn’t in the Birch surviving off handouts. But I been drowning for a long fucking time, a-and, I couldn’t do this shit no more. I almost gave up. I couldn’t do it no more. I couldn’t keep feeling so tired and alone anymore.”

Brina holds me tighter as I break down. I’ve cried so much over these past few months, most of the time in my private sessions with Dr. Bell. And the weight of it all never decreases by much. It never feels like an avalanche. Only a single snowball.

But I gotta keep releasing it. And taking my meds. And conquering my triggers. And unfortunately, my family is a fucking trigger. Especially these three.

“Shad.”

I wipe my face and look at Nut. Gone is his usual scowl, replaced by something akin to humility.

“I, uh, I know you lost Tati, too, bro. You were her little brother, shit, our firstborn,”

he chuckles, before clearing his throat.

“I, well, we know you don’t be regular sad. You ain’t ever come out and say it, and we didn’t either, but we know you got some shit going on, and that’s why we try to keep you leveled. But I guess, well, we got so wrapped up in our shit, we ended up fucking you up even more.”

“You didn’t–”

“We did, Shad,”

Brina interrupts.

“All of us. We did. We fucked up, and we all shut you out, and left you alone, when that’s not okay. I thought if you needed me, you’d hit me, not even realizing I was distancing myself from you when I was with Sincere. And I’m sorry for that.”

“Me too,”

Nut adds.

“I’m sorry for not fucking witchu, and for not checking in when we got back cool. And for saying that dumb shit about Candy. Regardless of the past, you’re gonna and should be able to mourn your family, including Bishop.”

Dr. Bell clears her throat.

“I’m afraid we’re just about out of time… Rahshad, is there anything you want to say?”

I shake my head since I’m still trying to taper off the tears.

Dr. Bell smiles before rubbing her hands together.

“Okay. I think there’s been a lot said, and that’s the first step for you guys to move forward, and the next step in Rahshad’s healing. If he wants, we can have another group session later, but the avenues of communication are open again, which was the goal of this session.”

We all stand, and they thank her before walking out. I nod when she asks me if I’ll see her in a week, since we’re going from twice a week to once a week, and walk out of her building to the parking lot.

Nut engulfs me in a hug, nearly scaring the shit out of me.

“Are you good?”

he chokes out.

Around strangers, he’ll always be hardbody. But I knew he was holding back tears, because the nigga cries seeing other people cry.

“I’m good, Nut.”

“Aight,”

he sniffles, before putting me in a headlock.

“Next time come to me, muthafucka.”

I choke out a laugh when he pushes me away.

“B, take Shad’s jeep. He’s gone roll with me.”

B glances at Set and nods before coming toward me. I give her my keys, and she hugs me one more time.

“I love you, Shad,”

she whispers into my shoulder.

“I love you too, B.”

She nods, before walking to my jeep. I follow Set to his Audi and get in the passenger side. He doesn’t pull off until Brina does, but turns right after Brina and Nut turn left.

I can’t help but look over at his right hand as he drives. His ring and pinky fingers don’t curve over the steering wheel as much as the other three, and after a while he switches to his left hand.

“How’s physical therapy?”

“It’s straight,”

he replies.

“They saying it’s better than they thought it would be. One of the bitches call herself liking me until B came one morning and pressed the fuck out of her. I got switched to this stud the next time.”

I chuckle, shaking my head.

“Y’all both crazy.”

Set scoffs.

“Yo ass was just with me snatching Mace out the club. Safe to say you just as crazy as me, too, Dub.”

Shit, when the nigga’s right, he’s right.

Soon, we’re parked behind the Center and I follow him across the courts to the bleachers closest to the buildings. We take a seat at the top, overlooking everything. It’s early afternoon, so it’s only young niggas around playing a game and hanging out. Once school’s out, it’ll be way more kids around, and the ice cream truck will come, too. If we’re around, we usually buy it out for everyone, but we haven’t been this way in awhile, not on the courts at least.

“A little over fifteen years ago,”

Set begins.

“the nigga who I thought was my Pops told me my lil brother was finna start spending weekends with us. Then I see you, scrawny, green ass nigga with lil cockroaches coming out his head and fucking glasses.”

He chuckles, before pulling a blunt capsule and lighter out his pocket. He takes a wood out of the capsule and lights it, inhaling deep.

After he blows smoke away from us, he says.

“I was already annoyed I was finna have to protect you from getting yo ass beat…until you laid out niggas twice yo size ‘cause they was bullying a bitch ass nigga. Wouldn’t stop until I grabbed you up. I knew then you had a heart too good for this world, and then I knew I really had to protect you and made sure your heart stayed pure. Every time you had to pull the shotty out, every time you fought someone, or did some shit with Sean, I was scared that would be the thing that would taint you. Then all that shit happened with B and I stopped checking on you. Then she hooked up with Sincere and I turned my back on you, something I told myself and you I would never do.”

He hits his wood one more time before passing it to me.

“I said some crazy shit to you, Shad. Shit I would have murked you over if it was switched. And I thought ‘cause we’re brothers, we could just move forward without addressing it, but I’m seeing it’s not the case. So foreal, Shaddy, I’m sorry. You my brother, no matter what you do or say. You could lay me out and you still my brother. And you don’t gotta hide you’re in pain. Quiet as it's kept, I miss Bishop’s ass too.”

