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CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Adjectives

I wiped the sweat from my face. The weather in London was uncharacteristically muggy. I set my jaw and walked back onto the court for set two of round one. Against Yu Yang.

The little Chinese girl looked like she hadn’t even broken a sweat in the first set, the one she’d won in a tie breaker. Well at least it had gotten to a tie breaker. I had to win this next set. I couldn’t face the shame of bowing out in round one, when everyone had such high hopes for me.

Please God , I begged silently, pitifully. Please let me get past round one, for Natalie’s sake.

I took my place at the baseline to serve.

God must have listened to me.

All the doubts that were lurking inside me vanished, to be replaced by steely determination. I eyed Yu Yang calculatingly as I served. She was good. She was freakishly good. But I was going to beat her.

The further into the game I got the surer I became. The second set was mine six four. I’d found my form. The third set was even more decisive – six two. As the crowd applauded and I shook Yu Yang’s hand over the net, I waited for happiness to settle over me. Or relief. Or anything, really.

Nope … just low-level anxiety, bubbling away in the pit of my st omach like a simmering pot, just waiting for someone to turn up the heat and watch it explode.

I was subdued as I completed my press conference and my recovery. I was morose as I inhaled my chicken and rice. I was downright miserable in the car on the way back to the serviced apartments we were staying in.

Joel watched me surreptitiously as I climbed out of the car. He knew something was up, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk to him about it. I wasn’t sure that he’d understand.

I did some yoga to try and clear my mind, but I still felt mopey. I watched some British TV to try and distract myself, but that didn’t work either. It didn’t help that I could feel Joel watching me the whole time, and that made me think about the things I was trying to stop myself thinking about.

Joel served up steak and salad for dinner and I plonked myself down at the dining table, picking at it grumpily. Joel sighed.

“You’re fretting, Stink,” he said. I shrugged and Joel leaned closer. “What’s up? You should be fired up – you had a decisive win and you’ve got a day off tomorrow.”

I moved a cherry tomato around on my plate. “It’s nothing,” I muttered.

Joel was having none of that. “Just get it off your chest, Mel!” he commanded.

My head snapped up to look at him and I just blurted it out. “I have never felt so much pressure to win in my life! Natalie told her dad she had a good feeling about me. Everyone has been saying things like ‘when you win at Wimbledon’ and … your dad … he would have …”

“He would have known that no matter what happens, Mel, you’re doing your best, playing your best.”

“No, it doesn’t feel like that’s enough anymore,” I blubbered, my tears overflowing. I wiped angrily at my streaming eyes.

Joel had gotten quite comfortable with my extreme emotions – I’d certainly given him a lot of practise with them these last few months. He leaned towards me over the table and pulled my hands into his. They we so big they made mine look tiny and delicate .

“Okay, lets deal with this, once and for all. You don’t owe anyone anything when it comes to your tennis.

If you start feeling like your performance is all for others it’s never going to end well for you, even if you do win here at Wimbledon, because there will always be the next one, and the next one, and the stakes will start to feel too high.

“Do this for you, Mel. Sure, you can feel inspired by Natalie and by Dad. But at the end of the day, this is for you. Okay?”

I nodded.

“Anything else that you want to get out, while you’re already crying?”

“Brad probably hates me because we kissed and then I freaked out!” I wailed.

Joel huffed. “Stinky, Brad doesn’t hate you. He could never hate you. He loves you.”

I shook my head, tears plopping into my salad. “He doesn’t love me. No one can fall in love just like that.” I lifted one hand from Joel’s, snapping my fingers to emphasise my point.

Joel chuckled. “Stink, people can fall in love just like that. People can fall in love from the first time they clap their eyes on someone. And it’s not like this has happened overnight anyway.

He’s been your friend for years. You think you’re incapable of making a guy fall in love with you?

You probably do it all the time and you don’t even realise it. ”

I didn’t like the things that Joel was saying. They made me feel warm and fluttery, and at the same time as if my heart and lungs were suddenly too big to be contained in my chest.

“But I don’t love him – not like that, anyway.”

“Well, if he loves you, he’ll understand. He’ll realise that he can accept it and take whatever piece of you that you’re willing to give. Or if not … well, that’s on him, not on you.”

Joel’s eyes became more serious. “You’ve got a very important tournament to play. You need your wits about you for this. As your coach, I can’t have you moping about something like this. I need your focus to be on your game. And … as your friend … Stink, I hate seeing you so miserable. ”

He reached into his pocket and he pulled out his mobile phone, sitting it on the table in front of me. I looked at it, but made no move to pick it up.

