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CHAPTER NINETEEN

Free Falling

B y the time we got back to the Eastern Suburbs from the North Shore, the adrenaline had worn off and I was trembling so hard my teeth chattered.

“Are you going to tell me what happened now?” Brad asked me as he took the key out of my quaking hands and let us into the apartment. I made my way to the lounge and fell onto it.

“Mel, what are these marks on your arms?” Brad demanded. I felt him touching me, his fingers cool on the sore parts of my forearm. I couldn’t answer. My voice had gone into hiding.

“Did he hurt you anywhere else?” Brad asked, his voice quiet. I shook my head, eyes still closed.

I had that feeling I sometimes got when I was really drunk, and I lay down, like I was falling from a great height, even though I knew I was lying in my bed. Like I was free falling.

I opened my eyes to stop the sensation, and my vision was filled with Brad’s concerned face peering down at me, his grey eyes grave. My own eyes filled up with tears. And once they started, I couldn’t stop them – they flowed harder and faster, until my body shook with sobs.

Brad held me close, and I clung to him, the sobs slowly subsiding until I was just weeping pitifully. Brad leaned back to look at me .

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked. I shook my head, wiping the tears away.

“Just don’t let go of me, okay?” I whispered. Brad held me tighter.

“He didn’t deserve you anyway, Mel. If he treated you badly, he doesn’t deserve you.”

“I wish I’d never met him!” I groaned against Brad’s shoulder. “I wish he’d leave and never come back!”

Brad pulled me upright, so he could wrap his arms around me properly.

“I wish I could make him go away for you, Mel.”

I looked up at him then. He reached towards my face and brushed a stray tear off my cheek. He seemed on the verge of saying something to me – his mouth opened and closed once or twice, like he couldn’t decide whether to say it or not.

Instead, he leaned in and brushed his lips timidly against mine. I didn’t fight it. I let it happen. It was soft, sweet. Comforting.

He broke away from me.

“Mel, you know what I said earlier, about trust?” I nodded.

“Well … I want to earn your trust. I want … there’s so much that I want, but … not now. Not while you’re hurting about Ben. I don’t want you to do anything unless you want to.”

I leaned over and put my head on his shoulder. He stroked my hair gently.

“I feel safe when you’re here,” I whispered to him.

“I’m glad I can make you feel that way, Smellie.”

A thumping on the door interrupted us. My heart started hammering in my chest and I looked at Brad in fear.

“Should I go and see who it is?” he asked. I hesitated, then nodded. If it was Ben, he wouldn’t leave of his own accord, and he would probably break the door down. Brad got up and made his way to the door.

Please, God, let it not be Ben. Let it be anyone but Ben!

It wasn’t Ben. It was Joel. He stormed into the lounge room, pushing past Brad and coming to crouch beside me. His eyes strayed to the bruises purpling on my arms .

“What happened?” he growled dangerously. I didn’t want to talk about it, but his tone didn’t leave room for defiance. I relayed as briefly as I could the events of the evening.

“Did he hurt you anywhere else?” I shook my head. Not physically anyway. Joel exhaled a deep breath. Brad hovered in the background.

“How did you know, Joel?” I asked, sitting up to get away from his agonised eyes.

“Ben called me, had a massive spray to me about you. He sounded like he was ready to kill you. I got straight in the car and came here to make sure you were okay.” He turned to Brad. “I should have known that you’d have someone here already,” he added darkly.

I scowled at him. “Hey, Brad was the one who took me over there. I had to do something – he seemed to think I was going to shack up with him and start having his babies!”

Joel stood up and glowered down at me. “Why didn’t you call me ?”

I glared back at him. “I don’t have to ask your permission for everything , Joel!”

He turned away from me, his hands on his head, and started pacing the living room.

“This is my fault. This is my fault,” he repeated.

“Um, I think I’ll get going now,” Brad said awkwardly.

“No, you don’t have to leave,” I replied, still glaring at Joel, who continued to pace, head in his hands. What was his deal?

“Actually, I think I do. See you soon, Mel?”

I tried to smile at him, but my face felt tight and uncomfortable. “Yeah, soon Brad.”

He let himself out quietly and I turned to Joel once more.

“What’s all your fault?” I demanded. He stopped pacing and dropped into the chair opposite me, his hands still on his head.

“I should have told you. I had plenty of chances, but I didn’t tell you.”

“Tell me what, Joel? Stop talking in riddles and just give it to me straight. ”

“Tell you about Ben. About what he’s really like.

When he thinks he can get something he wants, he turns on the charm, but as soon as you take it away from him, he completely loses the plot.

I was worried that he might … after what happened in Dubai.

But I didn’t think he’d really go off the rails, otherwise I would have stepped in. ”

He unfolded himself from the chair and came over to sit beside me. He sat so his body was facing mine, turning the full force of his eyes on me.

“I’m sorry, Mel. I should have warned you, should have protected you, but I didn’t think it would go this far.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s not like you forced me to sleep with him,” I said, my eyes dropping to the bruises on my arms. Joel’s hand snaked into my vision, touching the marks gently.

I flinched and he stood and stalked into the bathroom, returning with a tube of ointment, unscrewing the lid with his teeth.

