Page 36

Chapter twenty-three

ATALIIA

My limbs felt heavy as I stirred from sleep and stretched my fingers across the sheets, searching for Andrues’s warmth to shield me from the freezing air that flowed through the open window.

But they did not find him.

My throat tightened as shame and embarrassment flooded my body. After what I’d done last night, after the cruelty I’ve shown—I would not have stayed with me either. He had done his job, mended me and pulled the toxins from my body to keep me from slipping into death’s lair.

That was all he had been here to do.

I pulled my hand back to my chest, my fingers tracing along the ridges of the scarred skin underneath them, pressing into the raw wound where my heart had once been.

My lungs expanded, pushing my chest upward as I took a deep breath and slowly began to rebuild that wall I’d let crumble wrapped in his arms only hours ago.

The sound of stones stacking back together echoed in my mind, the barrier being reborn around me.

This is what I wanted, wasn’t it?

To be left alone. To be left in my misery away from anyone who would try to pull me out of it. I had finally done it—achieved that goal—pushed everyone I loved out of my life.

I had won .

Wiping a single tear from my eye, I steeled myself against the emotion and let the darkness creep back in.

A quiet gasp escaped my lips as my head lifted from the pillow and Andrues came into view.

He lounged casually in an armchair tucked in the corner, engrossed in the book that rested on the parlor table in front of him.

His eyes tore from the pages at my movement and locked onto mine.

“You stayed,” I whispered, surprise evident in my voice as I pulled the blanket toward my chest.

“You needed me.” A casual smile slipped onto his lips as the words collided with my half built wall. I stared at him, not knowing what emotion was flooding my body with warmth.

He had stayed.

A veil of silence fell over the room as my gaze lingered on him, his fingers slipping around the book and shutting it as he stood. He walked toward me slowly, almost cautiously, as if he wasn’t sure what version of me had woken up.

I tried to smile, to show that I had no intentions of being the vile person I was yesterday, but the gesture felt unnatural, felt like I was cringing away from him. I pushed my lips into a hard line, turning to face away from him as he stopped in front of me and stepped up to the side of my bed.

“About last—”

“Ataliia, I—” Our voices crashed together in unison and we both quieted as my eyes dropped to my hands.

My heart pounded in my chest as I picked at the varnish across my nails. I felt . . . vulnerable, and I hated it. The feeling was sickening and I couldn’t comprehend how people just allowed themselves to feel this way.

It felt shameful— weak— and I wanted it out of me.

I wrapped my arms around myself like I could shield my soul from him, desperately praying that the numbness would fall back over me so I wouldn’t feel anything at all.

“I’m okay now, Andrues. Thank you for your help last night, but I can take it from here,” I said, my voice clipped.

“You are far from okay. And, as I told you last night, I am not leaving you. I meant that as literally as I did figuratively.” He said the words with such a definitive air that I knew there was no point in arguing, no point in fighting him on it.

My hands fell back into my lap and I stared blankly down at them, not sure if it was anger or gratitude I felt for the company. Closing my eyes, I let out a weighted sigh as I fell back against the headboard, rubbing my temples to try and soothe the aching between my ears.

“Shouldn’t you be off somewhere following Landers around like a puppy?” I groaned.

“Fortunately for you, my schedule is open.” I could hear amusement in his voice as I dug my fingers deeper into my skin. “And Landers is not in Locdragoon for the time being, so it seems you are stuck with me for the foreseeable future.”

My eyes snapped open as my spine straightened. “Where is he?”

“In The Silliands; they left early this morning.” His brows furrowed as the blood drained from my face.

“Who is ‘they’?” I asked slowly, praying it wasn’t the answer I was expecting. “And why the hell are they in The Silliands?”

“Hyacinth, Wren, Landers, and Dukovich. They are—”

“And no one thought I should know about this before it happened?” I hissed, cutting him off as that venom crawled back to the surface.

He raised a brow, crossing his arms over his chest.

“They did. If you came to any of the council meetings, you would know a thing or two about what has been occurring outside of yourself.” Andrues’s tone matched the coldness in mine and the truth of his words stung like a thousand tiny cuts.

He was right, he always seemed to be right.

“Okay . . .” I said quietly, trying to calm the anger, to force it out of me. “Tell me everything I’ve missed.”

