Page 81 of Best Supporting Actor

Once inside Phil’s office, he leaned back against the door and closed his eyes as the wave of panic he’d been holding back rose up, submerging him. His legs gave way and he slid to the floor, landing in a heap and burying his head in his hands.

“Fuck,” he whispered. “Fucking hell.”

The reality he’d been trying to ignore since he’d arrived in York hit him all at once.

People were relying on his celebrity to carry the play, but he just wasn’t up to the job.

With sudden, ruthless clarity, he saw that, whether he liked it or not, the news of his role inLet Us Go Backwas probably going to get out before opening night, maybe as soon as tonight.

It was exactly the sort of story that Austin Coburn would love to break. Jay Warren, back on stage, screwing up another play. Well, fuck Austin! And fuck Giles Cox, too, the treacherous bastard. He’d wanted to publicise Jay’s involvement all along; all he cared about was ticket sales. And what better way to do it than by giving Austin Coburn the bloody scoop? Giles didn’t even have to tell Austin himself, just bring him along and wait for the inevitable leak. After all, the champagne was flowing, and there were so many people here tonight who already knew. Hell, fuckingQuentinknew. This was already the worst-kept secret in the history of badly kept secrets.

Well, sod them. They could have Rafe. All Jay had asked was for his involvement to be kept secret, but they couldn’t keep their mouths shut, could they? So fuck them, he was out. He didn’t owe them a thing.

Except… What about Tag?

The thought of letting Tag down like that made his throat hurt. Tag would hate him, despise him… Would finally know the cowardly truth about him. And that was intolerable.

Jay heard himself moan aloud, and it was an awful, broken sound. Animal-like and shocking. Christ. He had to pull himself together. None of this was objectively surprising. His plan to keep his involvement under wraps until opening night had always been a pipe dream, hadn’t it? So why was he reacting like this?

Whatever the reason, suddenly all he could think about was standing on that stage. Act One, Scene One. All those people out there, waiting for him to speak. And Tag watching him fall apart, incredulous. Jay imagined looking out at the audience and seeing Austin Coburn sitting in the front row with that thin-lipped, malevolent smile on his face. Waiting for Jay to fail.

He didn’t have to work hard to imagine standing there, with the words drying up on his tongue, his mind going blank. He’d lived it, and he remembered it in every excruciating detail.

Oh God.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat on the floor of Phil’s office, silently freaking out. But eventually, he became aware of light knocking on the door and someone with a mid-Atlantic accent saying his name.

“Jools? Jools, are you in there?”

Ronnie?

A wave of relief slammed into him. Miraculously, his big brother had arrived, just when he needed him.

“Hang on,” he said hoarsely, clambering to his feet. He took a moment to smooth a hand over his rumpled hair and tug down his shirt before opening the door.

Ronnie stood on the other side, his pale grey gaze intense, dark brows creased with concern. “Are you okay? Mandy sent me to find you.”

“Ronnie, I’m—I’m—” He couldn’t seem to get words out, and Ronnie’s frown deepened.

“Hey,” he said gently, stepping into the room and closing the door behind him. “What’s wrong?”

Jay moved back, letting him inside. “I’ve fucked up,” he said. “I can’t do it.”

“Can’t do what?”

“The play.” Jay shook his head in disbelief. “We open on Tuesday.Fuck.”

Ronnie searched his face. At last he said, “Is it because you don’t feel ready? That’s not uncommon. It’s amazing how often actors find that it’s only just before opening night that things finally click for them and—”

“It’s not that,” Jay interrupted.

“Okay,” Ronnie said calmly. “What then?”

“I think—” Jay broke off, swallowing hard. Was he really going to say this—admit this—aloud? “I thinkI’ve lost my nerve.” He squeezed his eyes closed. “I should never have agreed to this.”

When he opened his eyes again, it was to find Ronnie watching him tensely. “Come sit,” he said, taking Jay’s elbow and steering him towards a small sofa in the corner of the room. “Take a deep breath with me. That’s it, in and then out… Now another...”

Jay did as he was told, trying to concentrate on his brother’s reassuring voice and the feel of the breath in his chest, trying to ignore his racing pulse and shaking hands, the sweat trickling down his spine. The strangled scream trapped in his throat.