Page 24 of Actions and Reactions (All It Takes #5)

Just constant heartbreak over never being able to get the only thing he ever wanted. Because playing in the NHL was the only thing he wanted.

And I got it.

And he’s had to watch me relish it this year, firsthand.

That has to be brutal, it has to burn to his core, and knowing it brings me no joy at all. It actually breaks my heart all over again, because does that mean we can’t be together unless I give up hockey? Will he have to stay away from the sport we love, and by consequence, me?

He would hate me if I gave it up.

He hates me because I have it .

It’s a no-win situation and there are literally no answers as far as I’m concerned.

When I wake up, I’m not sure I slept a whole hour, but since Mom’s a very generous soul, she not only makes sure I’m awake but also gives me “a ride” to LA.

It means an hour and a half more of travel for her, but she insisted, and I’m too grateful to protest too much.

I smile, like I always do when Mom throws her arms around Dad and hugs the life out of him, then she kisses his cheeks and runs back to the jet so she can leave.

She kisses my cheek too on her way up the stairs.

“See you on Wednesday, baby.”

“Have a nice time, Mom.”

Dad greets me with one of his enveloping hugs and sways me from side to side for a solid thirty seconds. Then he looks me over, long enough to have me squirming, but he must be pleased with what he sees because he grabs my duffel and leads me to his SUV.

I know my parents’ relationship seems weird to other people, and of course it was strange for Lex and me too when they first divorced, but we got over that quickly because as far as we’re concerned, they didn’t change at all.

Growing up, we saw them hold hands and hug and be playful with each other, but I don’t remember ever seeing them kiss on the lips. They still love each other the same, but Michael is Mom’s one true love while Dad is her best friend.

I’m grateful that Michael understood this before we did, and that he’s become a friend to Dad as well, because if he hadn’t, I’m sure our lives would be very different. Mom only divorced Dad after she met Michael and realized it was love at first sight.

Is that what Silas and I are? Just two best friends and nothing more?

He doesn’t have any experience with other men, so what if he falls in love at first sight with some other dude someday?

I doubt I’d be able to deal with that as well as Dad has.

“You okay, Vin?” I snap back to reality and see we’re already on the highway on our way to my childhood home in the hills.

“Yeah, I’m—” I can’t lie. “I’m just thinking about Silas,” I admit.

“Paul told me he was a lot better when they flew out this morning. They’re taking him to this trauma center that’s supposed to be one of the best.”

“It’s a trauma center?” I demand. I don’t even know what that means.

“Yeah, that’s what it says on the website anyway. Paul sent it over and I researched it a bit.” That’s the kind of guy Dad is.

“Can you show me later?”

“Of course, son. Lex is flying in at about four, but Corinne has lunch ready and she’s working on the paella for dinner.”

I smile. I can almost taste it already.

“Thanks, Dad.”

“She was over the moon that you’re spending some time at home, and I didn’t even have to ask her to make it, she just banished me from the kitchen.”

“As always,” I tease, and get the bark of laughter I was hoping for in return.

“Ain’t that the truth.”

What I was thinking about before creeps back into my head and I can’t stop myself from asking Dad about it.

“Do you think Silas and I are like you and Mom?”

“What do you mean?” He frowns, but keeps his gaze on the road ahead.

“Like best friends who aren’t really like, soulmates.”

He takes a long moment to think about it, with his head tilted to the side.

“I don’t think anyone but the two of you can know that, son. I’m pretty happy knowing someone else is loving your Mom the way she deserves. Do you think you’d be happy if that were the case with Silas?”

“No.” I don’t even have to think about it. “It’d be worse than what I’m feeling right now.”

“And what are you feeling right now?”

“How much time do you have?” I chuckle without any joy.

“I have all the time in the world for you, son. You know that.” I sigh. I do know that.

“I’m sad, Dad. I only wanted us to be together finally.

I wanted to get our friendship back and build more, you know?

Now it feels like that’s never going to be a possibility, because I have what he wants.

