Page 15 of Actions and Reactions (All It Takes #5)

Ivan

“The surgery should only take a couple of hours,” the kind nurse tells me. “He’ll be fine. Dr. Collins and Dr. Kekoa are great surgeons.”

I appreciate her assurance, but it’s not having a huge effect on my shattered self.

How did I not realize how badly he’s doing?

I saw his state after Bear’s wedding more than a month ago, so how?—

“Really, honey.” Her earnest, dark eyes look into me and something inside me does settle. But as soon as she leaves the private little waiting room they’re letting me wait in, everything inside me knots up again.

We only got here thirty minutes ago, and that’s because Si wouldn’t let me call an ambulance, so I wrapped his hand in frozen peas that I tied with a kitchen towel and drove him myself. They took him in for X-rays right away, and yeah... he broke so many bones in his hand.

Dr. Collins is a neurosurgeon, and she told me she’s just going to make sure there’s no nerve damage, while Dr. Kekoa is the orthopedic surgeon on call. I thought about calling Dr. Rex, the team’s surgeon, but I dismissed that idea quickly.

Because that would mean making calls before... now.

There’s no escaping it, I have to call Si’s parents, and just the thought of it makes me want to hurl. The memory of the last time I called them to tell them I was at the hospital with Si is painfully clear in mind.

And this time it’s worse, because this time it really is my fault.

“Mr. Jankowski?”

The deep voice brings me back to the present where Dr. Kekoa is standing right by me, staring down with horrifying pity in his eyes. I stand as fast as I can and look at the doctor, not ready to hear what he has to say, but I don’t have a choice.

“What is it?” My voice is rough.

“The surgery went well,” he says quickly and his face relaxes. “He’s still sleeping, and he’s got a long road to recovery ahead of him, but it went well. ”

“Ca-can I see him?” The relief of the good news is short-lived, since now I have to actually deal with... everything.

“Yes, follow me.”

Uncle Paul and Aunt Elle should be here any minute, but unlike last time the surgery was short and so I’m the one Silas will see first.

He looks just the same, apart from the bandaged hand of course, but his face is as relaxed as it always is when he sleeps.

“There’s the call button if you need anything.” Dr. Kekoa points it out, then makes a silent exit. I sit in the armchair next to the bed and take his uninjured hand in mine. Then I just stare at him.

I seriously could stare at him forever.

For better or for worse, when I think about my life, including the seven years we didn’t talk, the first thing that comes to mind is his smile.

I know it so well, no amount of time apart could change that smile. Not when it’s real and genuine.

“You should be sleeping,” he says and startles me.

Eyes still shut, his grip tightens on my hand for a long moment, and then he finally looks at me again.

There’s no pain in his eyes, but I know that’s going to change soon enough.

I know we both have to deal with what happened sooner rather than later, but I just need to take this moment, to imprint it on my mind so I’ll always have it with me.

One way or another things are going to change once we let the real world inside this room, and yeah, I’m not ready even though I’ll have to be, but we’ll do it, and we’ll be better for it.

“I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.” I cup his head with my free hand and lean in to kiss his cheek. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired.” He does sound groggy.

“That’s probably the anesthesia, but do you have any pain?”

“I barely feel anything.” His lopsided grin makes him look younger, and my heart yearns for that time when everything was so much simpler.

“Well, you can fall asleep again if you want, Si.” I kiss his forehead again then sit back. “I’m going to be right here, and?—”

“What? No, you have to go home and get a good night’s sleep.” He sounds more awake than before and angry... again.

“Si, don’t be ridiculous,” I whisper, exasperated and so tired all of a sudden. I rub my forehead and look down for a moment, trying to come up with the right words to say in this moment.

Three come to mind, but that didn’t go so well last time, so...

“I’ll tell Gab?—”

“Nothing,” he snaps. He pushes my hand away from his then presses the button to bring his bed up. “You won’t tell Gab anything because I’m fine, and so are you. You’re going to play tomorrow night, so you need to get your head in the game and not be worried about me.”

Is he fucking serious?

“How the fuck do you suppose I could do that?” I demand. “Not worry about you when you’re in the fucking hospital.”

“You have to play, Vin,” he insists, like he didn’t hear what I just said. I don’t understand why he thinks I’m not going to play, though... “I don’t need anything from you, and even if I did, you have to play because that’s the dream, isn’t it? It’s more important than anything else.”