He squeezed some out and started spreading it gently on my skin.

“This should help the cuts and the bruising clear up faster,” he murmured. I sat still while he massaged the ointment in.

“So,” Joel began, a hint of teasing in his tone. “Brad finally kissed you, did he?”

“What?” I blurted, dumbstruck. And then it hit me – he had kissed me. I’d been half spaced out from shock at the time. But it had happened.

“Stinky, he was going to kiss you sooner or later. He’s been wanting to for years.” He looked at me from under thick, full lashes.

Wanting. Brad had mentioned something about that, too.

“Do you think he … does he …?”

Joel chuckled, but there was an edge to it. “Mel, he wants everything you’re prepared to give him. If you haven’t realised this before, then realise it now, because you’re going to have to decide.”

“Decide what?”

“Friend or lover – once you take that leap, there’s no going back.”

Those words, coming from Joel, squeezed at my heart.

“I can’t think about this right now,” I said, leaning my head back against the lounge. “I’m in no state to be thinking about anyone like that.”

I sighed, looking down at the bruises blossoming on my arms. “I’m not an ungrateful slut, am I?” I whispered.

Joel sucked a breath in through his teeth. “He called you that?” he asked in a low voice. I nodded, feeling the tears welling up again.

“I’m also a filthy whore, apparently.”

Joel pulled me against him, tucking me into his side. I put my head on his chest.

“Of course you’re not! Ben, however, is a bad loser who lashes out when he doesn’t get exactly what he wants. He’s been like that ever since we were kids.”

I wiped my tears on his shirt. I’d told Brad that being held by him felt safe. But being held by Joel … I couldn’t find words.

“Do you want me to stay here tonight? Or you could come to my place, if you don’t want to be alone,” he offered.

As soon as the words left his mouth, I knew that being alone was exactly what I needed. I looked up at him and he met my eyes with nothing more than concern showing in his own.

“No, I’ll be fine,” I mumbled.

“Are you sure? I’m happy to stay if you want me to.”

I shook my head. “Sorry, Joel, but it’s … hard to look at you right now. You look so much like Ben.”

Hurt flickered across Joel’s face and he stood up very quickly. “Well, I’ll leave you to it then,” he said stiffly. “Just … call me in the morning, okay? First thing? I need to know that you’re alright.”

I nodded. “I’ll call tomorrow. I promise.”

Joel let himself out quietly. I sat staring at nothing for a long time. Connor came circling round my ankles and I picked him up, cuddling him close to me and lying back on the lounge. His purring was very comforting.

“See, Connie? I don’t need men in my life – I’ve got you!

” I whispered, kissing him on the head. He yowled in disapproval and jumped down.

I snorted. Just like a typical male – they want to be all over you until you do something that makes them uncomfortable, and then all of a sudden they want nothing more than to escape you.

Well, that wasn’t necessarily true. Ben had wanted to force me to be with him, even after I told him that there was nothing between us.

And I’d done loads of stuff that Brad would have every right to feel uncomfortable about, but he …

he wanted, he’d said. There was so much that he wanted.

He’d kissed me! I had been so overwhelmed with everything that had just happened with Ben that I hadn’t really processed the fact that it had happened.

We were going to have to have a conversation about it at some point.

Joel was right, I was going to have to choose: friends or more than friends, with the potential to ruin everything.

And what about Joel?

Yes, what about Joel? The little voice asked snarkily in the back of my head. I couldn’t think about him.

I fell asleep trying not to think about him.

I dreamed that I was on the balcony at Ben’s house. He came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist. I didn’t feel uncomfortable or scared in the dream at all – I felt happy and content to have him holding me this way.

I turned around to kiss him and found myself face to face with Joel. He was scowling down at me, his eyes dark with fury.

“Filthy whore! Ungrateful slut!” he roared at me, putting his hands around my throat and squeezing. I clawed desperately and in vain at his hands, leaning away from him. I felt the cold of the balcony railing pressing into my back, and suddenly I was falling headfirst towards frothing water below.

I woke up with a jolt on the lounge, upsetting Connor, who’d been lying across my throat. No wonder I’d dreamed that I had been choking. I got up and made my groggy way to the bedroom, where I fell into bed and into a blessedly dreamless sleep.

The phone woke me as the sun was peeking through my blinds, fighting valiantly against the heavy, dark clouds that were still rumbling around. I rubbed my bleary eyes and reached for my phone.

“Hello?” I grated, still mostly asleep.

“Stink? Did I wake you?” Joel’s voice shook .

I yawned. “Yes.”

“Don’t turn on the TV, don’t look at your phone, whatever you do. I’m almost at your place.” He hung up.

I unlocked the front door so Joel could get in when he arrived, then I stumbled my way into the bathroom, and ran the shower. The hot water revitalised me a little bit, and by the time I’d washed my hair I was feeling mostly awake. I wrapped a towel around me and stepped out of the bathroom.

Joel was sitting in the living room, staring into space. He was white as a ghost and his lips were a tight, thin line. Something was very wrong. I had been planning on getting dressed, but I found my feet taking me out to the lounge room, where I sat in one of my chairs.

“What is it, Joel?” I asked. He looked at me and his eyes seemed lifeless.

“Ben’s dead.”