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Chapter thirty-three

ATALIIA

A knock on my chamber door sounded throughout the room, and from the softness of it, I knew it was Cin. Guilt bloomed in my stomach. I should have gone to talk to her last night after the meeting—should have at least said something to her—but I didn’t know how.

And if I was finally being honest with myself, I was scared.

“Come in!” I called out as I hauled a crate full of items into the sitting room where boxes of all shapes and sizes were strewn about to see her stepping through the doorway.

Her eyes scanned over the mess as I set the crate down on top of another and brushed the dust off my sweater.

“Hi,” Cin said softly, pulling her gaze to mine.

My stomach twisted as I looked back at her.

“Hi,” I responded as a silence fell between us and our eyes locked on each other. A smirk formed on my lips as I crossed my arms and lifted a brow. “This is fucking awkward.”

Her lips split into a wide grin as she rushed me, bolting through the boxes as her body crashed into mine. A groan fell from my mouth and I flinched at the pain that shot through my body with the movement.

“I’m so sorry . . . your wounds—” she started, trying to pull away but my grip on her tightened, my arms locking around her waist as I breathed her in.

“It’s okay. I’m okay,” I whispered against her shoulder, letting out a heavy sigh. “I missed you so much, Cin.”

Her hand ran over my hair as she tucked my head further under her chin. “I missed you too.”

We stayed like that for a long moment, holding each other, making up for the time we had lost all these months. I finally pulled away, my eyes falling to my hands as her fingers wrapped around my shoulders. I’d never not known how to talk to her, never felt uncomfortable in her presence, until now.

“We should talk,” she said, cutting into my thoughts as her fingers gently squeezed before letting me go.

I nodded, turning toward the room that was beginning to look bare, and cleared off the two armchairs across from the fire.

She flung her fingers toward the hearth, flames igniting as I moved the last of the boxes from her chair.

She plopped into it, pulling her legs up to her chest like she always had.

My eyes grazed over her, seeing the mannerisms I knew so well gave me comfort knowing that she was still her, even after everything.

“It’s early, I didn’t expect you to be awake,” I said, lowering myself into the chair across from her and glancing toward the windows on the far side of the room. The dark was still holding steady, confirming it couldn’t be much past four in the morning.

She shrugged, her eyes watching the flames dance inside their cave.

“I couldn’t sleep, I rarely can these days it seems.” A deep sigh left her lips as she turned toward me and I stilled at the strength her eyes held, the determination. “How are you feeling?”

“I don’t know” I answered honestly as I leaned further into the chair. “Broken, ashamed, weak, damaged, fucking furious . But also, maybe a little bit . . . liberated? I don’t know. I fucking snapped, Cin.”

“Yeah,” she said, amusement dancing in her tone. “My face is very aware of that.”

I glanced over at her, a grimace twitching over my face. “Yeah about that—” I loosed a deep breath. “I am really sorry. There are a lot of things I’m sorry for, but putting my hands on you . . .” I swallowed. “It’s unforgivable and I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Putting your hands on me was not okay, and you will never do it again.” Her words were sharp as she said them, commanding, and I nodded. But then her features softened again as she continued.

“But you have shown me nothing but love my entire life. You have protected me at times when I didn’t even know I needed it.

You wore a mask you thought was impervious to destruction, but then you finally let Ardan in and in the same breath you lost him.

That broke you, in a way you didn’t think you were capable of breaking.

So, I understand why it happened, but it’s not me you need forgiveness from, you’ve already had it.

It’s you— you need to forgive yourself.” She let one foot slip to the floor, a quiet thud echoing through the room as she let out a soft sigh.

“It takes strength to love ourselves when we feel nothing but shame, when you feel nothing but loathing for the person in the mirror staring back at you. But you are strong, Ata, you just forgot that about yourself for a moment.”

She leaned across the small distance between us, slipping her hand into mine.

“Healing is a choice. It’s an action that takes work to achieve but I know you. And if you decide you want to heal, nothing, and I mean nothing , will get in your way.” She smiled softly at me as I stared back at her, tears falling from my eyes at her words.

I had said the Gods never answered my prayers, but when they gave me her—they answered every prayer that would ever slip from my lips.

“I love you, Cin,” I whispered, wiping the tears from my cheeks. I didn’t have the words—nothing would ever adequately express the gratitude, the love, I held for her.