Shock is too mild a word.

Is he seriously saying ? —

“I see you’re awake.” Dr. Kekoa comes back in and he has a woman with him this time. I spare them a glance and a greeting nod but then I have to look at Silas again.

“Mr. Wayne, I’m Dr. Kekoa and I operated on your hand.”

“Nice to meet you,” Silas says, voice somewhat normal.

How did he achieve somewhat ?

“Because of the way you injured yourself, I’ve ordered a psych evaluation. This is Dr. Denise.” He introduces the woman next to him and I look at her again. She has short white hair, and I’d put her anywhere between forty-five and sixty-five years old. I’m shit at guessing people’s ages.

“Hello, Mr. Wayne.” Her voice is as serene as her smile, and Si’s is tense.

“I don’t need a psych evaluation,” he mutters .

I snort before I can even think about it, and when I do, I don’t regret it.

What bullshit. This is all fucking bullshit.

As I look at him, I try to find the answers to questions I can’t even think of. I try to imagine what would happen if our roles were reversed.

If I were injured and he had a game the next day, would he go home to “get a good night’s sleep” for his game?

It clicks in my head then.

“It doesn’t matter that I’ve always loved you more than I love hockey,” I whisper.

I don’t think through the implications of having this conversation now, and definitely don’t give two shits about the doctors standing behind me.

“And it never will, because you love hockey more than anything , don’t you? ”

I don’t expect an answer, and I don’t get one.

Silas just stares back, and this time he looks as shocked as I felt just a minute ago.

I nod once, finally understanding what’s real.

“I suppose it’s high time I figured out if I can live with that.

” The thought alone has already shattered my heart into a million pieces.

I won’t let it show, though, not right now.

I know speaking my thoughts aloud probably isn’t helping, but I need to hear them and I’m way past hiding my feelings to avoid spooking Silas.

He needs to deal with reality too.

After one last glance for my memories, I stand and turn.

“I need to leave.” Dr. Kekoa nods through his embarrassment, which I don’t blame him for. “His parents are on their way and should be here any minute.”

“I’ll let the reception downstairs know,” he murmurs. “We’ll take care of him,” he assures me, and that pity is back in his eyes. It burns my insides with shame.

I walk out of the room without a backwards glance.

But as I’m waiting for the elevator, Dr. Denise walks briskly toward me.

“Mr. Jankowski?—”

“Just Ivan is fine,” I tell her, and she nods.

“I know this is an incredibly sensitive moment for you, and I’m sorry to have to ask, but I fear you might be the perfect person to help me get a broader view of who Silas was before the accident you told Dr. Kekoa about before surgery.”

“Alright.” I sigh and the elevator opens right then. “Can we do it quickly?” I don’t even feel bad about how pathetic I sound.

“Of course.” We step in and I press the button for the main floor. “Can you tell me what Silas was like before the accident?”

“Yeah, uh... sure.” I clear my throat and fix my gaze on the little screen above the doors.

“Silas was an easygoing guy, I guess. He was always relaxed, cocky even.” I can’t help but smile at that.

I really loved how cocky he was. “He was mischievous, but only I got to see that side of him.

I think his parents knew, because he got into trouble sometimes, but they never saw it, you know?

“When we weren’t playing hockey, we were thinking about it.

Coming up with new plays or reminiscing about awesome goals we’d scored.

We barely thought of anything else. Even when we played video games or did other stuff, we were planning our future as professional hockey players.

And he was... so fucking good .” My breath catches in my throat and I’m so damn tired all of a sudden that I don’t even bother hiding the tears that slide down my cheeks.

Not even when the elevator doors open.

Dr. Denise walks silently next to me until we’re almost at the doors, then we stop, and I just stare at the wall behind her, but all I see is us as kids having the time of our lives.

“He made me a better player, and he was always trying to be better too. He wanted to be the best. Everyone thought he would be, but he wanted it, more than anything. He was, at his core, a hockey player, and he was happy. He smiled so easily and joked around, but when it came time to play he was focused, disciplined, and yeah, the best to ever hold a stick in my opinion.”

And since I’ve played next to Jules and I’ve seen Uncle Paul play, I know what the best is today, and I know they would’ve paled in comparison to Si.

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, finally focusing on Dr. Denise’s face again.