Page 40 of Antiletum (The Nocturne #1)
But she won’t be left behind, alone and under Parliament’s watchful eye. They’re mistaken if they think they’ll turn Delaney from a symbol of hope into a lesson to the court and people to stay in line. Over my dead fucking body will I leave her behind ever again.
“Are you going to go?” Selise’s tone is fearful.
“I’m going to Vulpes . But not to talk about antiletum . And Delaney isn’t staying here.”
Mallin paces through the parlor. Goes to a wet bar and pours himself a glass of clear spirits. “We’re not ready.” He tosses back his drink.
“All the same,” I say calmly. “We couldn’t keep the ruse up forever.”
We’re not ready .
Did I not essentially say those same words to my late father just hours ago?
Voicing my fears that I’ve long shared with him, even while he lived?
That I’ve never felt I’m up to the task?
Holding the future of the world not only on my shoulders, but placing it on the back of my wife’s as well. Because I am selfish.
So much was kept from me, for so long. But now it’s too late to go back. I don’t like it. Not one bit.
“All Heartstones were supposed to have been located before the first was ever raised,” Mallin says, bringing me back into the now and easing the cinch around my heart.
“I had to improvise when things began to unravel.”
“I know. I’m just ruminating. Or panicking.” He laughs. Selise comes to his side, stroking a loving hand across his back.
My eyes turn downcast, sucking my lip between my teeth as I shake my head. Playing through different courses of action I may have taken.
Mallin, ever insightful, senses my insecurities.
“You’ve done the right thing. You were put in this position, Val, because Llewellyn and Heath had faith in your abilities.
Your methods are questionable to some of us at times.
But that was part of the draw for having you lead.
Your father understood you. You’re willing to do whatever it takes to achieve your desired outcomes,” Mallin says.
He adds firmly, “Not to mention your loyalty is commendable. A positive trait.”
He sees right through my calm demeanor, right into this core of self-doubt. He knows me too well. That fucker.
“Yes. I suppose so. Though it isn’t ideal we have now lost all this time, and the full element of surprise. But considering the precariousness of what we intend to do, things could be going significantly worse,” I point out, trying to calm myself as much as my friends.
“Are you leaving immediately?” Mallin stops his pacing, leans against a wall.
“No. Best to make sure things are in order first. Not be too hasty and potentially reveal that I have something else in mind.” Sighing, I begin, “Rainah saw—”
“Rainah saw,” Mallin cuts me off, “herself alive in all of her predictions. The future isn’t concrete.”
“But you still don’t know the location of the Panthera Heartstone, right?” Selise twiddles her skirt in her hand.
“That’s right,” Mallin confirms.
“It doesn’t matter. I fear if we keep waiting, we will miss our chance,” I say. Everything that was set in motion years ago is now rolling down a hill with a momentum that can’t be stopped.
At this moment, a croaking groan sounds from above the mantle. The small Ellden clock poised there rolls a hand backwards. Mallin and I both groan.
“Fuck me,” I breathe out, wondering if Delaney is again necromancing without me. Though I don’t see why she would, having just released her pent up magic in a spectacular display.
Anxiously, the three of us watch the clock to see how rapidly it will wind back.
It was restored quickly after Delaney succeeded in speaking to Rainah (thanks to Alaric’s post at Greystone with an offering of prisoners) as well as one other time between then and now, when an unknown person stretched the confines of balance.
But before that, the Noctua Heartstone struggled far too much for my liking when I upended balance and went too long without feeding it. I am only able to manage a breath when the vinculum hand shifts forward, the tension staining the ether lessening.
Mallin and Selise bring their attention back to me.
“What are we going to do about finding the Panethera Heartstone?” Mallin asks with more urgency and seriousness.
Heaving a sigh, I tell them the exact same thing I keep telling Delaney. “We’re going to bring Rainah back. Before Delaney and I go to Vulpes together . ”
Selise swallows hard. “How are you so sure it will work?”
“It will.”
“But your necromancy has never worked like that. Only long enough for interrogations.”
The thump of the Noctua Heartstone answering the call to magic at my wedding washes through me; the blooming of life in the graveyard with my wife tonight.
Strong and vital and unlike anything the world has ever seen before.
The only difference in the two instances of intense magic were Delaney letting our magic settle with the Heartstone and consciously breaking the tie of magic to the world tonight.
Not to mention the way I downplayed my own depths of power long before my wedding.
But no one needs to know that. Not yet.
Mallin chimes in confidently. “Other than the Noctua Heartstone. Your vinculum bind to the Ellden clocks has worked against Parliament this time, amplified in your marriage. Is Delaney going to go?”
“She will. She said she wanted to raise the rest. ”
Mallin laughs. “So she can leave you. Maybe you were right at the manor. She might hate you.”
“She’s not going to leave me,” I say, denying the jab.
Selise tuts, shaking her head and muttering under her breath as she exits the room. Remembering that she’s angry with me.
After I can hear Selise shuffling around in another room, I turn back to Mallin. “I think we’re almost there.”
He understands my vague meaning. “What makes you say that?”
“I showed her my owl tonight. After she was openly affectionate and told me she loved me.” That kiss. The intensity of it. The way Delaney moaned and asked me for more, so wet through her dress I could feel it on my skin.
“Let me guess, she gave you the sentiment before she knew it was you?”
I grimace.
Mallin rubs a hand over his eyes. “Val, if you just told her, she might forgive you. You should have told her the night of your wedding. I stand firm that all of this was avoidable.”
My throat goes tight. “I can’t.”
Mallin lets out a long, loud breath, his exhaustion mirroring mine. “You can. You just don’t want to. Because you’re afraid.” He is accusing me of the exact same thing I did of Delaney. And he’s right. I’m terrified that if she accepted the truth, it wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t be enough.
I never would have been enough.