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Chapter Fourteen

Eva

Jamie grabs her bag off the side as Mum begins following me into the kitchen.

“Come on, seriously. You won’t come with me?”

“Yeah, I’m sure, Mum,” I say exasperated. I pick up Liam and drop a kiss on his head. He doesn’t look up as I put him back on the floor with his toys. “Thanks for the offer, but I can’t.” I look at Mum.

Her hands wring around the mug she’s holding. “Okay, love. But it might be the best thing for him. And sooner or later, you need to realise that.”

I smile at her happiness. “No, it’s not, but I like your optimism.”

“Just trying not to dwell on things. That’s all.”

My hands drop to my sides. I let my shoulders drop too. “I’m sorry.”

“I know you are.” She sips her tea. “What time are you back later?”

I swing my black handbag over my shoulder. I’m dressed in my black jeans and converse, a long shirt tucked in and rolled up at the sleeves. “I finish at five. Ben will collect Liam.”

“Alright, love. Nice to see you, Jamie.”

Jamie waves her hand, flicking her designer scarf over her shoulder. “See you later, Mrs Robinson.”

I walk to Mum and give her a hug. “Love you.”

“Love you lots like jelly tots.” She gives me a squeeze. “If you change your mind, we’re visiting the place next Sunday.”

I try not to show any signs of my discomfort. “I’ll think about it. ”

When she pulls back, her hands quickly cup my face. “The home will be good for him.” I can see she means it will be good for her too.

A great pang grips my heart. “But it’s not by the sea.”

Mum’s eyes prickle with her tears. She lets my face go, nodding and understanding how important a change like this could be.

I go to turn but stop myself. “I’ll read the brochure.”

Her eyes close with a long blink. She turns and picks it up off the side, holding it out for me. “Thank you.”

Reluctantly, I slip it out of her fingers. “I’ll call you later.”

“Bye, love.”

I walk out the house with Jamie, blowing a kiss at Liam as I go. “Thanks for giving me a ride.”

Jamie waves her hand, her keys jangling. “Oh, don’t sweat it. We should be grateful, I suppose.”

The fact Ben has my car to go to a job interview should make me feel better. The fact that this is his twelfth interview, does not. “Think he’ll get this one?”

Jamie sighs as we get in her Mini. “I hope so. He seems better lately, don’t you think?”

“I guess.” Ben certainly hasn’t had the money to fund any drug habit he may have had. Not now he has to pay for Liam.

“Those few days with you while he waited for the keys to his flat seemed to help.”

I scoff as we start heading towards my work. “Worst few days of my life. One child is hard enough to look after. Much preferred my last housemate.” I give her a soft nudge.

Jamie’s face drops. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologise. It’s nice to see you finally settling down.”

She shakes her head. “It’s only taken three years.”

“Still. You seem happy.” I look in the mirror as I apply some lip balm.

A tittering laugh escapes her. “I am. Things are finally falling into place, plus, he’s nice now.”

“You mean he’s rich. ”

She half shrugs. “So, a little money helps.” She’s still chuckling to herself when we stop at some lights. Her now rich boyfriend is in the banking business, or so she tells me. I’ve never met him. Things weren’t always good between them, so Jamie never brought him round to our place. Suited me. I thought she could do better from the sound of things. Still, he seems to finally be making her happy by buying her the luxuries that keep her sated.

“You heard from that guy?”

I look at her. “No.” Still leaving out how we met, I did fill her in on my night with Luke at his hotel. I may have also left out how, ever since that night, I’ve missed him like a hole in the head.

“Two weeks is nothing. Maybe he just got lost or something,” she tells me.

I laugh. She has no idea I spent every day thinking about him. “He must have gone back home. It’s fine. It wouldn’t have worked anyway.”

When I woke up, Luke still wasn’t back. The walk of shame sucked, but I surprisingly wasn’t angry. Wasn’t even sad. I left that hotel knowing that he had made up his mind. That, although he made me feel incredible, I wasn’t what he wanted. And that’s okay. What with Liam, my dad, work, and everything else in between, perhaps it’s for the best. Everything happens for a reason.