I choke on some smoke, not expecting that. “Yeah?”

He snatches the wood from me.

“Yeah. I mean, he a bitch nigga, but I thought he was my pops for twenty-three years. Hella memories gone, ‘cause he went out sad over Tiny’s ass. But I’m still human, and before all that, he was decent. Shit, he brought us together.”

His heavy ass hand slaps my back, before he grabs my shoulder and brings me closer to him into a side hug.

“You not alone, bro. I’m not going anywhere, and neither are you if I can help it. So if you need me, no matter the time, you call me. I’ll come running like I always have.”

Nigga keeps me in a semi headlock as we watch over the courts. And right there, by where we first bonded, I accept his promise and know he means it.

Almost everyone’s seated around Nut’s formal dining room table, with me at the head; Set, B, Nut, Dal, Reem, Rico, Ty, and Mace. YP and YC take up the chairs in the opposite corners, with YT leaning on YP’s shoulder.

I glance at Mace, and she gives me a quick smile.

“Aight, so… I’ve always, I don’t know, had these sad spells, even as a young shorty. But my OG was adamant about me never going to see someone about it. Then, you know, shit been building and building, and I, uh, I couldn’t handle it.”

I scratch the back of my neck, not keeping my eyes on one person for too long.

“I even started setting shit up for when I wouldn’t be here. But then, I had a breakthrough, and enrolled myself in a treatment program, where I got diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I’m on an antidepressant now, and it don’t take all my shit away, but it does level me out, and make it manageable with therapy and recognizing and avoiding triggers. So yeah, that’s where I was.”

Macy reaches over and grabs my hand with both of hers. I lift them up and kiss her knuckles like I find myself doing more often.

“Anything you need from us?”

Reem asks.

I lick my lips.

“Nah. Just y’all being here for me, that’s enough. I still have my days, but therapy’s helping.”

“Go figure,”

Wyn says, breezing in. Autumn, Turk, and Pay come in after her, with the girls coming to hug me and kiss all over my face like I’m their firstborn.

Turk takes the empty seat next to Set and pulls Autumn into his lap. Set whispers to them, and they both look toward me. Pay and Wyn lean against the wall.

Wyn grins at me.

“Finally made good on your promise huh?”

“Yeah, so it’s on you, now.”

She rolls her eyes but can’t get rid of her smile. This is something we talked about for a long time. Long nights in the studio bonded us, grinding for a way out of the bullshit in our heads, and thinking money and fame was the way.

“Your antidepressants… you think they work?”

Auty asks. Turk tightens his hold on her waist, as she peers at me almost hopefully.

“I do, Auty. I mean, they won’t make Raya come back, but it makes the depressive episodes easier to deal with. That, and exercising.”

Her lips twitch as she nods.

“I’ll hit you,”

she mouths to me. If anyone understands how I feel on the daily, it’s her, so I’m not surprised she has questions.

“You good to go for tonight?”

I look to Rico and nod.

“Yeah. It’ll be you, me, YT, and YP. Mekhi and The Collective will meet up with us there. Sincere’s given them the drop on us, but if we bust up they shit, they’ll be too unstable to help him and it’ll draw his ass out.”

“I know you know where he is. Why not just go get him?” Ty asks.

I sigh.

“‘Cause he’s been holed up with Sahara.”

Choruses of aw hell naws and hard booty bitches ring out, with Nut leading the pack.

I keep my eyes on Ty, who’s fists are clenched on the table.

“I’m not tryna do that to Van, so I’m tryna smoke him out. But you know how Sahara is. She too far gone, facilitating meetings between the Mathers brothers and Sincere and shit… telling her to jump ship is lowkey out of the question.”

Ty curses to himself before scrubbing his face.

“Fasho, Dub.”

“Aight. Reem and YC will be our backup. Turk will make sure there are no hitchhikers.”

I cut my eyes to Mace, who holds her hands up.

“Nah, I seen your lil group chat about trying to help YT avenge some shit about her old nigga with B and Dal.”

“Choc!”

“You tripping, B.”

“Old nigga?”

Reem turns all the way around to YT, who slaps her hand on her face.

Mace rolls her eyes.

“You love invading someone’s privacy. Me and YT have ran a mission before. I held my own, right?”

YT grins and winks at Mace.

“Screaming every time you let that thang go isn’t holding your own, Deeze. It’s no if Shaddy says no.”

“And Nutty. Choc, you wanna be back on punishment again?”

Turk kisses Autumn’s shoulder before smirking at me.

“I’ll hold it down here.”

“Fasho. This shit’s out in the desert, so let's get a move on.”

Everybody stands and starts shuffling out the room. The Triplets, Rico, Reem and I are meeting at the Triplet’s place, since it’s closest to a freeway. I’m already knowing Turk, Set, and Nut are gonna all bring the girls and the babies to Set’s crib to wait for our word.

Macy pulls me into a corner. She interlocks our fingers and spreads her lips into the most beautiful smile.

“You actually be listening to me.”

My lips twitch at her smug ass.

“I be trying to.”

“Be safe okay? Come back to us.”

I pull her into me, kissing her forehead before resting my chin on top of her.

“I will, shorty.”