How can he ever not hate me for it? I don’t even know how I ever thought this thing between us could work. ”

Well, that was a lot.

“I’ve always told you how nothing that matters is ever easy, son. You know this. I can’t tell you if Silas will ever be able to let go of his dream, but I think it’s possible. I think you two could absolutely build that life you dreamed of, but you’d probably have to find some balance.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you’re not the only one who has to work on this.

You’re not the only one who has to want it to work.

Silas has to carry his weight too, you know?

He has to believe he has something to get over before he can get over it, and you need to accept your part in all of the avoidance and then also realize that not everything is your fault. ”

“I’m the one who drove that stupid toy into the gutter,” I mumble.

“That was an honest mistake that could’ve happened to anyone.

You didn’t do anything wrong. The accident was just that, son, an accident.

The ifs and buts are endlessly in your head, I’m sure, like they’re probably in Si’s head, but you can’t change the past, and you both know neither of you wanted that to happen.

And one thing you always seem to skip over is the fact that you saved his life. ”

I did. I mean, I didn’t even think about it. The desperation was fueling my every thought and movement back then, but then...

“Then I fucked him over even more with what I told him in that hospital room. ”

“I honestly doubt that,” he protests. “He was already?—”

“That’s just it!” I interrupt. “He was already suffering so much after the news from the doctors, after his surgeries, and then I only made it worse, Dad. I told him I’d give up hockey!”

I drop the confession like a bomb and leave us both holding our breath in the silence after.

The only indication that I’ve shocked him is his open mouth, but otherwise he seems calm. I admire it so much, because I’m anything but calm, and when he clears his throat I fear what lecture he’s going to start shouting at me, but he surprises me again.

“Did you want to give up hockey?” There’s no judgement at all in his voice, not that I can tell at least.

“No,” I confess quietly. “I’m still ashamed that I even offered, honestly.”

“Well then, I’m glad you didn’t, son. I’d hate to think you’ve been working all these years on something you’re not certain you want.”

I never thought Dad would be so... okay with the thought of me giving up hockey.

“You really wouldn’t have minded?” I feel about two feet tall as I ask.

“Of course not!” he cries out. “I was very happy when you showed so much enthusiasm for it, just like Lex, but I never wanted to push you in that direction. It’s not something anyone should do because they have to.”

“You did,” I point out quietly.

“Only partly, Vin,” he sighs. “Yes, my family needed the money, but I love hockey too. I loved playing it and being the best. The money was just a very good bonus for me. I’d like to think I would’ve found another way to help my parents, but I never even thought about it.”

“The only time I thought about it was when Si told me he would never play professionally.”

“That’s all I need to know, then. I’m sorry you felt you needed to say that back then, son.”

“It’s not your fault,” I whisper.

“It wasn’t anyone’s fault,” Dad insists.

“This time it was my fault.” I continue speaking low, scared of finally saying out loud what I’ve come to realize.

“What do you mean?” he demands, sounding confused.

“Some things have happened in the past few months. We... we were together,” I blurt out, and then I can’t stop.

“Since we went to the cabin, we’ve been together, and I don’t know if he’s told his parents already so you can’t say anything, but Mom knows.

I had to tell her, because what if that’s what pushed Si over the edge?

Being with me and, you know, being closer to hockey through me?

I didn’t see the signs, Dad. I was trying so hard not to scare him away like last time that I just let a lot of things slide.

He was acting so strange one day and then completely fine the next.

He was short with me when I told Gab about us, and then this last time he was just so, so angry at me for being late to practice after I saw the pictures of Wolf online.

” I take a huge breath when I can finally shut up, and after about three seconds of silence, I twist around in my seat to look at Dad .

He’s frowning. Not angry exactly, but... hurt? Why is he hurt?

Oh God, is it because it’s the first time I’ve ever said anything about dating a man? I asked before about us being like him and Mom, but ? —

“Did you get a psychology degree I somehow forgot about?”

“What?” I reel back until my back hits the door, and I realize we’re home when Dad shifts the SUV into park.