It doesn’t matter that when I’m with him, I feel most at ease. Like everything, no matter how big or how scary, becomes irrelevant. He saved me that night in the car park Jamie pulls in to, when he could have kept walking. From that moment, he carved himself into the very fibre of my being, making me feel alive and safe.

Staring at the spot he caught me in his arms, I realise Jamie’s watching at me. “Well, you can't get much worse than Ben.”

“That's true.” I laugh putting my lip balm in my bag. “He was your friend first. I actually blame you for all of this.” We both laugh but a sickly silence falls in the car, both our heads dropping.

“Sorry.”

“Shit. No, I am,” I apologise. “I didn’t mean that. If you hadn’t introduced us, I wouldn’t have Liam.”

She slowly smiles at me. “Now he I’ll take all the credit for.”

I open my door, picking up my bag .

“Want me to swing by later?”

“No, I need to read through this brochure for Mum. It will take everything I’ve got.” I climb out the car, dipping my head to look at her. “Almost forgot, good luck at work today, I’ll be thinking of you.”

“Thanks. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“You’ll do great.”

Jamie smiles. “Okay, well you know where I’ll be if you change your mind about later.”

“Yeah,” I laugh. “Under the millionaire.”

She bites her lip. “I wouldn’t say millionaire, but God I hope so.”

Shaking my head, and feeling perhaps a tiny bit envious, I close the door and make my way into work, waving at her as she drives away.

By the time I leave six hours later, I feel exhausted. Ben messaged saying he’d collected Liam and that they were on their way to get me.

Waiting outside the bar, I stand with my arms crossed, idly watching the world go about its business. A girl holds her boyfriend’s hand as they cross the road. There’s a man walking his dog and birds eating crumbs a little boy and his grandparents drop. It’s impossible to ignore the shared laughter. The joy the little boy experiences when a bird flaps its wings, landing close to him.

The pretty moment is polluted with envy as it crawls and turns into bitterness.

Will Liam ever get to hold Dad’s hand and understand the moment being shared between them? When they see each other now, Liam can’t tell his grandpa doesn’t recognise him. It’s behind Dad’s eyes where I see it most. His distance. His inability to recognise the person in front of him. His surroundings.

Reaching into my bag, I pull out the brochure of the home recommended to my mum. The image on the front has me opening it no further. It’s not the idea of him being alone, because he won’t be. It’s not even the fact that we’ll have to travel whenever we want to see him. It’s because once he goes in there, that’s it. I lose my dad forever.

I want to give him the best life, of course I do. And the direction he’s heading in, my mum can’t maintain the level of care that he needs. But for him, not having familiar things around, won’t suit him. Not seeing his paintings every day. It’s not for the best .

The thought kills me.

Staring down at the picture of the care home, a car drives past, slowing as it goes. I tear the blasted brochure in half, looking up as the car’s engine roars to life and speeds away. Four silver rings on the back catch my attention. An Audi. Luke springs to my mind. “Stop it,” I tell myself, jumping when a car horn sounds. I drop the brochure but immediately pick up the pieces and shove them in my bag, my skin breaking out in flames. I spot my car and climb in, reaching behind me, wiggling Liam’s toes. “Hey, baby.”

“Mamma,” he coos waving and smiling.

My boy.

“We need food, wipes and some milk,” Ben says flatly.

Flicking my head forward, his lip twitches. There’s suddenly a miserable current undulating around my car. “How’d the interview go?” I ask lightly, my tone breezy. I don’t know why I ask though. I see the stress oozing from him the minute I look his way.

“It didn’t.”

Right. “Well, there’s always—”

“Always next time,” he cuts me off. “You say that every time.” Ben grips the wheel hard, his jaw clenching.

“Well, what do you want me to say?” Because I will absolutely not apologise.

“Nothing. Just don’t say anything. I’ll figure something out.”

My hopes that Ben will in fact, figure something out, remain exactly where they always are. Low. To the ground.

