Page 42 of Bonding Beasts (Bonding: The Ultimate Guide #3)

The male with the dead eyes that saw nothing. He never spoke, not once. He’s handsome in the picture, smiling, but I can’t see it because I remember the bruises and blood. His grim lips tightly clamped shut so he wouldn’t scream.

His room was right across from mine, and they always left the door open when they went in to get samples or ‘test’ him. When he passed, I felt so guilty for how relieved I was that his cell was empty. I hoped they would never fill it again, but they did. Over and over.

Another name and another. I don’t recognize these two, but both are stamped as deceased. Their subject names are B34TR1B01 and B34TRB07 .

How many of us were there? How many people went through this before I even got there? My hands are filled with file folders, some with several pages, some with one sheet. All deceased, whether they met me or not.

The berserker. I had his memory tucked so far in the back of my mind I didn’t even think of him until Leng brought him out. Subject B34TRC9. No picture.

I was never allowed near him. I was kept outside his cell door if I had to heal him. I just remember his insane red eyes as he roared in rage. His name is Aodhan Byrne. There’s no harsh stamp over his file.

Of course not. He got out. He killed every scientist there that day. He left me there because he thought I was a monster like the other subjects.

Another memory flickers up, and my heart squeezes with pain.

The green-skinned male. He stopped at the door and watched me struggle to breathe through the blood. He’s the one who said what they were all thinking as they left.

“You deserve worse torment than this for all you’ve done. I hope you rot here for eternity.”

The next file is over an inch thick, and nausea wells up. Even though my mouth is as dry as the dirt outside, I keep swallowing.

When I open it, my youthful face stares back at me with hollow eyes, and there it all is. Typed up in emotionless block letters.

My name is Astrid Benucci. I had no idea. I thought my name was my subject number. I’m such an idiot.

Each page lists my ability to heal and what kind of damage, broken bone, muscle sprain, burn scarring. I don’t even remember most of this .

The amount of energy I used up before I passed out. How long I slept. The first person I helped die. It’s even dated and timed. How thoughtful.

They don’t use any names in my file, just subject numbers as a reference. Can’t have us being actual people, after all.

After the death, it’s listed that I was no longer a pure subject, whatever the fuck that means, and I would be terminated. Bullet to the head. It's funny how I forgot that one. I thought you were supposed to remember all your firsts.

The following entry is about my miraculous resurrection. More healing without problems, then oops, another one died. So I did, too.

On and on.

The file starts filling up with all the subjects I let die. And the punishments get more severe as if dying wasn’t enough. Before long, there isn’t anything about healing. It becomes about testing my ability to adapt. Hydrochloric acid IVs. Who comes up with that? Exposure to mustard gas ?

I wonder if the person who typed this up felt anything when they did it. Disgust? Anything at all?

I flip it closed halfway through. I don’t need to read this. I lived it.

I sit rocking and listening to the high-pitched whine coming out of me, and I can’t stop it. Is this what it’s like when Ben lets out those sounds? Just out of-control craziness? My see-saw is stuck.

I’m clutching the folders to my chest. I can’t find it in me to go through the rest. I only want to look at the red folder right now. The Old Man always put things in red folders when he didn’t want me snooping.

“Beatrice.”

The sound cuts out of my throat at Mitri’s emotionless voice.

Why? I want to scream it at him. Fuck’s sake, I haven’t told anyone anything that I learned about him.

I should have blabbed. I should have bought a megaphone and stood on top of that stupid Other bank screaming it.

While I was protecting his secrets, he was digging mine up and letting everyone see the bare bones in my coffin.

So they can judge me, just like that green-skinned male. They can all see that I’m a monster.

“Two steps ahead,” I mutter it out loud. “You always have to be two steps ahead, don’t you. Trying to dig up all my skeletons. To see if I’m a monster still?”

I turn my head to see him over my shoulder.

Everyone is standing frozen at the table like I paused time somehow.

Only Kimi is still sitting with that stupid blank expression.

His head is still tilted to the side as he studies me.

I meet Mitri’s eyes and ignore the fire inside them.

Oh, look, it has emotions now. How cute.

