Page 38 of Accidentally Falling For My Best Friend (Chicago Awakenings #2)

OAKLEY

December

W hat is wrong with me?

Christmas is tomorrow and I should be wrapped up in blankets with hot chocolate after ice skating in Millennium Park.

I should be enjoying the snow everywhere, walking through the city to take in the beauty of the lights twinkling on every tree and building.

I should be watching Christmas movies or buying last minute presents for my family.

I’ll have to go to my grandparent’s house soon, but I don’t even want to get out of bed.

Parker would probably tell me that I’m acting like a brat with how dramatic I’m being, but it’s his fault I’m even acting like this.

Parker isn’t here.

He left super early this morning in a huge rush, so I didn’t even get to say a proper goodbye.

Aspen actually woke us up, storming into my room in a panic after not finding Parker in his.

Once she knew we were both okay, she muttered a very smug “I knew it,” before telling Parker he had one minute to be out the door.

We must have both slept through his alarm and somehow she got into our condo.

I’m trying to suck it up and follow through with our plan without throwing some huge temper tantrum, but I’m only barely succeeding.

I miss my best friend, dammit.

But helping Aspen is making him happy , I try to remind myself. I take another deep breath and attempt to ignore the unwelcome thoughts about Parker.

What’s he doing with Aspen? Will he always want to be with me behind closed doors? What would he say if I told him I wanted to be more than a friends-with-benefits situation? If I admitted to wanting to publicly date him instead?

The final thought has been consuming far too much of my time over the last month.

Before Thanksgiving, I had been happy enough going along with their plan.

I liked the idea that Parker was making things easier for Aspen.

I just didn’t realize that when he’d agreed to meet her family, it would mean I had to be away from him for Christmas.

But even finding that out, he’s seemed so all-in with publicly dating Aspen, and I can’t really wrap my head around why.

How much longer does he plan to do it? He’s the one always confirming our plans with them, offering to include them in things we’re doing.

He’s talked about how much they’ll like Bora Bora when we visit for the opening, but every time he brings it up, I want to stomp my foot and pout, “but Bora Bora is our thing!” and find an excuse to not invite them.

When I almost punched my brother for accidentally hurting Parker, I knew I had to stop ignoring my own feelings—that it was probably time to admit that I care about him in a way that I’ve never cared about anyone before.

I just don’t know how to tell him that.

But sitting here, alone, I can’t stop thinking about who isn’t here. I can’t stop my thoughts from spiraling, questioning what I should do . Being away from him now has made it really difficult to pretend it isn’t so much more than that.

Maybe there’s a reason that I’ve always been so drawn to Parker. Even when we were younger, he’s always meant more to me than any of my other friends. He’s always been my person. Maybe I’ve always wanted him to be more.

Is that love? Am I in love with him?

Why am I even pretending like I don’t know the answer to that? I obviously am.

I feel incomplete when I’m not with him, like a part of my soul is missing.

I constantly crave his calm, steady presence at my side to set me at ease.

I love how strong he is. Not physically, although I definitely enjoy that too, but how he hasn’t let the shitty hand he was dealt in life break him.

Between his diabetes diagnosis and losing his dad at such a young age, it's a wonder that he isn’t ever bitter or resentful.

I love everything about who he is as a person.

The small things like his fascination with numbers and patterns, how he lights up when he solves a puzzle or finds a way to bring my latest vision to life at work without sending us over budget.

I love his kindness and desire to help others without expecting anything in return, which is the whole reason we’re apart right now as he helps Aspen.

I have no idea when exactly I fell in love with Parker, but I’m done lying to myself about it.

I love him, and I have no idea if it even matters.

If I was confident that he felt the same way, then I wouldn’t hesitate to tell him.

To stop pretending like our arrangement is purely physical and date for real.

We already live together, work together, do everything together.

There are married couples who are far less attached than we are, and I know that dating Parker would be serious.

There would be no casual dating for the two of us, but I don’t want that from him anyway.

The time I’ve spent fooling around with Parker has been the best of my life, and if he’d agree to it, I’d marry him tomorrow.

But I have no idea what he wants when it comes to me.

I’m usually so attuned to him that I know how he’ll react to something before he even gets the chance to do it, but this is different.

He hasn’t given me any indication that he would want more with me.

He hasn’t once hinted at wanting more, even at Thanksgiving when I admitted to wanting to kiss him in front of everyone, he brushed it off.

So, I haven’t said anything more. I’ve ignored the times I’ve wanted to kiss him outside of sex, and I’ve held back from pushing about his motives for wanting to continue to help Aspen for so long.

I’m ignoring the fact that all I can think about as I picture future Christmases is what a little Parker would look like calling me dad.

I think this is the first time in my life I’ve ever really been afraid of something.

Like, truly, paralyzed by my fear. I’m usually so confident, so sure that things will work out, that I don’t hesitate to go after what I want and deal with the consequences later.

I’ve always been popular, I’ve always had my family’s money to fall back on.

Even at work, I have my dad on the board to support me if I suggest something not everyone agrees with.

But the fear of losing Parker if I do or say the wrong thing—that is fucking terrifying.

I don’t think he would ever intentionally cut me out of his life, even if I did royally mess something up between us.

But what if I told him how I really feel, and he doesn’t feel the same way?

What if this really has just been fun experimenting for him?

Or a convenient hookup for someone who’s never loved dating?

What if I tell him and he feels sorry for me?

He could put distance between us, or knowing Parker and how important I am to him, he might try to force something he doesn’t really feel in an attempt to make me happy.

There are so many ways our relationship could change, hurting one or both of us, and I can’t seem to find my usual courage to ignore them to go after what I want.

So here I am, stuck alone on Christmas Eve, wrapped in a blanket that smells like Parker, wishing that I was with the man I love instead, but too afraid to do anything about it.