I remain silent as his eyes start constantly flicking to me.

In the end, he caves with a huff. “You don’t believe me?” Looking out the window, I refuse to speak. “Real mature, Eva.”

Yeah. I’m the mature one. That’s right. I’m the one who does the same thing day in and day out and for what?

The tiny giggle from behind me makes me drop any animosity Ben made me feel. I laugh, turning my head.

“What?” Ben questions harshly.

I pass Liam his teddy, then face forward. “The little boy in the back won’t care what job you do. He just needs to know you care. ”

“I do care.”

“You don’t always show it. That’s what I’m saying. You don’t pull your weight.”

Ben’s eyebrows hit his hairline. “Tell me one time I haven’t pulled my weight.”

I turn towards him in my seat. “Okay.” I cross my arms. “How about every time you drop Liam at my mum’s when it’s your night to have him.” He opens his mouth, but I continue. “Or when you say you’ll come to a nursery event then call me five minutes before to say you can’t, and I later find out it’s because you were with a woman.”

He tries to stop me, and my lips part ready to hit him with my arsenal of logged times he’s been an utter shit. This time, he wins. “I said one, Eva. Christ.”

Facing forward, I see the supermarket up ahead. Not wanting to continue this any further, I point my finger. “Go in there, we can grab what Liam needs before I drop you at yours.”

“Fine.” He pulls in, and we park, putting Liam in one of the trolleys with a little seat. He loves it. Smiles brightly whenever I spin him around and make him feel like he’s driving. Cars, as well as his teddy, are this kid’s favourite things. Just like his grandpa.

“Shall we go fast?”

Liam wails with glee, and I make a noise like I’m starting my engine.

“You grab the wipes and his milk. I’ll grab some food for his dinner.”

I nod at Ben, revving my pretend engine, vibrating the trolley underneath Liam.

His hands fly above his head, and we go, zipping down the empty aisle to the nappies. The trolley begins to twirl, and I lift my toes off the ground, barely concealing my delight at seeing my boy so happy that I’m enjoying this moment with him.

Coming to a stop, I reach for the wipes, throwing them in the trolley and vibrating it once again.

“Faster, faster,” Liam gabbles, his hands gripping the handlebar.

“Ready, baby?”

He dips his head like he’s a racing driver. I smile to myself, quiet streaks of happiness spreading through me, before whizzing down to the other end of the aisle. I know on this occasion I’ve misjudged my speed when the rear end begins swinging out of control. I don’t have time to adjust as my hip swipes a shelf of creams and baby lotions.

Bottles come crashing to the floor, and I cover my mouth with my hands when the trolley finally comes to a stop, my hair whipping across my face.

I look at Liam when the noise subsides, watching his eyes until they manage to find me. Adrenaline surges through him. “Again! Again!”

I burst into laughter, quickly dipping and picking up the bottles from the floor before anyone sees. I haphazardly throw them on the shelf, reaching behind me as I look up at Liam looking down at me. When I reach behind me again, what I touch isn’t cold or plastic. It’s warm and gentle, a familiar current zipping up my arm.

I spin around like I’ve touched a live wire, my bum hitting the deck when I see the man crouched down in front of me. He found me. Again.

“Remind me never to let you behind the wheel of my car.”

My stomach drops. My jaw practically hits the floor. It’s his eyes which still have the power to captivate me and manage to hold me to ransom. So dark and yet incredibly luminous, the round holes I find myself staring into, swallow me up.

I blink when Liam shuffles in his seat by my head.

Luke’s wearing a suit, the navy-coloured jacket open, the first few buttons of his shirt undone. I now have a clear view down his chest seeing the intricate lines of the ink painted across his beautiful skin.

My thoughts jumble like a labyrinth. My chest concaves. My head feels light.

He extends his arm, turning his hand over for me to take.

I look down, every part of me wanting to refuse his help. Yet for some wild, unknown reason, I accept it.

Sliding my hand into his, the flux of warmth and familiarity instantly brings me out in goosebumps, causing a shudder to ripple through my body.