“I love you back,” she said, holding my gaze for a long moment before giving my hand one last squeeze. Her other foot hit the floor as she leaned her head back onto the chair and tilted it.

“Now,” she started, grinning over at me. “Can you please tell me how you’ve managed to make every man in this castle fall in love with you and your bad attitude?”

A laugh vibrated from my lungs, filling my rooms as I rolled my eyes in her direction. “I can promise you, the only thing they love is tormenting me.”

She raised a skeptical brow. “Elric has been moping around this place like a lovesick puppy, and Dukovich is never more than a foot away from you since Landers left you in that room alone with him.”

“Okay . . . I can admit, bedding Elric was probably a bad idea,” I said, plastering an innocent look on my face.

“Ata!” Cin shrieked, giggling as she chucked a pillow at me. “You’ve traumatized the poor man.”

“I think I may have,” I said sheepishly, wrapping my arms around the pillow as I caught it, and tucking my face into the fabric. I should probably apologize to him. He never deserved to be a casualty in the war I was fighting within myself.

Cin let out a soft chuckle, pushing herself further into the chair. “What about Andrues? It seems like you two have gotten close.”

“We have.” I nodded. “I don’t know why, but he seems to be the only person I haven’t been able to push away or hurt.” My voice quieted as I said the words and I looked down at my nails.

“It seems Andrues is to you what Ardan was to me,” Cin said, a sad smile crossing her lips at the memory of him. “Those friendships are rare, hold on to him.”

I nodded as the word echoed in my head.

Friend.

That is all he was, all I wanted him to be.

“Ata,” Cin said, her eyes looking at me nervously.

“What happened to you . . . the assault . . . you have to talk about it. I-It doesn’t have to be with me, and I don’t mean right now, but eventually, when you are ready, please talk to someone.

” There was so much fear and worry in her eyes as she said the words, like I might slip back into the darkness at any second.

But I knew she was right, knew I couldn’t keep bottling everything up and expect a different outcome. I had tried it my way so many times, and it only ever led to more pain.

I smiled over at her. “I will.”

Silence fell over the room, a comforting one that had an aura of hope dancing at the edges. I wasn’t okay, and I didn’t think I would be for a long time. But admitting that to myself—accepting it—lifted a weight from my chest that had been crushing me for far too long.

“I am meeting with Yenne this morning,” I said, breaking the silence.

“As in . . . Nethkar’s coven mother?” Cin lifted a brow.

I nodded. “She is going to teach me to harness these visions, and hopefully anything else I can learn in three days.”

Cyloe padded into the room as I spoke, pushing her wolf’s head into my fingers hanging over the arm of my chair and I scratched at her ears before she wandered over to Cin.

“I still cannot believe you have a familiar,” Cin said, grinning down at Cyloe as she sat at her feet. “What’s her name?”

“Cyloe.” A soft smile fell onto my lips as I watched Cyloe place a paw on Cin’s lap.

Of course she immediately liked her .

“Aren’t you such a good girl,” Cin cooed, taking her paw and shaking it as she buried her other hand into her fur. She lowered her face to Cyloe and her giant tongue lapped against Cin’s cheek. She giggled softly, wiping the saliva from her skin as she looked back to me.

“I need you to know,” I started, my voice dropping quiet and full of shame. “I do not blame you for Ardan. I was angry and in pain when I said it, but that is no excuse. You didn’t deserve that.”

Cin looked up at me, her eyes beginning to glisten but she stayed silent as a sad smile lifted the corner of her lips.

“Are you all right, Cin?” I asked and her eyes flitted around the room.

Right. Cain and the mating bond.

She nodded, pushing a curl behind her ear as she stood. “I’m taking it by the day.” She sighed, stepping toward me and extending her hand. “I think I may be stronger than I gave myself credit for.”

“You are.” I slipped my hand into hers, letting her pull me from my seat.

“I need coffee before this day starts, come with me to the kitchens?” she asked, weaving her way between the crates toward the door. I followed behind her as she exited my rooms and Cyloe trotted behind us, her paws clicking against the marble floor.

Cin began talking about the solstice party that she was still hoping to throw as we made our way through the quiet corridors and though I think she knew it wouldn’t happen, I was glad she still had something to hold onto in all of this. Some joy to keep her grounded.