Page 95 of Best Supporting Actor
“Yeah, well, I’m an idiot,” Jay said flatly. “Tag was very clear about what he wanted, and what he didn’t want, so I was well warned, but I went wading in anyway.”
Phil nodded. “Sounds like you’ve got yourself in a bit of a pickle, son.”
Jay could only give another of those helpless, humourless laughs. “That’s an understatement,” he said. Then he sighed. “I don’t know what to do. It’s all such a mess. Tag and me, the play, all the people I’m disappointing…” He groaned and buried his head in his hands.
Phil was quiet for a while. Then he said, “Remember what I used to say when you were younger and you’d come and talk to me? About how to think through your problems.”
Jay lifted his head. “Yeah,” he said with a half smile. “You said, most problems have more than one part and not to try and deal with everything at once, but to look at the parts one by one.”
Phil smiled at him approvingly. “So youwerelistening?”
“Of course.”
“Okay, let’s start with the play then. You said you decided to walk out in the middle of your argument with Tag—were you going to walk out anyway, or was itbecauseof the argument?”
Jay made a face. “That’s difficult to answer. Iwasintending to go on. I really was. But I was also making damned sure that Rafe was ready to go on in my place. And I know that’s not normal.” He paused, searching for the truth inside him. “Iwantedto go on. I wanted to be there for Tag—he’s worked so hard. We both have.”
Phil nodded, his kind gaze grounding Jay. “And now that you know you won’t be going on tomorrow, do you feel relieved?”
Jay blinked. Frowning, he took stock of his feelings, imagining watching the play. Watching as Rafe made that angry, sweet declaration to Owen at the end of the play. And what Jay felt in that moment wasnothinglike relief. He felt jealous—savagely jealous—that Rafe would be sharing those intimate moments with Tag on stage.
“No?” Phil said.
Jay met his gaze, feeling oddly dazed. “I suppose it’s not so surprising,” he said. “I’ve worked hard on this play over these last weeks, and it’s the first piece of real theatre I’ve done in years and years—sinceThe Birthday Party.”
“No, it’s not surprising that you’d feel invested after working so hard,” Phil agreed mildly.
“It didn’t even feel likework,though,” Jay continued. “The play is really good, and working with Henry—I mean, there’s no one like him for getting inside a character. AndTag—” He broke off, unable to go on for a moment. Tried again. “Tag is, he’s—we had a bond. Acting with him came so naturally. I felt like he brought out the best in me, and it’s a long time, a really long time, since I experienced that.”
“That sounds pretty special,” Phil murmured.
Jay gave an awkward laugh. “It probably wasn’t like that for him. He could play Owen just as beautifully with anyone else playing Sassoon.” Even as he said that, though, Tag’s words of earlier came back to him.“Yes, Rafe’sfine. But he’s notyou.He’s not the Sassoon I want to play opposite.” Jay’s throat closed at the memory. And then he remembered what he’d said in return, accusing Tag of just wanting to be the star of the show, of only thinking of his own career.Christ. He squeezed his eyes closed and scrubbed at his face with his hands, as though to erase the memory of those unfair words. Tag had been nothing but generous in rehearsals, only interested in what was best for the play, what would best serve the characters, not the least bit grabby or self-seeking. The reason he’d been such a joy to work with was that very generosity, that lack of ego, and now Jay felt ashamed of his petty, shabby accusations. Words he’d thrown as a cover for his own shortcomings, a distraction while he made his cowardly escape.
He had been right about one thing, though: him walking away would probably turn out to be the best thing for Tag.
Quietly, Phil said, “It sounds to me as though you have real feelings for this guy.”
Jay’s eyes stung and he nodded, swallowing against the lump in his throat. “Yeah,” he croaked, and admitting it aloud felt like shucking off a huge weight, an intense, exquisite relief. “I’m—I’m in love with him.”
“Does he know?”
Jay shook his head. “I was pretty stupid about recognising it,” he said. “We didn’t get on when we first met. There was—a lot of friction between us.”
“Sometimes friction can be a sign of something else,” Phil said, shrugging. “When I first met Amanda, I was convinced I disliked her.” He laughed, then gave a rueful smile. “It took me a while to admit to myself that people generally don’t spend every waking minute thinking about someone they dislike and finally put that bullshit aside. It sounds like you and Tag did too?”
“Thanks to the play,” Jay admitted. “Working so closely, we got to know each other better, and I soon saw how wrong I’d been about him.” He shook his head at himself, smiling slightly at the memory of those early days. “I thought he was brash and shallow because he has this jack-the-lad persona. But then I realised he wears that to hide his vulnerable side. He’s always cracking jokes and flirting with everyone, and sometimes he’s a bit of a hothead…” Jay came to an abrupt stop.
“Like tonight?” Phil suggested gently. When Jay stayed silent, he added, “Maybe he feels the same way as you, Jay?”
Jay shook his head numbly. “Like I said, when we first got together, he was very honest about what he wanted: a quick fling, nothing more.”
“Well, maybe he changed his mind.Youdid, after all.”
It was a tempting thought, but Jay wasn’t about to start fooling himself. “Yeah, well, I changed my mind because I discovered that Tag’s a great guy. What he discovered about me was… not so great, you know?”
“Jay, come on—”
But Jay kept going, driven by a painful desire for confession. “I mean it. Now he knows that underneath my confident mask, I’m uptight and inhibited, and needy as fuck, just like Seb always said.”