He took a step back, sitting on the window’s ledge as he pulled at the rings on his fingers and began to explain.

The beating of my heart seemed to pick up speed with each passing second he spoke.

I could feel the blood rushing through my veins, as if it were trying to escape the confines of my body.

I could hear the sound of my own pulse, loud and insistent.

He spoke of plans that had been made, plans that were currently underway.

My palms began to sweat, my breaths becoming shallow and rapid. I wanted to scream at him to stop, to give me one fucking moment to catch my breath, to make sense of everything he was telling me. But I couldn’t find the words. They were stuck in my throat, choking me.

We had lost contact with Redelvtum.

We had no army and Cin was on her way to unleash vengeful Gods.

“. . . they should be back in a few days, if all goes well,”he finished, clasping his hands around the ledge he sat on.

I could feel the horror sinking into my face as he studied me.

There was no guarantee that Cin would come back alive. That these fallen Gods wouldn’t kill her the moment they woke.

Panic began to wrack my body as I flew from bed and scurried around the room, searching for my leathers. I had to get to her. I couldn’t let her do this alone.

“What are you doing, Ataliia?” Andrues asked as he watched me from his perch.

“I’m going to The Silliands,” I snapped, pushing my legs through my pants and pulling the night shirt over my head as I dug through the bin for my red tunic.

“I cannot let you do that,” he stated plainly.

“I’m going, Andrues,” I hissed, whirling around to face him, not caring that I was half naked.

The breath caught in his throat and my nipples peaked at the sight of it.

His gaze grew dark as he dragged his eyes up the length of my body before pinning them on mine and my chest heaved at the intensity of it.

An almost inaudible growl rumbled in his throat as he pushed from the window and stalked toward me with slow, determined steps.

His fingers wrapped around the hem of his sleeves, rolling them up his forearms as my eyes fell to the veins that were pumping there, pulsating against his skin.

I took a step away from him as he came closer, my back hitting the bookshelves lining the wall behind me.

His eyes never left mine, refusing to indulge in my bare breasts that were on full display.

He leaned down as he stopped directly in front of me, and I stifled the gasp flying up my throat as his hot breath ghosted across my nipples.

He stood upright slowly, pressing a tunic over my chest and kept his eyes locked on mine for only a second longer before taking a step back. “Get dressed, Ataliia.”

It was an order and he did not give me time to argue with it before he turned and walked from the room.

Air crashed back into my lungs as his back disappeared around the corner and I clutched the tunic to my chest, letting my head fall back against the book spines behind me.

My eyes slammed shut as I focused on calming my breathing, soothing the nerves that had just coiled inside my body at the sight of him prowling toward me.

He is your fucking friend, maybe the only one you have left—get it together , I thought, scolding myself for the heat that was beginning to pool low in my abdomen.

Clearing my throat, I pushed the tunic over my head, pulling it down my stomach before rounding the corner into the sitting room, and stilled. He was lounging in an armchair, his fingers scratching behind the ears of a giant grey wolf.

“I-is that my familiar?” I breathed, staring back at it with wide eyes.

“I believe so,” Andrues said, grinning down at her.

Cyloe’s head slowly turned to look at me and a gasp flung itself from my lungs as two crimson eyes locked onto mine. We stared back at each other as a grin slid onto my face.

She is magnificent .

“I am going to The Silliands,” I said again, sliding my hand over Cyloe’s head as I slipped into the chair across from Andrues. His eyes bore into me, his stare burning into the side of my face and the knowledge that he was staring at me—looking at me—made the surface of my skin tingle.

No one had ever seen my darkness—not like he had, yet it didn’t scare him. He didn’t run from it. Not only did he not run, but he had met me in it.

He pulled me from it .

My arms folded over my chest as I pushed away the crimson that was beginning to flood my features and met his gaze.

“I understand that you feel guilty for the way things were left, but a plan was made and they have already gone. You going now would do more harm than good and I think you know that,” Andrues stated, resting his chin between his thumb and forefinger.

I stayed quiet, trying to swallow the infuriating truth of his words as my eyes caught on the heavy key Landers had given me sitting on the table between us.

My heart caught in my throat as I stared blankly down at it.