Page 23

Chapter Twenty-One

Eva

One hour later, back in Liam’s cubicle, I find Ben sitting in the chair, the nurse and a doctor now checking Liam’s vitals. Ben nibbles his finger, working whatever’s burdening him into the flesh.

He looks up when I draw the curtain. His hollow gaze takes in my blotchy face. Splashing water on it made no difference before I came back up here. “He’s gone?”

I sigh not giving him eye contact. “That’s none of your business.” There was no sign of Luke outside. His brother I saw waiting, but I didn’t talk to him. Luke gave me his number then said he was going to make things right. What that means, I can guess, but I don’t want to think about it.

The doctor turns to look at me after the nurse leaves.

“Is Liam okay?” I ask him, stepping closer.

The doctor clicks his pen, slipping it into the pocket of his blue, striped shirt. “We’re pretty certain Liam suffered from carbon-monoxide poisoning, Miss Robinson.”

My mouth gapes open. “Carbon-monoxide?” My voice goes up an octave with my disbelief.

He nods as the hairs on the back of my neck turn sharp like icicles. “Most likely a gas cooker or faulty boiler are the most obvious cause.” My eyes dart to Ben who’s looking between me and the doctor anxiously .

Whoever threatened me must have followed me when I dropped Liam at Ben’s. They must have got in during the night. That means we can’t go back to mine, and Liam now can’t go back to Ben’s, either. What am I going to do?

The ground shakes underneath my feet as if it’s about to crumble and break away. “Miss Robinson?”

My eyes slowly drag to the doctor’s in front of me. “Yes?”

“Are you okay?”

My head feels light. My hands begin to shake. It’s not like I can take Liam and stay with my mum, either. There’s no good outcome here. I nod, lying. “Will he be alright?”

“We need to bring his oxygen levels back up. Once we do that, he should be fine to go home.”

Home. Is it safe?

“Mamma! Mamma!”

The sound of Liam’s shrill cry from waking suddenly, makes my shoulders hunch and my stomach turn. He’s scared. His little eyes rapidly blink open as I hurry towards him. “Hey, baby. I’m here. Mummy’s right here.”

He begins crying, the little machine next to him beeping at a faster rate.

“Shh. Shh.” I stroke the loose tendrils of his hair back on his head. “My brave boy.” I hold back my tears, not letting them show in front of him. Once my hand is firmly in his grip, his eyes close again, and his chest judders up and down as his tears begin to subside.

“We’ll let him get some sleep. As long as he keeps the oxygen mask on, that will help him.”

“Thank you, Doctor.” I sniff, blinking my tears away at the same time Ben stands from the chair.

“No problem. I’m on shift all day. If you need anything, just ask for me. My name’s Doctor Harris.”

“I appreciate it. Thank you.” I smile at the doctor.

He pats my shoulder and leaves us, drawing the curtain behind him.

The only sounds are people walking past and the general hustle that comes from being in a hospital. I find it calming, in a weird, roundabout way. Calming, and yet I’d give anything to not be here right now .

“What happened?” I ask, but don’t look at Ben as he rounds the bed and looks down at Liam.

In the corner of my eye, I catch him grabbing a handful of his hair, his face scrunching. “I went to wake him up at seven. You know he never sleeps that long.”

That’s true. “He likes to beat the sun.”

I look at Ben and his bloodshot eyes flick to me. “He was hot and red. When I tried to wake him, he was dizzy. I called the ambulance right away.” Ben’s frantic eyes dart from left to right.

Lifting my hand to his shoulder, I feel his body vibrating. “Hey. You did the right thing.”

He takes a second more before looking at me. “Did I?” he asks unsure before adding, “Because I was scared.”

I don’t want Ben worrying about anything. I have no clue what is going on yet, and even though my own fears are running rife, I don’t want Ben not feeling safe, either. “Yeah, you did.” I decide not to tell him about the break-in and subsequent threat that was left at mine. “You need to get yourself checked.”

