Page 34 of Actions and Reactions (All It Takes #5)

Silas

December

I’m painfully aware that my time in New Hope is coming to an end and that there’s one more thing I need to deal with before I can graduate.

Annie decided to stay a little longer, but Consuelo left just yesterday—the neighbors she’d told us about came by to pick her up—and we got two new patients last week right after Thanksgiving.

Serena is a second grade teacher who hid all her students during a school shooting, and Harold is a sweet eighty-seven year old man who got into a car accident last month and lost his wife and his dog.

Their stories are brutal and they remind me and Annie of when we first got here. They look so lost and sad all the time. Having Annie here helps me because I’m not the only one who’s here to “show them the ropes” when they have their first group sessions.

It’s becoming clearer and clearer to me that this place has changed the way I look at the world, and the clearest sign is when Annie and I start spending our free time in the common room playing boardgames.

Our favorite is Battleship, and she’s really damn good at finding my ships no matter how hard I try not to put them in obvious places.

“I’m glad you’ve become friends,” Dave says when he finds us there after breakfast.

“Silas is cool,” is all Annie says.

“You only say that because you always beat me at this stupid game.”

“Maybe,” she says, smug as all hell. It’s a good look on her.

“Dr. Conway’s waiting for you,” Dave tells her, then he nods toward the windows and I follow him to his office.

“I think I need to tell my parents,” I blurt out before he’s even sitting.

“About?”

“You know what.” I huff out a breath and go to the couch. “It’s time, and I think if I don’t tell them while I’m here then I’m either never going to tell them or I’ll just yell it at them someday.”

“All right.” The stupidly calm tone really is so fucking annoying, and I tell him so right to his placid-ass face. He laughs at me, because of course he does. “Laughter is the cure for most troubles, Silas.” He uses what I call his wise voice, and I know he’s right, so...

“So you think it’s a good idea? To tell them?”

“I think you’re right that it’s something you need to address,” he confirms. “You want to do it this Sunday?”

That’s only two days away, but since it’s the first Sunday Lottie won’t be here, since she couldn’t get out of going on this roadie, I think the timing is pretty perfect.

“Yes.”

“All right then, let’s prep.” He looks way too excited about this. It’s probably going to be depressing as hell.

“So I wanted to talk to you guys about something.” I rub my palms over my thighs, trying to get rid of some of this nervous energy that’s really not helping me keep my voice steady.

“Sure, is everything okay?” Dad looks at Dave and me, then back to Dave, and I really feel bad for him. He’s not had the best time over the past few months, seeing me hurt has hurt him a lot, and we both deserve the chance to put all this behind us.

I don’t want him to worry about me hurting myself, or over my happiness. I want him to trust that he’s done right by me and that I’m going to have a good life.

Logically, I know that’s what they want from me, but buried deep in my brain there’s always been this idea that he wanted something else more .

“I think talking about this will help Silas keep moving forward,” Dave says, and for once his calm voice doesn’t bother me, because I see it has the desired effect on my parents.

“Okay, here it goes,” I whisper, trying to hype myself up. “So, while I’ve been here, at New Hope.” I point to the ground. “Working out all my shit.” I gesture to my chest. “With Dave?—”

“We get it,” Dad interrupts before I can point at Dave.

“All right, all right. So one thing we’ve figured out is that since I was very little, my whole identity’s been tied to hockey.

Playing hockey more specifically, and that was because…

” I let out a sigh and cover my face. I really don’t like that this is a fact about myself.

“I thought the only reason you guys even had a second child was because you wanted me to be a professional hockey player.”

There’s a beat of silence that goes on just long enough that I peek between my fingers.

“You think we wanted a boy who could play in the NHL,” Dad says, and yeah, it sounds very accusatory.

“Silas,” Mom gasps.

“I’m going to address the rest of it later, but this is so unfair to your sister, Silas. She’s the most accomplished hockey player in history!” he shouts. “She did in seven years what I couldn’t do in thirteen.”

