Page 82 of Best Supporting Actor
After a while, when Jay was starting to feel calmer, Ronnie said, “Is this about what happened withThe Birthday Party? Are you still hung up on that?”
Ronnie was nothing if not direct. Tactless, some might say, but at least you always knew where you were with him. WhenThe Birthday Partydisaster had happened, Ronnie was the only person in Jay’s life who actually asked him outright what had gone wrong. Everyone else tiptoed around him, pretending it hadn’t been as bad as he imagined.
“Hung up?” Jay repeated dully. “Yeah, I guess you could say that. I walked in tonight and practically the first person I saw was Austin Coburn, and I just—I started having a panic attack.” He shook his head, disgusted by his own weakness.
“Austin Coburn?” Ronnie was frowning. “Who’s that?”
A laugh scraped out of Jay. “That critic. You know, the bastard who tore me apart inThe Birthday Party.He’s… not a fan. Always making snide comments about me in his stupid ‘A Little Bird Tells Me’ column. Basically, he hates me.”
“Hatesyou? That’s kinda weird. Do you guys have history or something?”
Jay sighed. Ronnie, his oldest sibling, was a decade older than Jay, so he didn’t know much about Jay’s schooldays. “Yeah, we were at school together. I won’t bore you with it—honestly, it’s just bloodystupid—but the bottom line is, any chance he gets to run me down, he takes. When I saw him tonight, I just pictured him sitting in the audience for this play, and then all I could think about was how it felt that night, inThe Birthday Party. Standing under the lights, sweating, my mind completely blank. And Seb just glaring at me, waiting for me to…” His throat closed on the final words, panic rising again, and he had to take in a deep, shuddering breath before he could add, “I’m just so fucking scared of it happening again. OhGod,I don’t think I can do it. Ican’tdo it.” Dropping his head into his hands, he screwed his eyes shut. “But if I don’t, I’ll be letting Tag—everyone, down. And if I do, and I fuck up, it’ll be even worse.” He snatched another, panicked breath and scrubbed his hands over his face. When he finally looked up again, it was to find his brother watching him with a troubled, considering expression. “Help me, Ronnie,” he whispered. “I don’t know what to do.”
Ronnie said carefully, “I guess the question is, what do youwantto do?” When Jay just stared, unable to formulate an answer, his brother added, “Do you want to do the play, or not?”
Yes. To Jay’s surprise, that was the answer that leapt to mind. He did want to do the play, he wanted to be there for Tag, and he wanted to bring all their hard work to fruition. “Yes, but I just don’t think I can,” he admitted.
“Sure you can,” Ronnie said. “What’s more, you will, if it’s really what you want.” He cocked his head, considering. “Doesn’t your medication help with the stage fright?”
Jay frowned. “What do you mean, my medication?”
“Weren’t you prescribed some anti-anxiety meds afterThe Birthday Party?” He shrugged. “I’m not judging. I know several actors who use medication to control their stage fright. I don’t think it’s the best tool myself, but it’s not uncommon—I mean, Harmony uses meds.” That was a surprise. Harmony, Ronnie’s most recent ex, was an intense theatre actor, devoted to her craft. “It wouldn’t normally be the first thing I’d suggest to an actor struggling with stage fright, but given how close you are to opening, and how short the run is, it might be worth a shot.”
“I tried it once before,” Jay admitted. “Just for a walk-on thing. It was a fucking disaster.”
Ronnie looked curious. “How so?”
“I was like a zombie. Totally out of it. People thought I was drunk.”
Ronnie winced. “How much did you take? Harmony only takes half a pill before a performance. She says it’s just enough to take the edge off.”
Jay considered that. It made a sort of sense. Two of the pills he’d been given had knocked him sideways, but maybe a fractional dose would be enough to get him through a performance. Just dial down the panic enough that he could function.
Jay looked at his brother. “Do you know what she takes?”
Ronnie frowned. “Not off the top of my head, though I can message and ask her. But, Jools—” He paused, then added, “I wouldn’t recommend this as a permanent solution.”
Jay flushed. “Yeah. I hear you.”
“So maybe,” Ronnie went on, “after this play is over, you could go see this woman I know in California? She runs courses—CBT, visualisation, mental strength, that sort of thing. She might be able to help you find a way to deal with this that doesn’t involve popping pills. Okay, kiddo?”
Jay managed a watery laugh. “Okay,” he said. “After the play.”
Christ, after the play?Might as well say on the other side of the ocean, the distance between now and then felt so vast and unnavigable. Ronnie was offering a lifeline, though, and Jay knew he had to grab it with both hands or sink.
Ronnie had pulled out his phone and was shooting off a quick message. Before he’d even shoved it back in his pocket, it pinged with a response.
“I’m sending you the name of the meds,” he said, his thumbs flying over his phone keyboard. Before he sent it, he looked up and met Jay’s eyes. “Temporary measure only, yeah?”
“Yes,” Jay said. “Promise.”
“Okay then.” Once the message had swished off to Jay, Ronnie said, “So, are you ready to get back to the party?”
Not really, but what choice did he have? The show must go on. “Ready as I’ll ever be,” he said. “And thanks, Ronnie.”
His brother rose too, clapping him on the shoulder. “No problem. Now, I want you to introduce me to your co-star. Mother’s charmed, and we both thought he was awesome inBow Street.”
“Give me five minutes,” Jay said, “and I’ll happily introduce you.” He waggled his phone. “I just need to make one quick call.”