“I’m fine.” He disregards my concern like I’m crazy.

“Ben, I’m serious.”

“I said I’m fine,” he snaps, causing Liam to stir.

We both look down at him. My ears ring. Hot blood rushes to my face.

“Who was the man that showed up at my house?” My eyes dart to his as a nervous jab flashes down my spine. “You might think I’m stupid, Eva, but I know your lover boy sent someone to check on me.”

Molten anger rolls through me. “Don’t talk like that. He sent him to make sure you were safe.”

Ben’s expression matches mine. “Safe? You think I need checking up on?”

“No I don’t think that,” I splutter, shaking my head and feeling my skin heat as the blood rushes around my body. I didn’t want to tell him about the threat, but I have no choice. “Someone broke into my place when we were out. Luke sent his brother to make sure you were okay.”

Ben’s eyes narrow. “Why would you need to check on us? We were fine. ”

This is so messed up. “Because someone left a note threatening me.” I shake my head as I hear my words repeat back to me.

“A threat?” Ben stammers. “Jesus Christ, Eva. What have you gotten into?”

I jam my eyes closed. “It’s nothing to do with me.” I hope.

“This is a fucking joke.” Ben turns and leaves me in a state of shock as the curtain sounds like it’s going to rip from the rails.

Making sure Liam is sleeping peacefully, I carefully remove my hand from his, moving to the chair and slumping down into the sterilised leather. Guilt flows from my eyes and my hands cover my face. I can’t stop the onslaught of my tears as the consequences of my decision to be with Luke, play out before me.

When my phone vibrates, I manage to pull it out with a trembling hand to see there’s a message from Jamie.

Eva! I landed the contract abroad! We have to celebrate! x

Celebrating anything is the last thing on my mind.

Congratulations x

What’s wrong?

How can she tell?

Nothing. I’m okay. Seriously, so pleased for you. Might have to take a rain check on the partying, though

This is huge for me. I really want you there by my side x

More guilt floods my eyes, and my tears bombard me, running warm tracks over my cheeks.

I just can’t. Liam’s in hospital. It’s not a good time. I’m sorry.

I don’t get a reply, but I know she’ll be on her way. I twist my phone in my hand, contemplating messaging Luke. With fingers heavy like lead, I open a message to him and type.

Are you okay? I think we need to talk

My selfish decisions led to my baby ending up in hospital. I need to get back to focusing on the people who really need me, and not worry about my dreams. They can wait. Sure, they may never come true, but don’t we make sacrifices when we become mothers? Don’t we unwittingly put our plans on hold for the sakes of our children?

What have I done?

The nurse comes into the cubicle.

I swipe underneath my eyes, standing as she closes the curtain again.

“I wanted to check on you. See how you’re doing.”

She needn’t worry about me. “I’m fine,” I tell her, looking over my shoulder at Liam. “It’s him I’m worried about.”

“He’s a strong little boy. His oxygen levels are coming back up nicely.” She checks the machine by Liam’s bed, nodding her satisfaction.

“I don’t suppose you passed his father on your way in here?”

The nurse shakes her head apologetically. “No. Sorry, I haven’t seen him.”

I smile meekly. “Not to worry. I just want him to get checked too.”

A little confused, the nurse tilts her head, eyes tightening. “He was checked upon arrival with Liam. His oxygen levels were fine. There’s nothing for you to worry about. ”

My own confusion has me staring at her. When I realise I haven’t blinked in a long while, I clear my throat. “That’s good. I’m glad he’s okay.”

The nurse, seemingly satisfied, asks me if she can get me anything before she leaves. “No, I’m fine, thank you. I’ll go down to the café when Ben’s back.”

She nods then leaves me with my thoughts.

If someone did break into Ben’s place and tampered with the gas, why isn’t Ben suffering the same as Liam?

Because he’s a grown man and Liam isn’t even three . I slap a hand to my face, pain in my overthinking brain making my head feel numb. I work my fingers into my scalp, but it does nothing to lessen the pain.