There’s that ego , I think to myself, but let it go because he’s not lying. Lottie’s only “peer” when it comes to her accomplishments is Dad, even though Jules is closing in. Give him one more Stanley Cup and another gold medal at the Olympics and he could tie with Lottie.

“I know,” I mumble. “I think she’s pretty awesome too, and this is mainly why I didn’t want her here for this, because this isn’t really the point I’m trying to make.”

“You think we don’t value her just as much as we value you? Or valued you when you were kids? That we don’t love her as much?” he keeps ranting. “You can be sure that right now, at this moment, I’m prouder of her than I am of you.”

“Paul,” Mom chastizes him, though the tone of Dad’s last words is enough for me to know he doesn’t really mean that.

“What? He’s being an asshole.” Dad turns to Mom, and I get that to them I could seem like an asshole right now, but...

“I don’t mean to be,” I shout now too. “All these thoughts took root in my head when I was just a kid, when I didn’t even know what misogyny was, and the NWHL wasn’t even a thing yet.

This isn’t me being misogynistic, no matter how much you think it is.

This is me thinking you wanted a mini copy of the great Paul Wayne and that I had to be just that to make you proud and happy and have your love, and worst of all, it was all mostly unconscious! ”

Dad seems too stunned to respond to that at first, but then he rubs his face and mutters, “Fuck.”

Yeah, that was my reaction too .

Mom’s sob takes me right out of my head. This really couldn’t have gone any worse .

“Please don’t cry, Mom,” I beg. “I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. I know you guys love me, I do?—”

“We fucked up so bad, Paul.” The fact that she sounds more angry than sad helps my brain.

“Yeah. We sure did.” Dad keeps rubbing his face for a long moment and I look helplessly at Dave. Why hasn’t he said anything?

He makes a “slow-down” motion with his hands, and that reminds me to breathe.

I have to let them explain what they’re feeling now, and we can have a rational conversation about this.

Looking down at her hands, Mom breathes in deeply and begins.“There’s something we never told you two because... well, because frankly it was very painful, and your Dad was always protecting me?—”

“Elle—”

“You were!” Mom snaps at Dad. “And I’m good now, so we should just tell them.

We’ll tell Charlotte too, but we’re here now, so.

..” She pauses for another huge intake of air and then looks me right in the eyes.

“I had a really hard time after Lottie was born, like emotionally.” I nod to show her I understand.

“Your father and I always wanted a house full of kids.” Her smile is so fucking sad it breaks my heart.

“We always talked about it, and I don’t know why it happened, but after your sister was born I wasn’t myself for a long time.

Your Dad helped as much as he could, as did your grandma, and I got better, but slowly. ”

My mind doesn’t even know where to race to when she pauses again, but I see Dad take her hand and squeeze it tight enough for their knuckles to go white.

“We got pregnant again sooner than we’d planned, and I was as happy as I could possibly be about it, I promise you. But I had a miscarriage. And then six months later another, and then another.”

“God, Mom.” I breathe out the words. That sounds like fucking torture.

“It was brutal,” she confirms and nods sadly.

I’ve always known my mother was a badass, but the fact that she keeps looking straight at me reminds me that she’s also fucking strong.

“So we stopped trying completely. I thought we were done having kids, and though we had wanted more before, we were both okay with that decision. Then one day I didn’t get my period and we found out I was pregnant again. With you, honey.

“I was so scared .” And I can hear it in her words.

“All day, every day until the doctors put you in my arms I was petrified. I barely left the house, and only Lyla knew. We didn’t tell Hulk until I couldn’t possibly hide it anymore.

But when they put you in my arms, Si, I knew that I would cherish y-you—” She stops herself when another sob comes out.

Dad wraps his arm around her and brings her into his chest, and he keeps it going.

“We said the day you were born that we were blessed with two beautiful, perfect children, and that we would only ever be grateful to get a front row seat to watch you grow. There hasn’t been a day since that that hasn’t been true. ”

“I’m sorry that you ever had even a second of doubt over our love for you, Si. You could’ve hated hockey,” Mom continues, unable to stop the tears now. “Absolutely hated it, and we never would’ve cared. You could’ve become an accountant?—”

“Or played football,” Dad adds, making me chuckle and Mom come out of her grief long enough to roll her eyes at him.

