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CHAPTER THIRTY

Revelations

W hy? Why had I realised this now ? Why couldn’t I have just gone on in blissful ignorance of my real feelings for Joel? I couldn’t even call him DJH anymore. I couldn’t blame him for making me fall in love with him.

I could blame myself though. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have let myself fall in love with a guy who was a serial flirt, who collected women the way kids collected Pokémon cards?

If I let Joel know that I loved him, he’d run so fast I’d choke on his dust. How was I going to face him, knowing how I felt? How could I keep him from figuring it out and freaking out on me?

It was almost a surprise when I looked up and realised that I was at the front door of my apartment building. Had I been so deep in my own head the whole way home?

As I climbed off my bike my mobile rang. I pulled it out of my pocket.

It was Joel.

I didn’t answer. If he wanted me, he would leave a message.

If he really wanted me, he would call back.

If he called three times, I’d answer the third.

Yes, that would be okay. And I’d tell him that I’d forgotten I had some important appointment.

I’d act all blasé about it and he wouldn’t suspect a thing.

I scrambled up the stairs with my bike slung over one shoulder. When I reached my landing, I juggled the bike while I sorted through my keys for the one to unlock my front door, reaching out to slip it into the lock.

I froze.

The door was slightly ajar. I put down my bike and left it leaning up against the wall. Through the crack in the door, I could see that the apartment was in darkness. My heart kicked up a notch.

Should I just leave, go to the police and get someone else to check it out for me? No, it was probably nothing – I’d probably forgotten to lock it. I’d been pretty distracted all day.

Still, I locked my key between the knuckles of one hand before I pushed the door open.

Blood.

Gaping mouth.

Bulging eyes.

The flashback hit me with such force I gasped. I pulled back the hand that had started to reach for the light switch – this felt way too familiar. I wasn’t sure I wanted to see what was going on inside my apartment.

I was terrified. I wanted Joel with me so bad it hurt.

My mobile rang again, making me jump nearly out of my skin. Joel again. Call number two. I cancelled the call. I was stuck with one foot inside my apartment, one outside. Afraid to go in, afraid to run.

“You haven’t returned my calls,” a voice inside the apartment accused.

In my fear and confusion, I didn’t put two and two together.

The only calls I could remember not returning were the two from Joel just now.

But it couldn’t be Joel’s voice inside the apartment.

I took a step inside and flicked on the light.

“Brad! What are you doing here? How did you get in?” I demanded, feeling so relieved my knees were weak. “Did I leave the door unlocked?”

Brad was sitting in the lounge chair beside the TV. Connor was curled up in his lap, purring loudly.

He shook his head. “You don’t even remember, do you?” he asked, a hint of hurt in his voice. I walked in and sunk down on the lounge, staring at him blankly.

“Remember what?” I asked.

Brad shook his head in disgust. “You gave me a key last year, remember? At the same time you gave one to Amanda, so that if she couldn’t make it over to feed Connor, I could instead.”

I collapsed back against the lounge – I had forgotten. “So, you’ve been letting yourself in to keep an eye on things when I’ve been overseas?” I asked.

Brad nodded. “Unlike some people, I keep my promises.”

I flushed, finally remembering the calls that I hadn’t returned. Had it only been earlier that day that I’d had a conversation with Amanda about it? It felt like weeks ago, so much had happened to me in the last few hours.

“Listen, Brad, I’m really sorry. It’s been so hectic for me the last couple of weeks. It really has! I’m not kidding. I was going to call you this evening.”

Brad’s cold face shifted, softened, his grey eyes concerned. “Mel, I’ve been really worried about you. You have no idea how hard it’s been for me to give you space, when all I want is to …” his voice trailed away.

I stared at him hard. “What do you want, Brad?” I prompted, although I had a feeling this was not a conversation I wanted to be having right now.

Brad stood up swiftly and moved onto the lounge beside me, his eyes earnest as they locked with mine.

“I love you, Mel. I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember.

All through high school, I had to watch you with that douche Grant Johnson, and wonder what you saw in him.

The last year has been amazing, you were single, I felt like I could have more of you.

“But it’s not enough for me anymore. I need you, Mel, I want all of you.”

I gaped in shock. He stopped talking and looked at me expectantly. I supposed he was waiting for me to answer.

I had no idea what to say.

“I … I can’t … Brad, I’m sorry, but I can’t deal with this right now. ” I shook my head, looking down at my lap, afraid he’d read in my eyes the reason why I couldn’t deal with it.

“Why not?” His voice was bitter. I should look him in the eyes, tell him the truth. But I couldn’t.

“I just … can’t.”

I heard the breath hiss through his teeth. “It’s Joel, isn’t it? Damn it!”

I sneaked a look up at him then, shocked at the fury in his voice. Shocked that he’d worked it out.

“No! It’s not Joel! I’m just … not in a place to be starting anything right now.”

“Don’t lie to me! I’m not blind, Mel! I’ve seen the way he looks at you. I’ve seen the way you look at him ! He’s not in love with you, Mel. He just wants you to think that you have feelings for him so that he can get you into his bed!”

I swallowed the hard lump that was forming in my throat. Somehow hearing my own deep-seated fear voiced out loud by someone else made it a thousand times more painful.

“I’m not in love with Joel,” I muttered, but the words lacked conviction.