Then I click. Ben didn’t tell me he’d been checked. What the hell is going on?

I wait for twenty minutes until he’s back in the cubicle. He strides in less angry, but I see tension still in his shoulders.

“Where have you been?” I ask him, stroking the back of Liam’s hand.

“I went to get some coffee.” He moves further into the space around us. “Any updates?”

You could say that . “No.”

“He has more colour in his cheeks.”

I hum in agreement, masking my annoyance. “He does.” Then I mechanically swivel my head to look at his. “You look pale. I still think you need to get checked.” My cold, calm voice has him staring at me.

“For the last time, I’m fine.”

Oh, I know . Still, deception is the only way I fear I’m going to find out the truth. “Did you get much sleep last night?”

One of his hands pulls on the back of his neck. “Some.”

“I sent you a text, but you didn’t reply.”

He skates his eyes over mine. “It was late by then.”

I smile a little sinisterly, hoping I’m unnerving him. The tell-tale signs being presented before me are rattling my nerves. I fear we’re about to enter the place we’ve been so many times before. “It wasn’t late.” I shrug one shoulder, keeping my voice low.

Ben moves, his fingers twitchy. “Well I must have already been asleep.”

“You read it. ”

He has no comeback. No answer. No way out.

When he looks anywhere around the room but in my eyes, I tell him, “Look at your son.”

He blows out his breath, the air vibrating as it expels. Licking his lips, he tries to hide the tangled truth that’s begging to slip off his tongue.

“Look at your son and tell me you looked after him properly last night.”

“I did. I looked after him—”

“Look at him , and tell me you did everything you’re supposed to do as his father.” My tone is more forceful. Each word spoken with a strength that only comes when it involves your child.

Ben can’t look at him, and when he lets out a sigh, all I can do is drop my head, filling my lungs with air as my head starts to spin. It’s like I’ve downed an energy drink in one go. Vicious beats of my heart pump behind my ribs with such force, each one feels momentarily blinding. I can’t see. It’s just black and disorientating.

In my silence, Ben starts giving me his speech. “It was only meant to be a few drinks. Liam was asleep and a few of the guys came over.”

Fury and anger spring to life. “Which ones?” I grit my teeth together, not wanting to explode like I fear I’m going to.

“Dave, Ian—”

“You had your old dealer come over for drinks? Let me guess, one drink led to two, two led to a bag of weed and a few lines.” Simmering rage starts to boil within me.

“Eva, you know—”

I cut him off again. “—I know that once you start that shit, you’ll never stop.” I look up at him. “I got hurt because of your addiction, and coming back to you, that was a mistake. One I’ll never make again. But your son? He isn’t old enough to know how lousy you are. And he got hurt because of you!”

Relief tries to calm my anger, casting a protective veil over the turmoil that was eating away inside me. This has nothing to do with Luke, and everything to do with Ben.

I hear Ben start crying. It’s a sound I haven’t heard before. Distraught sobs leave him, and my need to check they’re not crocodile tears, kicks in .

Chancing a glance his way, he can’t look at me.

“I’m sorry.”

The fight in me makes me want to swing my fists. “Are you?” Because I’ve heard it all before. Regardless of what he says next, this will be the last time I let him walk all over me.

He nods.

“Explain to me then how Liam got this sick.” I can’t believe my son is lying here because of his father.

More tears. More suppressed heaves as he makes no attempt to dry his leaking eyes. “It was from the hob.”

The hob? “I don’t understand.”

He shakes his head, wiping a hand down the front of his face. I can’t stand his woe is me act, but I bite my tongue, feeling my phone vibrate in my pocket. I leave it for now, knowing I need to hear this. “They had something new.”

“Something new that required a gas hob?” When his frightened gaze meets mine, raw panic grips his eyes. The colour drains from my face. Why didn’t I spot the signs before?