His hold is firm. Confident. He pulls me to my feet, and we stare at each other, our hands still joined. Our body language doesn’t mirror our touch, though. So united and strong, his eyes perform their own tango trying to keep up with mine .

I can’t figure him out. Can’t understand why these stupid moments between us—which feel so right, always end up so wrong.

Through disbelief, I look down at our hands, wanting—but in no way attempting, to pull mine free. I double take, noticing Luke’s giant watch and more so, the new giant scar which throws the tattoo on his hand out of alignment.

When I look up, Luke smiles sheepishly, letting go of my hand. “What happened to you?” He puts his hand in his pocket like his question fits. He’s the one who bailed on me, not the other way around.

My head slightly shakes side to side with suspicion. “Nothing,” I reply, nervously putting my hands in the back pockets of my jeans, mirroring his actions. “What happened to you?” I gesture to his hand, my eyes flicking down.

He pauses. “Everything.”

My head jerks, and Luke inclines his to me. Everything? What does he mean by everything? My eyes dart down again to where his hand is hidden, then I turn, distracting myself, quickly checking on Liam. He has tiny raspberries bubbling on his lips where he’s happily pretending to drive the trolley. I swivel my head back to Luke.

He flashes me his devastating smile. “You look good, Eva.”

My hand lifts to my mouth, an unbelieving smile maring my face. “You too,” I reply, before quickly adding, “Why are you here, Luke? I assumed you went home.”

He rolls his lips together which I should really stop watching him do. There’s a widening of his eyes, an uncertainty to his face suddenly. “Well I’m back. Needed to grab,” his head spins, swiping the first thing off the shelf, “this.”

We both stare at the nipple cream he’s holding. I swallow my laugh. He wants me to believe he drove two hours for nipple cream? “Um, okay, I’ll leave you to finish your shopping.” Probably needs it for some sex god party he’s throwing. My traitorous body hardens as I turn, gripping my trolley, picturing it.

Jesus.

“Eva.”

My feet stop like they’re slaves to him. Hot heat swims in my cheeks.

“Shit,” he says under his breath. “This is harder than I thought it would be.”

I slowly turn back around. “What is? ”

He looks down at his hand still holding the cream. “Apologising to you again.”

I smile, Liam’s jabbering chatter makes my heart sing its very own tune. “You don’t owe me an apology, Luke. I get it.”

He takes a quick step towards me, closing the space between us. Flashing a look to the cream, he then throws the tube onto the shelf, his embarrassment clear. I try not to smile. I can see he’s worked himself up to whatever he’s going to say. “Did you wait for me? Did you wait for me to get back?”

I glance a look away from him as another shopper walks past us. “What does it matter?” I say shyly, having already come to terms with his no show. I don’t want to relive it.

Running a hand over the back of his neck, he truly looks troubled. “It matters because I tried to make it back to you, but things got… complicated.”

I want to ask why two weeks were allowed to slip away, but I don’t. “It’s fine, Luke, really.”

“No, it’s not fine, Eva. Nothing is fine about me walking away from you and leaving you how I did.” His voice is edgy. Mad.

“And yet, that’s what happened,” I speak softly, no contempt in my words.

He shakes his head, this time running a hand through his hair.

“I get it you know.” His eyes shoot up. “You saw my scar, saw that I have bigger things to think about and decided it’s not for you. That’s okay. I get it. Kids aren’t easy.”

Luke jolts, stunned. “Are you being serious? You think that’s what happened?”

I purse my lips also hearing Liam begin to sound bored. “Isn’t it?”

“No,” he snaps angrily.

My eyes narrow, frustration growing. “Then what did?”

His own frustration replaces his anger. “Things that, even in my wildest dreams I wouldn’t know where to begin explaining to you. But I want to, Eva, if you’ll let me try.”

“There you are.”

I spin around seeing Ben with pasta and various vegetables in his hands.

“Who’s this?” he asks, placing the food items in the trolley, his eyes firmly locked on Luke .

