Page 23 of Actions and Reactions (All It Takes #5)

Ivan

“They’re flying out tomorrow,” Mom says conversationally over breakfast.

I don’t have to ask who they are, and the easy tone doesn’t soften the blow.

I force the air out of my lungs and nod before going back to inhaling the omelets Mom made for me. It’s one of the few things she can cook perfectly, and what we’ve been having for breakfast for a week.

Fred leaves me some options for breakfast, but they’re few since I can always get breakfast at the rink or the arena.

Mom’s been happy with my setup, though she came here when I was traded and helped me put the apartment together four years ago. She’s told me many times that I’m probably not paying Fred enough, which is a bit insane, because she has no idea how much I pay him and I pay him more than enough.

Focusing on food and the logistics of it is easier by far than thinking about Silas leaving Las Vegas for at least three months.

He didn’t answer my texts, but I know he read them, and that has to be good enough. Knowing him, he’s just honoring my wishes, so why does it still grate on me that he didn’t write anything back?

I have no clue, and I really need to focus on something else right now.

Anything else. I don’t have space inside me right now to feel bad for him.

I do, of course, I feel like shit, and like all of this is my fault, exactly like I did seven years ago.

But the difference is that now I’m an adult and it’s my responsibility to pick myself up and figure out how things between us could ever work.

Even though Mom’s here, it’s still my job.

Once I’ve figured that out, if I find some flicker of hope somewhere, then I’m going to be able to worry about him.

“We’re playing LA Monday night,” I blurt out. It’s like a lifeline to my heart and brain.

“Your father told me.”

“I asked Gab and Laney if I could fly out tomorrow. The team is going Saturday because we have some promotional stuff to do over there, but that way I have an extra day.”

She nods and takes a sip of her coffee.

“That’s a good idea, baby. Is that why he asked Lex to fly down this weekend too? So you can have your boy time? ”

She’s hiding her smile behind her cup, but I can still hear it.

“Well, I was going to ask you if you wanted to come ...” I trail off, not knowing if that would be the right thing or not, because yeah, I do feel like spending time with my brother and father, where the only time we talk about our feelings is when one of us is yelling, you know, Neanderthal-like.

It’s not like Mom’s been hounding me to talk about my feelings since I spilled my guts last week when she arrived, and I think that satisfied her enough, but she’s looking at me with so much compassion all the time, it’s getting tiring.

I don’t know what I can say or do to make her stop, though, since I’m not okay. I haven’t thought about what I want, and I haven’t really researched delayed-onset PTSD like I said I would.

I’ve buried my head in the sand, and it’s a lot more comfortable than what I know awaits me if I open the feelings can of worms. That is one thing I have endless patience for.

“That’s a great plan, but I’m going to fly back to the city for the weekend and be back here by the time you’re home from Arizona on Wednesday.”

“That’s good,” I murmur. It does make me feel better, that she’s going to take some time away too. I know right now I’m a burden for her, no matter how much she loves me, and I know she does. But she has a whole life in New York, and it’s not right that she misses out on it .

“How do you feel about today’s game?” She asks, and I breathe easier at the topic shift.

“Vancouver’s a good team, and they’ve been getting better the last couple of seasons, but we’ve got this.” I nod with confidence. “I’m still not playing a whole lot,” I add in a lower voice.

“Have you told your teammates anything?”

“No.” This time it’s barely audible. “They asked me the other day about Silas not being there and I couldn’t even speak,” I confess.

“So they know something... delicate is going on.” Her hesitation is annoying only because I know she’s treating me with kid gloves, just like the guys have since that moment three days ago. The worst part is that I probably need it. “I think you should tell them, baby.”

“What?” I demand, reeling back. “I don’t even know what I feel, Mom. I don’t know what the fuck’s going on in my head. How the hell am I supposed to explain it to someone else?”

“By keeping it simple, Vin. You just tell them you’re heartbroken.”

Simple, yeah right.

Mom stays at my place when I go out to the rink for a very light practice before our evening game. She has some work to catch up on, she said, and I think it’s for the best.

She’s been glued to me the whole week, even coming to watch us practice.

That’s had the nice effect of some of the guys getting used to her being a normal human being—though she is the best human as far as I’m concerned.