“Or anything else in the whole world and we wouldn’t have cared for a second.

We don’t care what you do. Yes, we were amazed at how much you cared about hockey, how important it was to you, and of course we were proud of how dedicated you were, but it was never about the what, it was about the how. ”

“Please believe me when I tell you we’re as proud of how hard you worked for your degree and the career you have now as we were when you were fourteen and were already skating circles around the pros.”

Dad’s words are nice, I appreciate them of course, but it’s the look on his face, that absolute desperation and hope mixed in his eyes, that gets me to the point where I can believe them. Internalizing this will take a lot longer, though.

After those declarations, what is there left to say?

Well, I can think of one thing.

“Thank you.” I reach for Mom’s free hand and then offer my other one to Dad. “Both of you, for everything you’ve given me. I know I’ve given you a lot of worry, and I’ll do everything in my power to never give you a reason to worry over me ever again.”

After that session, therapy gets exponentially easier. I get to actually enjoy exploring every aspect of myself and what I want of my future.

The last two weeks of my time at New Hope fly by, and I can’t believe I’m actually going to go back home. I’m not as excited about that as I thought I’d be three months ago, or well, there’s not only excitement but also so many fucking nerves.

Vinny and I have stayed in contact, that’s true, but we haven’t talked about us at all , and that makes me beyond nervous.

It’s all up in the air.

If I take into account how we left things, then we’re broken up. But then the texts after and the fact that he tells me he misses me every day suggest we’re not completely broken up.

I tell him too, of course, because every day something happens that I wish I could tell him in detail.

“Please tell me something to distract me,” I beg Annie while she’s waiting with me until three so I can get my phone and see what Vinny has texted since yesterday. She never gets her phone, but she’s always here with me.

“I want to drop out,” she blurts, and I can’t even turn fully to look at her before she’s babbling away so fast I can barely understand a word.

“I don’t have anyone here who cares about me.

My family in Montana don’t give two shits about me, and you’re the only friend I’ve made in years.

So I don’t know what I’ll do, but I want to go to Vegas with you.

I talked about it with Dr. Conway, and she doesn’t love the idea, only because I’m springing this on you and you’re a good person and you could maybe feel pressured to take care of me when you don’t really want to.

But I think we could both use a good friend.

“You can’t really count Vinny as your friend anymore, since you finally figured out you’re in love and everything, so what do you think?

” She keeps going before I can answer. “I think I could go to the community college there, since I don’t think Albert has a great swimming program, and I mean, I can always go into sex work.

” My heart drops to the bottom of my stomach and it must show on my face.

“That was a joke!” she shouts and holds up her hands.

“A bad one, sorry. I could never do that, not ... yeah, no. But I can work at one of those chapels where people get married or in retail or something?—”

“Stop,” I tell her, almost begging. “Jesus Annie, take a breath.” I take one with her and think it through.

This is not something I can decide on impulse. Like she said, doing this out of pity or some sense of savior complex would be wrong. She deserves better, and she doesn’t need saving.

But I am leaving in two days, so ...

“Just let me think about this. I want to talk to Dr. Conway. ”

“Yes, of course!” She jumps up like she’s ready to run. “You can go see her now, she should still be here.”

As we power walk to her office, I turn and mutter, “And I’ll always count Vinny as my friend, but you’re my friend too, and I’ll never feel pressure to help you out. I want to help in any way I can, but only if it’s actually going to help.”

“Look, Dr. Conway agrees that I need a change. Everyone kept giving me awful looks and stayed away from me after I freaked the fuck out and almost drowned that motherfucker, so I really don’t want to go back there.

” We stop in front of the closed door and face each other.

“You’re literally the only person in the world I’m close to, Silas. You’re the only one I have.”

“I get that, Annie, of course I do. But that only makes this situation trickier.”

She rolls her eyes.

“Come on, you’ll see.”