“This is Luke,” I say, if not a little cautiously. “He’s…” Shit. He’s a what? Lover? Ew, no. Ex partner? Christ.

“Old friend,” Luke says for me, no other pleasantries being offered to Ben.

A three-way standoff ensues. The air crackles and simmers making me edgy and unexpectedly nervous. “Okay,” I jump, unable to withstand whatever tornado of drama I’ve found myself caught up in. “Time to go.” I try to encourage Ben to start walking.

“Eva, wait.” Luke’s hand is on my elbow, stopping me in my tracks.

Ben turns rigid, but I smile as best as I can whilst Luke’s touch tears through my resolve. “Go, I’ll catch up.”

Ben regards Luke with nothing other than distaste, and I can’t help but eye roll him. Luke is every woman’s fantasy. I know it. He knows it. And clearly Ben knows it too.

“Go,” I say again.

He turns and finally leaves us, but not before looking over his shoulder at me.

I wait until he’s firmly out of sight before I bring myself to face the man who, yet again, I can’t seem to escape.

“Who is that?” Luke says possessively, making my mouth snap closed. I would have said it was fairly obvious, but given how unhinged Luke suddenly looks, I’m not sure I should answer.

Still, I reply, “Liam’s dad.”

Luke breathes out, the low rattle of his breath shaking can clearly be heard. “You’re with him?” he throws at me, before taking a deep breath and adding, “But he was there.”

“Where?” I ask, eyes scrunching.

Luke rubs his short beard, the tiny hairs giving him a five o’clock shadow. “The fucking night you were stabbed, Eva. He was there.”

I try to keep a level expression. “So what if he was?” I reply, my guard going up like a brick wall. Luke has no right to question this.

Luke turns like he’s trying not to explode. When he turns to face me again, all I see is power. Dominance. “He ran past me, away from where you were. Please don’t tell me he had anything to do with what happened to you that night?” His entire body shakes. His fists clench by his sides .

Shame washes over me. “It’s not that simple.” My head drops, but I see Luke double take when my hand begins to fiddle with my bag hung across my shoulder. “After you left, I turned to someone to try and forget you. To try and make myself feel better.” It shouldn’t have been Ben. I know that. But it was, and for right or wrong, I can’t go back and change things now.

His flawless jaw is ticking. “Did it work? Did you forget me?”

I look up at him, perspiration shines on his forehead. “I tried,” I say on a lost breath.

“Jesus Christ, Eva. He should be…” his voice fades.

“What?” I question. “Locked up? Thrown behind bars?” My dig has Luke’s gaze narrowing on mine in a way I’ve never seen before. It’s bleak.

“Dead, Eva. He should be dead for what he did to you—leaving you how he did.”

My face drops. “You’re not serious?”

“Am I not? Any man who could do that, shouldn’t be allowed to breathe the same air as you, let alone raise your son.”

I don’t want to say my next words, but I do. “What about a man who leaves, not once, but twice after being with me?”

His head drops but he’s quickly looking me straight in the eye.

“What does he deserve for how he made me feel? Like no matter what happens next, I’ll never be enough for him.”

He lets out a sigh, his hand pinching the bridge of his nose. “It wasn’t like that. You’ve got it all wrong.”

“Wrong? Luke, up until thirty seconds ago, I was actually okay with waking up and finding the bed empty. For calling my ride home and having to explain why I was alone. I’ve already lost whatever game this is you’re playing, so put me out of my misery and tell me why you’re back here.”

“This isn’t a game, Eva.” He closes the already limited space between us. “I had to fight to get me and Adam out of where we found ourselves. But before they could really torture us, I learned a valuable lesson.”

I flinch, unable to compute what he’s saying. We’re standing in the middle of a supermarket aisle and he’s used the word torture. None of this makes any sense. “What lesson, Luke? I don’t understand. ”

“Why don’t you guess,” he says half serious, half sarcastically.

I’m rooted to my spot by his hollowed gaze. Unsure whether he’s insulting me by trying to scare me, or reflecting his anger because he thinks I’m with Ben, I throw caution to the wind, answering the only way I know how to with us. “That owning a cleaning company isn’t for you.”

