Page 12 of Bonding Beasts (Bonding: The Ultimate Guide #3)

Then an avalanche of burning pain follows that causes my body to spasm and my head jerks back. I choke as it pierces through me, and I clutch Mitri and Ben’s thighs in a death grip.

“Stop! What did you do? Make it stop!”

Peacemaker: “Shit! Just breathe, try to relax!”

“ Try to relax ? You’re not melting from the inside asshole!”

Peacemaker: “If you fight it, it will get worse.”

“Chto ty sdelal, Mirotvorets?”

I can’t focus enough to push the pain down like usual. It’s amplified and coming from everywhere around me. Where’s that passenger seat when I need it, and why did I try living without it again?

“Dyshi, devochka!”

I gasp in a deep breath and begin coughing as I lean forward, bracing my hands on the dashboard .

I can faintly hear Ben snarling to my left, and Mitri has grabbed my arm in a vice grip that I barely feel over the burning.

I tune them both out to check what’s happening. I open my eyes and look at my chest.

A glowing line with three shades of green braided together leads from my chest to Mitri’s and down to each gun.

“What have you done, Sparky?”

It’s snuggled in the center of my chest, just under my breastbone. I notice the green line isn’t the only one and begin to feel dizzy.

There’s a delicate golden chain leading outside of the car that’s tarnished green in places. A tiny black brick pathway also leads straight to Ben’s chest.

“Dyshat?!”

I take another breath and hold it as I turn to see where the gold chain goes. Please, no. Please. It’s connected to a laughing Kimi as he musses Mal’s hair from the back seat, pushing the mohawk into his eyes. He gets slapped in the face with the bone of a wing for his trouble.

“No, no, no. Please tell me you haven’t connected me to people who want to kill me! What are you thinking ?”

Mal’s head tilts as he stares at me and holds his palms up as if asking, “What?”

Ben exits the car and paces to Mal’s side, leaning down to talk to him while I’m stuck gaping.

Shit, Ben can’t order food, or the people inside will freak out. I forgot. I had one job here.

“Forty meat burritos, just meat!” I scream out. Ben’s head jerks up, and he hurries to get back into the car.

I fade out after that, fully invested in keeping my mental seesaw stable .

“Stay sane. Ride it out. You’ve had worse. Just stop being a whiney bitch and suck it up.”

I’m talking to myself. Great.

Two hands grip my cheeks and force my head towards Ben.

“Talk to me,” Ben’s eyes have gone cloudy and dark again. His voice is the dangerous echo he’s been getting too often lately.

My mouth opens and closes a few times, but I have no idea what to say. I don’t understand what’s happening here, and it’s scaring the piss out of me, almost literally. The spark seems to have no regrets. It’s preening and building a nest out of all the mess it’s created inside me.

Peacemaker: “It’s okay. Just relax and breathe.”

“Neuzheli eta shtuka svyazala nas vsekh?”

“ Who the fuck is that?!”

“Vendetta, be silent.” That voice… it’s Mitri’s . And it’s inside my head.

“Oh no. What the fuck did you do, Sparky?! ”

The spark flares up and runs up and down the braid leading to Mitri.

“You. Little. Bitch. You bound us all together? Are you fucking insane???”

“Ona pulna yarosti. Mne etonravitsya”

“Whoever you are, shut the fuck up!”

“Enough,” Mitri’s cold tones wipe the other voices out. It’s confusing because I’m staring at Ben and hearing Mitri.

“Bees,” Ben demands my attention again. “What is scaring you?”

“Madam? Does that complete your order?” a tinny voice comes through the speaker behind him, and Ben snarls.

A car horn honks at us, and I roll my eyes to watch Mal open his door and stomp to the vehicle. Ben tilts my head back before I can witness the rage meltdown happening, but I hear the tires squeal as whoever dared to honk leaves.

I firmly grip my fear, push it back to a manageable level, and swallow hard. “I think the spark fucked up.”

My voice is so shaky that I don’t know if he can understand me.

“Ok,” he grumbles, stroking my cheekbones with his thumbs. “It never does anything to hurt you.”

“It’s dumb as a brick, though,” I wail out and begin crying uncontrollably.

Peacemaker: “It’s going to be ok. Stop fighting it and it will stop hurting. Just let it go.”

Mitri’s voice comes hushed in that strange language. “My zvyazany. Vse my.”

