Page 45 of Becoming Us

He let out a heavy sigh. “You can’t outrun everything. And just because I’m worried doesn’t mean I’m not mad.” The bed creaked as he stood and looked down at me. His face said otherwise. I’d seen my father angry before—this wasn’t it. Anger didn’t make my chest ache like this. “You’re grounded indefinitely, and I’m having Jaz check your room every day. If we find anything else, you’re going to rehab.”

I nodded.

“I know I’m not always available, Noah. But I’ll be here when you need me. Reach out. What happened—this—it can be a blip in your past if you let it. It doesn’t have to define you. These things are dangerous. If you let them, they’ll take root before you even realize it.”

“I know, Dad.”

“Go flush it. I’ll wait,” he said, glancing toward the nightstand.

I stood and did what he asked me to, watching the powder vanish down the drain.

It didn’t mean anything. Not really. Throwing it away didn’t make a difference.

I was still left with the same mess I’d started with.

I looked up at my reflection.

See?

Same mess.

Almost three months later, life felt a little different.

I’d stopped having my room searched every day. The reprieve of privacy was nice. I hadn’t touched the stuff since the talk with my dad, so I had nothing to hide, but it was a welcome change when it no longer felt like an episode ofTo Catch a Smuggler.

Choosing volleyball had been easy. It wasn’t the most popular sport, which meant there was room for me on the team—even if I wasn’t a regular. Plus, I’d played for years with my cousins during winter break, so I was actually decent. What I hadn’t expected was the level of commitment from our team captain, Colin. I genuinely liked the guy, but he was a sadist.Behind his laid-back jock persona, he was all drills. Brutal. Relentless. Drills. And I wasn’t exactly in peak shape.

His serve was also insane—borderline inhuman. Catching it was basically impossible. Still, it was fun to try.

Despite the pain in muscles I didn’t know I had, Colin turned out to be a decent guy. No judgment. He became a fast friend, which was a refreshing change. He and the other guys on the team were good. Suddenly, my dad’s insistence made sense. Hanging around them meant workouts and endurance trials, not hookups and getting high. They weren’t saints, but next to me, they looked like golden boys.

I’d tried therapy again. After going through five therapists, my dad started doubting its effectiveness. I picked up drumming again, and for some reason, that seemed to settle him. It definitely settled me.

After the guilt wore off—if it ever existed at all—my mom went right back to her usual self. Unsolicited comments about my diet, casual jabs at my appearance. On good days, I was her best friend, and we’d spend hours shopping and gossiping. But on bad days, I had to shut the fuck up and leave her alone. I never knew who I was going to get: Jekyll or Hyde. And if I dared to push back, she just came back louder, more charged.

So I thought about all the things I could say to get under her skin instead. I imagined it. Practiced it. Fantasized about the moment I’d finally tell her to fuck off and be the one to walk away.

But I didn’t.

I was supposed to be keeping the peace.

My only act of rebellion was cranking up the music and going hard on the drums, chasing a noise loud enough to silence the chaos she left behind.

Colin and Holly got along, which worked out great for me.

One day, we were out in the courtyard, sitting on one of the tables. I had a little speaker set out, humming to songs and playing air drums while they ate lunch and gossiped.

“I thought she was dating Beck,” Colin said.

“No, Beck wanted to, but she’s into Victor Hass,” Holly said before taking a bite of a fry.

“She totally traded up. Beck’s a dick.” I rolled my eyes, annoyed.

Colin’s eyebrows shot up.

“What? It’s true. A year ago, he was copying off me during a physics quiz, and when he got caught, he told Mr. Salvatore I was asking him for answers. In front of the whole class,” I said, still irked. I could be a lot of things, but a cheater wasn’t one of them. If I was going to flunk, I’d flunk fair and square.

Hold the Linestarted playing.