Flicking my eyes down, he makes no attempt to cover the marks on his arms. No attempt to hide the evidence of his betrayal. “Smack?” I say quietly. “You thought you’d try smack whilst our son was sleeping in the next room?” Ben’s place isn’t massive, but Liam’s bedroom is the closest to the kitchen.

“I had one hit and it knocked me out. I woke up to Liam crying in his bed. Oh, God, Eva.” He crumbles to the floor, unable to hold his pathetic frame any longer. “What have I done?” Wrapping his arms around himself, he rocks back and forth, his head buried against his legs which are bent towards his body.

“Get out.” I keep my voice low for Liam’s sake, but my inner turmoil scratches underneath the surface again, begging me to unleash it.

“Eva.”

“Leave.” I refuse to shout. I refuse to blow up and scream at him. I’ve done that every other time and it’s never worked. No. Now’s the time for something new. Something he hasn’t experienced before. My anger is flowing out of me in a way that even I feel is chilling.

“But— ”

“I said, leave.”

Ben eventually stands at the same time that Liam’s hand lifts to rub his eye.

A heavy sigh leaves me, and I close my eyes knowing Liam will need to see his dad before he leaves for good. “When he wakes up fully,” I whisper, hearing Ben’s breath get caught. “You tell him you’ll be back when you can.” My eyes flick to his. “But you don’t come back until you’re clean. Until you’re working a steady job and have sorted out your life.”

He regards me, and it’s the first time I think he takes me seriously. “You mean, you’ll let me back?”

My head twists side to side. “Only when you become the father he needs you to be. Until then, you don’t come anywhere near him.”

Liam opens his eyes momentarily, not fixing on either of us.

I speak lower this time. “You need help, Ben. There’s no point sugar coating it any longer. All you have done is sponge off me, and like a fool, I’ve let you. This time, I won’t.”

A weird sensation grips my soul. A freeing sensation as though a sudden weight has been lifted.

“Alright,” Ben replies, drying his eyes before Liam wakes up. “Thank—”

I hold my hand up. “I don’t want your thanks. This is for Liam. Not me.”

He doesn’t say anything else as we both watch Liam wake up. He sits bolt upright, trying to remove the mask on his face.

“Leave it on, baby. It will make you feel better.” Tears threaten to leave him, but when Liam sees me, he listens, his sleepy eyes blinking, struggling to stay open as I readjust the straps on his face.

In his semi-awake state, he looks at his dad who’s reddening eyes are misting over once more. They gaze at each other, and if it wasn’t for the way Liam’s eyes light up at seeing his dad, I’d force Ben to leave right this instant. But instead, I watch on, wondering what Liam’s thinking.

I can see Ben’s thoughts. He’s hoping as much as I am that he can make the changes he needs to make. And perhaps he knows as well as I do, that he’s on his own now. No more being propped up. No more handouts. No more money. If he wants to be in his son’s life, only he can do it. Only he can attend therapy or speak to a drug councillor who’ll be able to help him .

“Can I wait until he’s sleeping before I go?” Ben asks me.

Liam turns his head on the bed, scratching his ear as he looks at the blinking machine next to him. He’s taking it all in, oblivious to what’s really happening.

“I’ll grab some coffee and wait outside. When I’m finished, you go.”

Ben sucks in a breath, not getting the time he wants, but knowing it’s all he deserves. Attempting to show his understanding, he gives me a pitiful smile.

I don’t return it, kissing Liam’s head in a flurry.

He looks at me. “Bingo,” he says, the sound of his voice being weakened by the vital oxygen blowing in his face.

I smile, kissing him again. He smells sweet and like himself, even though he’s clearly running a slight fever. “Shall I call Nanny and ask her to bring Bingo?”

He nods.

“Okay, baby. You stay here with Daddy, and I’ll be right back.” I straighten, casting my gaze to Ben, making sure to hold his for as long as I can. I want him to know this is his very last—one and only chance—to ensure he stays in his son’s life. “I’ll be back soon.”

And then I leave, my chest heaving as I hear Liam giggle. It’s a beautiful sound, one I want to hear every day.