I crawl into Ben’s lap and tuck my head under his chin. It’s the only safe place I have when I feel weak. I’m so damn tired of being weak!

Peacemaker: “Let.It.Go!”

I feel the car moving and Ben’s leg shifting underneath me as he presses the gas and the brake.

I don’t untangle myself as he hands money to the confused cashier and grabs the food.

I guess he gives the bags to Mitri because he puts one hand on my back and the other on the wheel and peels away from the restaurant.

We drive for an undetermined length of time as I try to relax into the invasive feeling of having everything I’m thinking and feeling on display. It’s like being back in the labs where anyone can see through the plexiglass to gawk at me.The seesaw tilts.

No, I’m not thinking about that shit now.

I shove those thoughts away and focus on my breathing. It feels like my heart is being held under a blowtorch. Fuck, if it’s this bad for me, how does it feel to Mitri? Or Ben? Why can’t I hear Ben ?

I unthinkingly fumble around until I reach Mitri’s hand and grip it tightly.

“I’m so sorry,” I say in a shaky, choked voice.

Mitri has his own bullshit to deal with. The last thing he needs is my crazy. I need to figure out how to close this off.

“Nyet,” Mitri’s voice snaps angrily, making me wince. “Do not close it. Simply make it background noise.”

I get a mental picture of the braid being packed with cotton on his side, and the guns quickly follow suit, adding a blanket and mist. Once they’re finished, the invasive feeling disappears. The spark is not happy about it at all.

Peacemaker: “You should be able to hear us but not feel us now.”

“Yeah. The pain has begun to numb out, too.” Maybe it’s done now?

The spark runs up the braid and snags in the mist, trying to find a way around it.

“Don’t you dare, Sparky.” I warn it.

“Settle,” Mitri says in a cold and firm voice. The spark rears back and stays in place, looking like it’s listening to him.

“Well fuck, you listen to him and not me ?” What a bitch.

Two male voices begin laughing, and it’s so synchronized it reminds me of Ben’s dual tone.

I lean back and open my eyes. Ben is settled in his seat with his eyes closed as if he’s taking a nap. He’s crooning under his breath like he did back in the Bowels, which further relaxes me.

I try to brush off all the nonsense words in my head. A look around me tells me we’ve stopped in a park, and Mal stands outside the driver’s side door, looking in with concern .

I look over at Mitri, and he stares right back at me with narrowed eyes.

“What is happening? I need someone to explain right now,” I demand. I’m inside a car with the only two people willing to explain anything to me.

“What’s going on?” Ben asks and opens his eyes to focus on me.

“Something inside of her created a bond between us,” Mitri explains calmly. If I’m not mistaken, he sounds slightly smug or pleased, which makes no sense.

Ben releases a deep breath and says, “That’s all? Sparky has a mind of its own. I’m not surprised.”

“Excuse me?” I shriek in his face and instantly feel bad as he winces. “Sorry.”

“You’re close to him,” he gestures between Mitri and me. “You trust him, at least a little. If you didn’t, he wouldn’t be in this car. You would have knocked him out in the driveway or turned him into putty, not sit next to him or harass him.”

I’m following what he’s saying but disagreeing at the same time. I’m not supposed to build any kind of attachments. Rule three. I guess the spark didn’t get the memo.

Peacemaker: “What memo?”

I won’t have any secrets now. How can I hide like this?

Ben continues speaking when I don’t respond, smoothing his hands up and down my back. “I know how the Old Man raised you, but this is different, okay? You have a direct line to him that will tell you if his intentions aren’t good.”

“If anyone would know how to manipulate that, it would be this fossil,” I glare at Mitri as if this is his fault.

He raises an eyebrow. “I may be able to control my side of the bond due to experience with my weapons. I do not wish you harm, zhena. ”

“How do I believe that, Mitri? You may not want to harm me now, but it’s because you have a use for me. What happens when that usefulness ends?”

“Your usefulness to me will never end, zhena.”

“I don’t believe you,” I eye him with mistrust. “And stop calling me names!”

He rolls one shoulder, unperturbed. “I have time to convince you.”

“Is he talking to you mentally?” Ben asks with surprise.

“Yeah,” I turn back to Ben. Mal is now impatiently knocking on the window and gesturing for us to roll it down, but we ignore him.

“That means you bonded,” Ben sounds so pleased and relaxed that I want to hit him. “He has his side open, and you have your side open.”