“Is that it? Were you going to shoot me in the head? Pro tip, that doesn’t work. Do you need a list of the shit I come back from? It’s right here,” I hold the heavy file up in one hand, watching it shake as if I’m in the middle of an earthquake for a second. Guess I’m not okay.

“You know what? It doesn’t even matter.

You want to know if I’m a monster? The answer is yes.

I would have told you that if you’d asked.

Do I deserve to live? Not one bit. But none of you get to kill me until I’m done.

Do you understand me? I’m going to find those people, and I’m going to pray to whoever will listen that they aren’t in a place like this .

Guess you better read up so you can invent some new ideas about killing me. ”

I’m shouting at him, my face burning with rage and pain, but my eyes are dry. I’m all cried out right now. Maybe the ocean I shed in the Bowels emptied me out.

I thought my memories had returned to me in the nightmare realm Ben was hiding in. Boy, was I wrong. Now I have a convenient diary to check in with to dredge it all back up in technicolor.

I throw the folder at him, but I’m shaking so hard that I miss and hit Kimi squarely in the face. The file bounces off and plops down on the table in front of him, open like he just looked up from reading it to pay attention to me. He isn’t even shocked. He just rolls with it.

“We’ll work on your aim, wifey. It’s ok,” he says in a deadened tone.

I start screaming and laughing and throwing folders at Mitri, finally hitting him in the chest and face. I don’t stop until the red folder comes into sight, clenched in my fingers.

My insane noises stop. No, I’m keeping this one. He doesn’t get this one from me.

I open it, and there are a lot of pages with pictures taped to them and handwritten notes. The Old Man’s writing.

He stalked them, hunted them down, and killed them. Some doctors and nurses I know, others I’ve never seen before. Many of them died during the escape, and it’s noted on the side of each picture in his careful block letters. He hated writing in cursive.

There’s a giant red X over the images of the dead ones with notes on how he planned to kill them.

Going through their days like normal, then bam, faulty brakes in the car.

Or a lab explosion during a late-night experiment at the Professor’s day job at the college. When did he have time for all of this?

Fishing trips. His damn fishing trips ! He always left me alone to go on them! My dumb ass never noticed he didn’t bring back any fish. Kimi is going to love that. Guess he had no clue how alike they are… were.

The Old Man didn’t hate me. Fuck, that hurts more than anything else. All the bickering and back talk. And now all I want to do is look him in the eyes and say your service, I love you, please don’t leave me alone.

I turn the page and freeze. My eyes roll back, and bile rises up in an unstoppable tide.

“You’re just not old enough to really play with yet. A few more years, and I’ll be back for you. Don’t cry.”

I can hear his voice as if he was standing at my ear again, and my body convulses with a shiver. The difference in my age then and now brings those words home to me in an all-new light.

I make it to one of the bathrooms just in time to lose everything I’ve eaten. Even when there’s nothing left, I continue to heave uncontrollably. It won’t stop. The strain finally brings tears to my eyes, burning down my cheeks.

I try to catch my breath and hang my head when it's done. I can hear Ben baying somewhere out there and the sound of wood breaking, Mal’s roar, the slam of a door, and glass breaking.

It’s ok. Ben can take care of himself. He takes care of everything. I don’t have to go out there and break it up or heal people. I can just stay right here.

After I flush the toilet. Brush my teeth. Stupid mundane shit like that.

I remember him especially. He was always grinning while they tortured me. Like it was the best day ever. He’s the reason I stopped speaking. He was always listening because even when he wasn’t there, he could tell if you talked about him. He liked it when you spoke about him.

The thing is, there was no red X. I saw him torn to pieces right in front of me.

All of the other scientists that were there that day had Xs. He should have one, too. Knowing he wasn't out there was the only reason I ever got to sleep at night. I saw it. So, why wasn’t there a fucking red X ?

I crawl to the sink after I flush the toilet. There isn’t a toothbrush or anything in this bathroom. I guess I just violated someone else’s sleeping spot. Oops.

I make do rinsing my mouth out several times, gargling. Anything to make me feel clean in any way I can. I feel like I just crawled out of the Bowels again.

I’ll go to Ben’s bathroom for my toothbrush in a minute. I’m too tired to go right now.

The silence around me is broken by sobbing, and I frown. I touch my cheeks, but there’s nothing there after I rinsed my face off and dried it with my shirt.