Page 102 of Best Supporting Actor
“You despise television actors,” he interrupted. “Even more than movie actors. You think we’re hacks.”
“I do not!” she said hotly.
“Yes, you do. At least be honest.”
She gave an anguished gasp at that, her expression beautifully wounded—which was usually Jay’s cue to apologise, but instead he lifted the bagel and took a huge bite. It might as well have been sawdust, but he chewed manfully away, leaving it to her to break the silence.
Eventually, she did. “Look,” she said. “I adore the theatre—it’s the great love of my life, after your father, of course, so yes, perhaps I sometimes denigrate other fields of acting and talk up my favourite. I don’tmeanto be judgmental.” After a pause, she added, “I’ve never wanted toupsetyou, darling.” She offered him a watery, hopeful smile, but he couldn’t bring himself to smile back.
Dropping the bagel onto the plate, he gave a long sigh and rubbed at his temples. The last thing he wanted right now was to get into this with his mother, but for once, he didn’t want to walk away and pretend everything was fine, like he’d done so often before. And really, there was never going to be a more appropriate time for this conversation.
“I believe that, Mother, but the truth is, youhaveupset me.”
Her face fell. “When?”
“When I had thatBirthday Partydisaster, you wouldn’t even talk to me about it—or even acknowledge it had happened.”
Dame Cordelia’s face pinkened. “Perhaps you don’t remember,” she said. “But I wasn’t actually here when that happened. I was rehearsing in Vancouver.”
“I do remember,” Jay said. “I spoke to you on the phone the next day, and several times after that, but you always played it down, like I was making a big deal out of nothing.” He shrugged. “I get why. You were embarrassed that I’d failed so publicly and—”
“Embarrassed?” his mother said furiously, her colour high now, her eyes sparking with outrage. “I was not, and I will never be, embarrassed by you! I am ridiculously, insanelyproudof you, you absurd boy! I admit I thought that putting that debacle—and that bloody awful Sebastian Talbot—behind you was the best thing to do. I hated the idea of you wallowing in regret and‘what ifs’—especially overhim. Maybe that was wrong. Maybe Ishouldhave talked to you, and commiserated with you. But right or wrong, I most certainly was not embarrassed. I was trying tohelpyou, the best way I knew how.”
“Help me by constantly telling me I needed to ignore my fears and force myself back on stage?” Jay said incredulously. “You know, it didn’t reallyhelpthat you kept reminding me of exactly how it was that I was failing as an actor, telling me that I wasn’tstretching myselfby sticking to television. At least be honest—you were desperate for me to go back on stage.”
“Yes!” she cried. “Of course I was. I wanted you to try again, but not because I thought you were failing or because I was ashamed of you. I thought it was the best thing for you to do because it was what had worked for me!” She gave a harsh laugh then, and he realised he probably looked like a stunned mullet at this revelation. “What, you think I’ve never had a disastrous performance?” she continued. “I can assure you, I have. More than a few, and once or twice so badly I thought I might as well throw in the towel.”
Jay stared at her, taken aback. She had never admitted to messing up before. “I find that… quite difficult to imagine.”
“We all have to learn. The difference between you and me was that I got to be an unknown when I started out. I got to learn my craft slowly, making my mistakes in small roles before I finally took a leading part.” She smiled at him sadly. “That was something you never had. You were born famous, so you were handed opportunities on a plate. And sometimes… they were things you weren’t ready for.”
Jay swallowed. “Poor little nepo baby, that’s me,” he said, trying for a light tone and failing miserably.
She gave a rueful smile. “No, you’re a talented actor, Julius. I know I’m your mother and inclined to be biased, but I’ve heard that confirmed by plenty of others who I trust to tell me the truth. Henry Walker included.”
Just a few weeks ago, Jay would probably have made some self-deprecating comment at this point. But for once he didn’t feel the urge to do that, and it struck him, quite suddenly, that that was because of the work he’d been doing onLet Us Go Back.Challenging, satisfying work, with people he respected and liked, and who had helped him build his confidence back up.
“I don’t know if you remember,” his mother went on, “but before I flew to Canada, I advised you not to take the part inThe Birthday Party. I was worried you didn’t have the experience to carry off a character so much older than you were.”
Jay frowned. He’d forgotten that, but yes, now he remembered that conversation. He’d been so excited to call her and tell her about landing the part, and at the time, her unenthusiastic response had crushed him.“I don’t think it’s really you, darling. Perhaps you should pass on this one?”Now he saw her tentative comments in a very different light.
“You were right,” Jay confessed. “Obviously. It was only later I realised that I’d got the part because of Seb. At the time I was too excited to question it, but it was embarrassingly obvious. He’d pulled a lot of strings, quite hard, to get me a last-minute audition, then leaned on them to offer me the part. The truth was, nobody else really wanted me. The director was pissed off from the start, and Clive—the understudy—hated me. He was probably lined up for the part before I came along. The lead’s new boyfriend waltzing in and stealing it from under his nose.” He grimaced.
His mother sighed. “I should have made the point more forcefully.”
Jay smiled wryly. “I probably wouldn’t have listened anyway. I was so starry-eyed about Seb and my big break. I thought it would be wonderful, being in the same cast, working together every night.” He gave a short huff of laughter. “And then it all fell apart on opening night.”
“Oh, darling!” his mother said, reaching for his hand. “I never liked Sebastian Talbot. Such a dreadful,selfishactor. I’ll never forget the way he undermined darling Sissy when they appeared together inStreetcar—Cecily Carruthers, you remember her? Dear, dear friend of mine from rep days.Completenymphomaniac.” Waspishly, she added, “And Talbot wasn’t anywhere near butch enough to play Stanley.”
Jay gave a croak of laughter. Even his mother’s moral intuitions were shaped by her profession, but for once, rather than feeling irritated by her tendency to see everything through the acting lens, it occurred to him that this was her way of showing her loyalty.
“You’re right about that too,” he admitted. “Seb wasn’t exactly easy to work with. It was always all about him. When anyone else had lines, he’d do these distracting things, as though he couldn’t bear the audience’s attention to be off him for even one second.” Embarrassing to remember that Jay had once thought this was the mark of a deeply committed performer, inhabiting his character fully. Now he compared Seb’s self-absorbed behaviour to Tag’s generous, collaborative approach and felt like an idiot for ever thinking that.
In that instant, he remembered the words he’d thrown at Tag last night.
“…that’s all you want, isn’t it? To be the star of the show…”
He cringed at the memory. How could he have said that? It was so untrue. Sounfair.