Page 14

Kerrington

I stayed out on the balcony long enough for my balls to freeze last night. Landon never came out with me, which is unusual, but not completely surprising. I don’t know how to tell him what I feel, and I’m scared to death I’m fucking all of this up because I can’t communicate properly.

But how do I explain to the man I love that I’m also in love with a woman? How do I tell him I’ve felt inferior my whole life and that he’s the only person who makes me feel worthy of love and that I want to share that love with another person who isn’t him? How do I admit that I need them both when I don’t deserve either?

It’s obvious he cares for her too, but it’s foolish to believe we can have a life together, all three of us, because Nicole would never go for it. She said it herself; she was embarrassed. She’d let herself go that night. As if being her authentic self is some kind of crime?

It hurt like hell to hear her say that, but I get it. She’s from a different life, and her family is always in some kind of spotlight. The press would likely eat her alive for having two men at her beck and call. Society is unkind about anything outside of what they deem “the norm.”

Besides, Nicole’s not in this for the long ride. She’s giving us one week.

One. Motherfucking. Week.

I want forever.

Lying next to her in bed, with Landon on her other side, I watch the two of them sleep. The sunrise filters pale-yellow light into our room, making Landon’s sun kissed skin even more golden. I memorize every slope and crest of their two bodies entwined. When I reach their faces, I see Landon staring at me.

“I love you too,” he says in a soft, sleepy voice.

My heart stops beating.

“Always have, Kerr. Always will.” He wraps his arm around Nicole’s middle and kisses her shoulder. “She changes nothing.”

She changes everything . Why can’t he see that?

“I can’t let her go,” I say against my better judgment. Having this discussion at the ass crack of dawn is not the way it should be done. But I’ve wasted too much time stewing in my madness to let it continue for another minute.

“I can’t either,” he says, shocking me.

My hand trembles when I place it over his. I don’t know why I feel this fucking weak and scared. But the two people who own my heart and soul are in this bed with me and I cannot stand the idea of us not being together for the rest of our lives. “These past six months have been…”

“Hard without her.”

I nod. “But she doesn’t take your place, Lan. She never could.”

“I know that.” He flashes me a tired smile. It’s cautious and guarded. I hate it.

“I mean it.” Crawling carefully around Nicole, I straddle Landon and pin his hands above his head. “I cannot lose you and she is not a replacement.”

He swallows hard and stares at me. “Is she the reason you’ve been so distant with me lately?”

“Maybe.” I’m not even sure. I just know that the minute I saw her again, I felt connected to this other part of me I’ve missed. “Is she the reason you’ve been so difficult lately?”

“Maybe.”

“Are you in love with her?”

He stills under me. I glance over to see Nicole’s still knocked out. Her mouth is parted slightly, and her breaths are deep and even. Good. I’m glad she’s found peace and safety between us and can catch up on her rest. That’s how it should always be.

I bring my attention back to Landon and cock my brow, waiting for his admission.

He nods, the vein in his throat pulsing rapidly.

“I’m in love with her too,” I finally admit out loud. Guilt assaults me and I pull away, needing fresh air again. Leaving them in bed, I yank the balcony door open and am smacked with freezing cold temperatures and the whirr of traffic below.

At least I’m not naked anymore.

Landon’s warm hand runs along my spine, and I close my eyes, inwardly cringing. “You don’t have to pick, Kerr.”

“Why does it feel like I do?”

“Because you’re an idiot.”

That makes me laugh a little. “Landon, I don’t know why this is so hard. All my feelings… all my thoughts…” I grab the back of his neck and press our foreheads together. “You consume me.”

“And so does she.”

My stomach twists because he’s right.

“It’s okay to want more than me, Kerr.”

I don’t want it. I need it. And that’s not something I’ll ever say out loud. It’ll hurt him. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Why would you say some shit like that?”

“Because you should have someone who matches your energy. Gives you everything you’ve ever wanted. Shows you every day that you mean the world to them.”

“And that’s not you?” He steps away from me as if I’ve hit him.

“I’m not good at this stuff. I should show you how I feel all the time.”

“You groped my dick at the sex shop. I mean, honestly, if we’re going for gold here, you win.”

“That’s not the same and you know it.” He’s making light of this because he’s scared. I am too. “How long?”

“How long what?”

“Have you been in love with Nicole?” I turn to look at him again, holding my breath.

He shrugs with his hands out. “Since college graduation.”

My god, we’re both fucking idiots. “I think I fell in love with her that night we played poker and she had you stripped naked and handing over your Rolex.”

“Ahh, junior year then. Wow.” Landon drops into a chair and scrubs his face. “So, we’ve been pining over the same fucking woman for a long goddamn time.”

“Guess so.”

“I always kind of knew, you know.” He blows out a long sigh. “That you had feelings for her.”

My heart does this horrible blur-blub thing that makes me queasy. “How so?”

“The way you always look at her.” Landon’s gaze lifts to mine, arresting me. “It’s the same way you look at me.”

Fuuuuck.

Silence falls like snow around us. The sun rises higher, bouncing light everywhere.

“We’re not going to let her go this time,” he announces. “We’re keeping her.”

“She’s not a rescue animal, Lan.”

“No. She’s our Duchess.”

“She has a life to get back to. One that she’s cut us out of, I might add.”

“Then we build her a new one with us. Show her how amazing it is to be loved by two men at the same time.”

“She doesn’t want love. She wants to be fucked into another timeline.”

“Well, we can do that too.” Landon stands up like it’s a done deal. “She’s not leaving us again, Kerrington.”

“We don’t have a say in it.”

“She loves us too.”

Now he’s certifiable. “Landon. You’re reaching.” And I hate the way my heart swells, hoping he’s possibly right.

“She came here for us.”

“She went to Mason.”

“Because she knew we were going there to see him.”

“If she wanted us, she’d have called or showed up at our doorstep, not his.”

“He’s her safe space,” Landon reminds me. “Even when they want to kill one another, they’ve always been there for each other. That gala showed how deep their love is.”

And how fucked up their families are .

Mason and Nicole’s prearranged marriage was a huge reason I never touched Nicole until that night. I don’t know what I would have done if they’d gone through with the nuptials. I’d have a miserable best friend married to the woman I don’t think I can live without.

And Landon would suffer in silence the whole time, too, putting on a brave face and keeping his true feelings about her hidden from me for the rest of our lives.

Is that the same as living a lie, or is it living half a life?

I squeeze my eyes shut and let that sink in. “What do we have to do to keep her?”

“Well, we can either make her fall madly in love with both of us, or, hear me out, we can chain her up in the basement. I’m cool with either.”

“We don’t have a basement.” A laugh bubbles out of me because, oh my god, this motherfucker is deranged in the best of ways. “How about we start with that collar and short leash?”

“Give her what she wants, so she sees what she’ll be missing if she walks away again.”

“Precisely.”

“And if that doesn’t work?”

“I’ll buy duct tape, two masks, some rope…. and a house with a goddamn basement.”

“Atta boy.” Landon pats me on the back and swings the door open, ushering me inside. “Hey.”

“Hmmm?” I turn to him again with this stabbing pain in my chest.

“You deserve me,” he says, kissing my forehead. “And you deserve her, too.”

With that, Landon walks away and leaves me with my heart splattered on the floor.