Page 17 of Artemysia

“Get lost.” - Throg

I want to cut off my own fucking hand for what I did to Delphine.

Instead of putting a dagger in me or snapping my arm in two, which she should have done, she let me fucking choke her.

Even helped me. Just for the sake of knocking me out of my dream state without hurting me.

It worked, but monstrosity from hell that I am, I could have killed her.

It’s rare, but it’s not the first time I couldn’t wake from a violent dream.

It’s never happened during a nap, though.

The aggression has been taking over ever since my last mission.

Fuck . I don’t even know how to apologize for something like that.

When I ride up behind her, Throg cuts me off, inching closer to the flank of her elk.

“Get lost. Nothing you say can make that okay,” he growls.

Ivy watches us from the side, unusually quiet, but doesn’t react.

She doesn’t scare easily, but I’m certain she had no idea what I was capable of—that I could turn on my own.

It’s clear that it bothers her. Ivy’s mind is replaying all those times we were alone on assignment, thinking it could have been her in my grasp.

I know she’s mulling over it now, even though she’ll never show or admit that it frightens her.

“Delphine.” Shame ignites my skin when I see her bruised neck.

“Riev, don’t focus on it. You didn’t do it on purpose. I’m fine.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know you are. I’m ordering you to drop it.”

“But—”

“Drop it.”

Self-loathing burns a painful hole in my chest, making it difficult to breathe.

Normally, a bit of violence might relieve the pain, but in this case, nothing— nothing —will ever make me forgive myself.

I fall back and ride in silence and shame.

Shame for the vicious creature that lurks deep within me, that takes over when I need it to, if only to survive.

The inhuman beast that is me.