You’d need a microscope to spot the lines dispelling on his head. It’s not much, but I see them. Our way. Who we are… he gets it.

He lowers his head to mine, and his smell has me breathing him in. It’s manly. Intoxicating. “I learned that life is too short to be anything other than your everything.”

My eyes close as I draw in a breath. “You don’t mean that.” He can’t.

“Don’t tell me what I do and don’t mean, Little Warrior. I’ve known you’re the one I need since the first look.”

Me? He needs me? Sensibility wins the niggling battle being played out in my head. “Our worlds are too far apart, Luke.” I may have guessed it before, but I certainly know it now.

He leans closer, kissing my head.

I swallow, not expecting it.

“We’re more alike than you think, Eva.” Our eyes meet when he straightens, our two worlds colliding. “We’re both doing whatever it takes to survive, when really, we know the only way to feel alive is with each other.”

My head and my heart swoop. “I—”

He slides his hands into the back of my hair, immobilising me, capturing me unprepared. “I know I haven’t shown it, but it’s just a matter of time before you realise the only man you need is standing right in front of you.”

It’s as though my feet are once again lifting off the ground. When I look up, my hopes soar. Happiness trembles inside of me. “I don’t need any time,” I spill out, pushing to my tiptoes, my hands gripping his arms.

Luke pulls my mouth to his, wanting to lose himself, but relents hearing a passer-by pushing their trolley. “I need you, Eva.”

I smile as he places a kiss on the corner of my mouth. “Not here. I have to get back to Liam. ”

He kisses me again. “Absolutely not here,” he laughs, dotting addictive kisses on my mouth. “Meet me later?”

I lean into his next kiss before ripping myself free of him. I walk away, my hand pointlessly adjusting my hair as I go.

“How will I find you, Eva?”

I spin on my heels, still walking backwards.

He runs his thumb over his bottom lip, his eyes so fixated on me, I think I’m going to combust under his stare.

“You know where I live.”

He laughs, both hands then slipping into his pockets in the sexiest move I’ve ever seen.

“Pick me up at seven.”

“Until then, Little Warrior.”

I’m practically a dripping mess when I make it back to Ben. Managing to finish our shopping, we checkout, avoiding each other’s eyes until I’m getting Liam out of the car, back at his. “I’ll see you in the morning, baby boy.”

Liam hugs me, holding on a fraction longer than usual. I don’t let go until he’s ready, looking over at Ben grabbing the bags.

When Liam seems satisfied that he’s had his fix, he pulls back, his eyes with dark circles underneath.

I press a hand to his head. “You okay, baby?”

Raspberries appear on his lips as he attempts to answer me.

“He’s a little hot,” I tell Ben, taking Liam’s hand and walking him to the front door of Ben’s flat. Loud music pumps out from the adjacent building, making me look up at the window. Unease swamps me.

“He’ll be fine with me, Eva. I’m his dad. Or have you already forgotten?”

Ignoring Ben’s dig, I let go of Liam’s hand, and he begins jumping on the Spiderman doormat he loves so much.

“Please call me if he’s sick.”

“Thought I shouldn’t do that if it’s my night?”

I wait for him to pull out his keys. “Don’t be a twat,” I mutter under my breath, handing him Liam’s bag. “Give him Calpol if he needs it and call me. ”

He takes it, pulling it from my hand with a little more gusto than I think either of us were expecting.

My eyes widen at his stupidity. “I know what’s eating you, and quite frankly, it’s none of your business. Don’t drag our son into your bullshit.”

“Who was he, Eva?”

I smile as best I can. He can’t be serious. “Like I said, he is none of your business.” Because the truth is, I don’t know what Luke is. I don’t know what will come of us. But right now, he is what I want. “I’ll see you in the morning.” I lean down, placing a kiss on Liam’s head. “Night, baby.”

“Bye, Mamma.” Then he walks inside, and I watch as he goes with not so much as one care nor worry in the world.