Page 7 of Badd Baby

I woke to the insistent burbling of my cell phone, which, as I swam up to consciousness, I realized had been ringing for a while. I fumbled for it blindly, my eyes still refusing to open all the way.

" 'Lo?" I slurred.

"It's a FaceTime call, dork," I heard Lindsey's voice say. "Pull the phone away from your ear and look at it."

"No." I ended the call and flopped back to the bed, but I kept the phone on my chest.

A second or two later, it burbled again. I answered and held it at arm's length. "What?" I demanded, peering at the screen. "And why are you FaceTiming me at…six in the fucking morning?"

"Because," she drawled, dragging out the last syllable into a sing-song, "we have a major, major emergency. As in code red, all hands on deck."

"You forgot your vibrator at home?" I guessed.

"This is no time for jokes!" she yelled. "And no, I would never. Lady Clitoria goes everywhere I go."

I stared at her. "No."

"No, what?"

"You did not name your vibrator Lady Clitoria."

“It's not a vibrator, first of all, sinner. Vibrators are so Gen X. It’s a clitoral stimulator. There's a difference."

I rolled my eyes at her, wiggling my middle and ring fingers at her. "Well, whore, my clitoral stimulators go with me everywhere, too, but I don't have a stupid name for them. They're just called fingers.”

"You're missing out on seriously next-level orgasms, Rune. For real. I bought you one for your birthday—are you telling me you haven’t even tried it?" She shook her head with a sad, disappointed sigh. "Rune, Rune, Rune. Try it, girl. For real. It'll change your sex life. You’ll thank me.”

"I don't have a sex life, at the moment, Linz. I haven't had sex since I broke up with Hayes Motherfucking Willoughby."

Cue the horrified reaction.

"You what? Not even a hookup?"

"Linz…that's what no sex means. It's on purpose, also."

"You've gone more than two months without fucking anyone…on purpose?” She shook her head again. "Girl. Girl. The Old Ones did get one thing right: the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."

"The Old Ones?" I echoed. "Why do you hate on the older generations so much?"

"Because my parents are the worst, and so are all their friends. They ruined the Earth, the government, and everything else with it. They—"

"Save the political bullshit, Linz," I snapped. "You can miss me with that shit. It's not just them. It's a fucking group effort."

She rolled her eyes at me. "Fine. Keep your head in the sand. But for real, you need to get laid."

“Nevermind my sex life,” I said. “What's the emergency that required a FaceTime at fuck-o-clock in the morning?"

She rubbed her face with both hands, groaning. "The hotel here in Ketchikan, where Hamish and Raquel were going to have the wedding, reception, and stay for their first night together, had a really bad electrical fire last night. The whole place is fucked. It all but burned to the ground.”

"Oh…shit. That's not good at all. The wedding is in three days."

"Not good?" Lindsey repeated. "It's a fucking catastrophe! It was pure dumb luck they had a last-minute cancellation in the first place—they're normally booked at least a year out. And so is everywhere else! There is literally not a single hotel or event center in all of Ketchikan with any openings before next fucking July! And we have our entire friend group flying in tomorrow for a wedding…but we have no location and nowhere for anyone to stay."

"Fuck.” I winced. "What am I supposed to do about it, though? I forgot my magic wand back in LA.”

Lindsey sighed. "You know, Rune, you don't have to be sarcastic all the time.”

"Yes, I do. It's a feature, not a bug.”