“Oh Christ, Mel, you are in love with him! How could you be so stupid ?” Brad grated out, taking my hand from my lap and squeezing it. I snatched it away from him and stood up. Time to be honest.

“I don’t know! I don’t know why I feel like that about him!

But I can’t switch it off you know! Just like I can’t magically make myself feel things for you that aren’t there!

Believe me, Brad, it’s just not there for me.

I’m sorry that it is for you, but it would be wrong of me to lead you on.

That’s why I haven’t returned your calls …

“I know I should have told you earlier, but I just … couldn’t find the right words. I’m probably using all the wrong ones now, but I can’t lie anymore.”

Brad stood up and folded his arms across his chest. “Have you slept with him?” he asked quietly, dangerously.

“What?”

“Have. You. Slept. With. Him?” he grated .

I took a step away. “Uh …” I stammered, “that’s none of your business!”

Brad slammed the palm of his hand against his forehead, as if he were trying to knock loose some horrible image inside his mind.

“Of course you have!” He glared icily at me. “When? Before the night we kissed?”

I took another step away from him. “No, Brad!”

He looked down at the floor, snarling out his next words through clenched teeth. “You always make the wrong choices, Mel. Always !”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I demanded. Outside my kitchen window the sky lit up with lightning, followed by a rumble of thunder in the distance. Outside a storm was brewing. Inside my apartment, one was already in full swing.

“You choose the wrong men! You spent seven years with Grant Johnson, even though he was sleeping around behind your back for most of that time. Then you get yourself involved with Steve Herbert –”

“Leave Steve out of this, Brad!” I snapped.

“Steve Herbert treated you like a commodity. To him you were nothing more than a vehicle for him to keep his foot in the tennis door, because his own son had been such a disappointment to him. He treated you like dirt unless you were doing exactly what he wanted. Mel, I don’t know how you couldn’t see all this for yourself! ”

I shook my head. “It wasn’t like that at all – sure I complained to you about Steve a lot, but he was … he was like a father to me! He didn’t just care about my career. He cared about me. Besides, I guess, unlike you, I try to see the good in people.”

Brad glared at me. “Yeah, well that’s worked out really well for you, hasn’t it? I mean, look where that got you with Ben! Another massive mistake! You jumped into the deep end before you found out what he was really like – a psychopathic stalker!”

I looked down at the floor – Brad didn’t know the half of how bad Ben had turned out to be.

“But you weren’t satisfied until you humiliated yourself with every male in the Herbert family. You let Joel Herbert the serial slut work his magic on you, and now you’re well and truly under his spell. He’ll chew you up and spit you out just like he does every girl he sleeps with.”

Tears burned behind my eyelids, but I didn’t want to give Brad the satisfaction of seeing me cry.

My phone rang again. I let it ring out.

“Get out, Brad,” I whispered, moving towards the door and opening it for him. “Please, just get out.”

“Don’t worry, Mel, I will. I’m going to end this now!”

He stormed out before I could gather my thoughts enough to ask what exactly he meant by that.

When the door closed behind him, I flopped down on the lounge, finally releasing the wracking sobs I’d been holding in for hours.

Brad had said a lot of angry shit and not all of it was true. But what he said about Joel … that hurt. In my head I’d known things with Joel could only ever be casual – that was my MO as much as it was his.

But my heart … it was dreaming about more.

Brad’s feelings for me would no doubt disappear very quickly now; he clearly didn’t have much respect for me and my decisions.

‘I’m going to end this now’ . Thinking about his parting words sent ice creeping up my spine.

Another sheet of lightning lit the sky as my phone beeped with a voicemail.

It was from Joel.

“Mel, listen, I don’t know why you’re not answering, but I hope you’re okay and that you’re not mad at me.

I don’t know what made you run out like that.

I really need to talk to you. I think we need to sit down together and discuss this, before it gets out of hand.

I’m not going anywhere – I’ll be home all night, so if you can …

look, please just give me a call and I’ll come round, or you could come round here, or… well, whatever. Just call me, please.”

I clutched at my aching chest. Joel wanted to end things with me because I was too involved. Brad wanted to end … what? His feelings for me? I couldn’t work it out .

Connor pawed at my leg and yowled. I looked at my watch – almost eight. Today had been so long and yet so short. I wished it was over and that it hadn’t even started at the same time.

“Okay Connie, I’ll get your dinner,” I mumbled, my throat thick from crying. I clambered off the lounge and slouched my way into the kitchen, reaching into the cupboard for the big plastic tub of cat biscuits.

Lightning split the sky outside, thunder following so fast and so loud that I flinched. Connor hissed and clawed me.

I gasped in pain, blood welling from my arm. The rain started to pound against my windowpane.

All the floating pieces suddenly clicked inside my skull.

I dropped the biscuits. The container split and they spilled, skittering to all corners of the kitchen. Connor jumped off the bench and started inhaling them off the floor.

I didn’t stop him. I didn’t stop to clean the mess.

I took a shuddering breath and ran to the door. I stopped just inside, then raced to the bedroom, struggling into a rain jacket before hurrying back out the door.

It was dark. It was pouring down with rain. It was freezing cold. But I had no choice. I manhandled my bike down the stairs, flicked the lights on, and rode out onto the street.

I hoped I wasn’t already too late.