“So, I can close it?” I ask hopefully.

“Nyet.” Mitri’s jaw starts to clench.

Ben winces, “Well, yeah. But why would you want to? This is something that people look for all of their lives, and most don’t find it.”

“You’re telling me that people constantly search for someone to invade their privacy? Excuse me for not wanting to be codependent. That has not worked out for me in the past.” I look pointedly over at Kimi, hanging halfway out of Mitri’s car to watch us curiously. He grins and waves at me.

“It’s a partnership,” Ben mutters, bringing my focus back to him. His mouth is turned down slightly, and he looks sad. “It’s supposed to be a connection to cherish, not just shut down.”

I lean back from him to study his face for a moment, and understanding dawns, along with fear and a lot of anxiety.

“You make it sound like a relationship.”

“It kind of is,” Ben replies with a sad smile .

“And you’re okay with me having this connection to him?” Have I been wrong? Is Ben not interested, and I’ve been an idiot? Again?

“Of course, I am,” he insists earnestly. “He’s willing to have this with you, and you’re open on your side, so you’re willing to have it with him. Why would I try to stop that?”

Because, like a fool, I thought you would want that with me.

I also have a connection to him , but it isn’t active like Mitri’s. Does that mean I’m not open, or is he not open? He’s the person that I want. I look away from him and stare at Mal. His eyes meet mine, and he gives me a level-three scowl and shakes his head.

Sorry, buddy, I’m not fluent in Mal body language. Does not compute.

This is a mess. I have no idea how to clean it up without cracking open my gag , feelings, and I’m not ready for that bullshit.

You know what I should do? Totally focus on something else.

“You need to eat,” I shake my head and crawl out of his lap. The bags of food are at Mitri’s feet, and I reach in for a burrito to hand to him. Ben takes it without comment, and I ask Mitri, “Do you think Mal wants one?”

Mitri stares at my shut down face for a second, then takes three out of the bag and opens his door to meet with Mal.

I take advantage of the opportunity and get out of the car myself. Walking a short distance away, I sit on the grass by a tree not far from the vehicle. No one joins me.

“So you fell. What do you do next?” The Old Man’s voice floats from my memory.

I stare up at him from the ground, gritting my teeth to hold back my whimper of pain. He doesn’t get that from me. He doesn’t deserve to hear me suffer. I silently watch as he huffs out an irritated breath.

“You get up,” he barks and begins pacing in front of me.

I stay still and wait for the pain to start. He’s angry with me, for what I’m not sure. It doesn’t matter anyway. No matter what I do or say, I’m wrong and waiting to be punished.

“So, get up !” He yells at me and continues pacing.

I don’t move and remain silent.

He stops in front of me and crouches down. I brace myself, waiting.

“No one will ever help you up if you fall. You have to do it yourself,” he grits with a snarl.

That’s true. No one has ever helped me before this man if you can even call this help.

I know he won’t help me to stand. He may leave me sitting here and return to the small apartment he now lives in.

If I want food, I have to get up. If I want shelter, I have to go with him. It has to be my choice.

The memory washes away, and my eyes sting with tears for the past and the present. The Old Man wasn’t a bad guy, just harsh. He taught me to take care of myself. He’d be disappointed with me now, and that guts me.

I don’t have time to waste on connecting with people. You can’t trust them, none of them. That continues to be proven today. Maybe it’s me I shouldn’t trust. I keep making the same mistakes over and over. Only I can stop that trend, no one else.

I look back and watch as Ben eats alone in his car. Mal is snarling at Mitri’s blank face as he stares at me with narrowed eyes, and Kimi is upside down, eating and watching Ben .

I already said I would help them. And honestly, I need their help to find all the missing people. I won’t let them suffer because I’m a moody bitch. I just need to suck it up a little longer, and then… my eyes drift back to Kimi and his never-ending antics.

Then, I face my past and see if I’m worthy of keeping my heart this time. Do I even care, though? I won’t become someone else, no matter if it would help or hinder someone else's thinking.

I may have fallen, but I can always get back up.

I focus back on my spark and watch it rolling around in confusion. I guess it can’t understand why all the paths are muffled. It’s agitated.

“Consent is a thing you know. Help me muffle the rest of this so we don’t get hurt more than we already are.”

It bounces a little and reluctantly erects a barrier of fire around itself. The three connections are still there, but I feel alone in my head again. Good enough for now.