“Give Brad a call, Stinky. Tell him you’re sorry, make it better between the two of you. And then we’ll go out and do something fun this evening, and tomorrow you can train, and relax, and get ready to smash Slavonisovich on Wednesday.”

He was smiling so beautifully at me that I couldn’t help but feel my own lips pulling up at the corners.

I took a deep breath. “Okay, Joel. But I’ll use my own phone.”

I stood up and walked into my bedroom. I didn’t want Joel to hear this conversation. I sat on the edge of the bed and dialled. It rang and it rang. I was about to hang up when Brad answered.

“Hey, Mel,” he panted. “Sorry, I was working out. What’s up?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat – he was acting a little brusquely towards me. Normally he was so happy to hear from me when I was overseas. I tried not to let regret overwhelm me and focussed instead on making it better.

“Working out? Why, got a hot date tonight?” I joked, then winced straight away. That was probably not the best thing to say, considering the last ‘date’ he’d been on.

Brad grunted. “Nope. I had a bad experience recently, so I’m steering clear of women for a while.”

Ouch!

God, please let me find the right words to make things okay between us again.

“Brad, I’m so sorry about that night. I shouldn’t have … we shouldn’t have … what I’m trying to say is that … I shouldn’t have kissed you back. It … I gave you the wrong impression that night.”

Gee, thanks God, that was just sooo articulate!

The breath hissed through Brad’s teeth. I gulped. He wasn’t going to let me off easily, that much was for sure.

“I don’t wish you hadn’t kissed me back,” he muttered darkly.

“Well, I’m sorry anyway. You’re one of my best friends, Brad, and you’ll always have a place in my heart. But … I don’t think I’m ready for what you want. ”

There was a silence on the other end of the phone. I felt the hope just oozing out of me. Then he spoke, and his voice wasn’t cold or angry anymore.

“Do you think you’ll ever be ready for that?” he asked tentatively. I pinched the bridge of my nose.

“I don’t think … this isn’t a conversation for over the phone, in different time zones.”

Brad sighed. “You’re probably right. Dinner when you get back?”

I sighed in relief, and I’m sure he could hear it in my voice when I replied, “Dinner would be great, Brad. But before I go I need to know … we’re still friends, right?”

Another silence. Then, “Of course we are, Smellie. Friends always and forever. No matter what.”

“I’m so lucky to have you, Brad,” I whispered. “See you soon.”

“Good luck, Mel,” he murmured and hung up.

I lay back on the bed and breathed out all the air in my lungs – it felt like the first time in over a week that I’d been able to do that.

There was a knock on the door, but before I said anything, Joel waltzed in. I looked up at him from the bed, a little crossly, but I couldn’t be truly annoyed now that I’d cleared the air with Brad.

“You were listening,” I accused, but it came out teasing, not really angry.

Joel grinned unapologetically. “Of course I was, Stink. I have to make sure that my star pupil is in winning form.” He winked at me.

I sneered cheekily at him. “Uh, I’m your only pupil, and I don’t think that’s the right word really.”

He chuckled and shrugged. “Well, what are you then?” he asked me, lying down on his stomach on the bed beside me and propping his head up in his hands.

“Um, well I guess you’d call me … I don’t know, Joel – you’re the educated one, you tell me what I am!”

His eyes danced merrily. “I can think of a lot of words that describe you, Stinky. I’m just not sure you’ll want to hear them.”

I rolled onto my side and propped myself up on one elbow. “Try me,” I offered. Joel watched me carefully. I raised one eyebrow at him and waited. He smirked back.

“Okay. Let’s see. You’re naive, feisty, sometimes very silly … entertaining, impulsive … this could take a while, you know, there are tonnes of adjectives out there.”

I tapped my fingers on the bedspread and grinned antagonistically at him. “Come on, you can do better than that.”

Joel looked away – not his usual style – and traced the pattern on the bedspread with a fingertip. Then he turned back to me and his eyes were blazing.

“Well, you’re very fit … and I don’t just mean that in the athletic way …” I felt my breath hitch up a notch. Joel grinned at me – he knew he was getting a reaction now.

“In fact, I’d go as far as to say that you’re beautiful … especially when you’re naked.” He winked at me and I felt the blush spread on my face.

He jumped off the bed. “And you’re about to be very excited.”