But bringing your mom to work isn’t normal, for any job I think, and since it has been almost a week, I ought to start doing some things on my own.

Which is why I ask all the guys to gather around the locker room before practice.

“So, you guys might’ve noticed something’s been going on with me.

” I project my voice a little louder and look straight in front of me, at Bear’s forehead, so I don’t have to meet anyone’s eyes, especially not Milkman’s.

He’s the only one who really knew and is the only one I feel guilty about not telling before now.

“We have,” Mater says in a low tone.

“As some of you might know, Silas and I are—were,” I correct myself quickly.

“Together. I honestly have no clue what’s going to happen, if we’ll be together again.

We have a long, complicated history, and it’s just too convoluted to get into it, but what’s important to know right now is that Si’s going away because he’s.

..” Fuck, I don’t even know how to say it.

“He’s getting some help.” I have to stop to clear my throat.

“And as far as I know he’ll be back to work eventually.

He’s not leaving the team in a lurch.” Though right now that seems like the worst thing he could do to get better, but he did say he’d be back.

I risk a glance at Bear’s expression, and since it’s murderous I rush to keep talking.

“He also didn’t leave me in the lurch.” Not exactly anyway. “But I am going through some stuff, and I apologize for not being able to give you guys my best this past week.”

“That’s also why your Mom’s here, right?” Benny asks, and I nod in answer.

“I wish I could have my Mom around,” Twocox says thoughtfully, and when I turn I see him looking at his skates with a sad pout.

“Preach,” Bates says and shakes his head. “But you’ve not given us less than the best you can, Eagle. As far as I’m concerned you have nothing to apologize for.”

There’s a chorus of agreements around the locker room, and it feels like the boulder that was sitting on my chest eases off just a little.

“Thanks, guys.” I get sympathetic smiles at the croak in my voice, and then Benny’s jumping up and shouting.

“I have an idea!”

He spins around and then buries his face in his phone, not bothering to tell us what the fucking idea is.

A moment later, though, the new speakers Silas had installed in the locker room blare with the sharp notes of a guitar.

I sputter out a watery laugh, since it’s easily one of the most recognizable songs in the world. “Wake Me up When September Ends” by Green Day.

Benny starts singing loudly—and badly—and soon enough everyone is singing, including me. Maybe not with as much gusto as Benny, but I’m singing and I’m smiling, and when the blare of the guitar comes I don’t resist the urge to jump around and bang my head with my teammates.

When the song comes to an end I have to choke back tears, because my gratitude for all these men is overwhelming. Even the rookies take time to come over and give me a quick hug, but Jules comes last and I really can’t meet his gaze. He squeezes my shoulder then pulls me in for a longer hug.

“You saw what I was like before Gab bought the Pirates, before you, Milkman, and Twocox came here. All of you helped me climb out of that hole I was digging myself into, and we’re all here for you too, Eagle.

” He leans back, and this time he waits until I look into his eyes.

“Take it from me, don’t even start digging.

Telling us was a great thing, and we all know it wasn’t easy, but you gotta let yourself feel all the feelings, okay kid? ”

I can’t hold back a tear then.

“You’re a great fucking captain,” I croak out.

He laughs and pulls me in again, slaps my back twice, then ruffles my hair.

“You’ll be one someday too.” He winks at me, then goes back to his cubby.

I don’t really want to think about a world where Jules isn’t my captain, that seems wrong on so many levels, and even though part of me loves that he sees that potential in me, it’s just another thing I can’t think about right now.

As I get ready for practice I make a bargain with myself—for now, for today, I’ll focus only on hockey. Then once the game against Vancouver is done and we’ve gotten our W, I’m finally going to do some real thinking about Silas.

We do win, and I can barely sleep from the adrenaline still coursing through my veins. Laney put the first line in for only five minutes, but I scored in one of those shifts, and that pride reminded me how fucking amazing it is to be a hockey player.

Which just makes me think about Silas again.

I use the sleepless hours to once again go over every word he’s said to me in the past couple of months.

I see the gaps once I’m looking for them.

He didn’t talk about hockey, not unless he was put on the spot, and the heartbreak I’m feeling at not being enough for him has to be what he’s felt all these years, right?