Page 16 of Accidentally Falling For My Best Friend (Chicago Awakenings #2)

OAKLEY

June

D inner is…awkward.

There’s no other word for it. I keep stealing glances at Parker, wondering if he’s being his normal version of quiet, like he sometimes is in big groups, or if he’s feeling uncomfortable about what happened between us.

Did I make things weird this morning at the gym?

Did he see my erection and now he thinks I’m lusting after him?

Despite my best efforts to follow Parker’s lead today and act like nothing is going on, Beck won’t stop giving me weird looks, raising his brow at me in that silent, inquisitive way of his that always gets me to bare my soul. Not today big brother, this internal freakout does not need an audience.

I’m sure that Beck would be supportive if I did decide to tell him about the kiss and how confused it’s left me, but I’m not ready to talk about it with anyone.

The gym this morning and my physical reaction to Parker during his workout left me with even more questions, and I need to deal with them without opening myself up to his teasing .

I’ve always been able to acknowledge if men are attractive, but I guess I chalked that up to growing up with an openly gay big brother who would comment on things like that.

I didn’t think it meant I was attracted to any of those men.

The same way I can identify if a piece of cake looks good, but it doesn’t mean I actually want to eat it.

But do I really not want to eat it? Or have I been so health conscious for so long that I don’t even consider wanting the cake?

And what does it mean that my mind immediately went to comparing being with a man to eating a universally loved dessert?

Have I been craving cake without realizing it?

What if I’ve been attracted to men this whole time, but I’ve just never considered being with one as a possibility, so I’ve dismissed those feelings?

Did kissing Parker unlock that part of me I’ve kept shut away, even from myself?

I know I should probably talk to someone about what I’m thinking, but Parker is who I’d usually go to about everything, and I obviously can’t go to him when we laughed it off last night and he’s been avoiding the topic all day, acting like things are business as usual between us.

And even though I know he’d be supportive, Beck would also give me so much shit after teasing me about being too close with Parker all of these years.

I’m not ready to face his ribbing when I’m feeling so uncertain about everything.

The kiss last night was no big deal to Parker, which he immediately confirmed.

Based on his caution around me today, I think he’s only worried about how strange I’ve been acting.

I need to evaluate my feelings by myself and figure out how to accept whatever’s going on so we can get back to the way things normally are between us.

I refuse to let anything affect our friendship.

So maybe I’m bi. It’s not like that’s a bad thing.

I’ve always been supportive of the entire LGBTQIA+ community.

And really it shouldn’t change anything.

I already have a great girlfriend, so learning this about myself doesn’t mean I suddenly need to break up with her so I can go experiment with men.

I could live my whole life without another romantic or sexual encounter with a man and it wouldn’t make that label less true.

I like Sage, she’s kind, and we have a great time hanging out together.

Parker and Aspen seem like they have a good thing going for them too.

Before last night, I had no reason to even consider ending things with her, and just because I’m realizing that I’m probably attracted to men as well as women, doesn’t make my feelings for her disappear.

But do I actually have feelings for her? Or did I just want to be in a relationship and one where I didn’t have to sacrifice any time with Parker seemed like a perfect set-up?

I’m not sure.

So, do I want to end things between Sage and I?

That’s the real question, isn’t it? The one that’s been bouncing around my head all day.

Did the kiss and how much I enjoyed it mean I should end things with her?

She kissed her best friend last night too, and I seem to be the only one who was so affected.

Before last night, I’d been thinking of this as the best relationship I've ever been in.

Am I ready to ruin it over some confusion with my straight best friend?

I wish I was confident in that answer. I don’t want to make any drastic changes I’ll end up regretting. I guess all I can really do is try to continue to be honest with myself and with her. If at any point I realize that I don’t want to be with her anymore, I’ll end things.

But with Parker so unaffected by the kiss, it’s clear that the internal struggle I’ve been having today needs to be more of a general “I’m into both girls and guys now” discovery.

It can’t be that I’m into Parker specifically.

He’s the most important person in my life, and I refuse to make things awkward between us by lusting after him.

Nothing has to change.

At least that’s what I keep chanting in my head as I try my best to distract myself. It isn’t working though, so I turn to my big brother, hoping he’ll say something interesting to hold my focus. “So, when do you leave for Montana?”

“After the draft.”

“And what exactly is there to do in Montana?”

“I have no idea, but Cody seems to really love it. He mentioned hiking, and he sends a lot of pictures of the mountains.”

“Mountains are nice,” I say, already losing interest in this conversation.

I can’t seem to stop my gaze from drifting back to Parker where he sits across from me.

Has it always been so interesting to watch him eat?

The way his mouth stretches around each bite of food and how his lips wrap around the fork suddenly feel like a tease.

Like he’s trying to remind me that I know exactly what those soft lips feel like moving against mine.

Fuck. I don’t need an erection during family dinner.

“ Oakley?” Beck asks in a harsh tone that makes me think it wasn’t the first time he’s tried to get my attention.

I shake my head slightly to try to clear the Parker-induced haze that seems to have consumed my brain. “Sorry, what’s up?”

“I asked if you have any travel plans coming up,” Beck says slowly, raising a brow at how oddly I’m acting.

“Oh yeah! Nothing is officially booked yet, but we’re hoping to check out the resort in Bora Bora soon,” I say, looking to Parker again, but at least I have a better excuse this time.

“Does the CFO really need to go?” My younger brother, Lincoln, asks from his spot further down the table. Apparently, not far enough away to give us shit.

“I actually do if I want to prevent Oak from demanding the most expensive version of everything the contractors offer,” Parker deadpans, making our friends laugh.

I don’t think he was trying to be funny, which makes his comment even better in my opinion. I shrug, smiling at Parker, and when our eyes meet as he smiles back at me, something flips in my gut.

Nothing has to change. Nothing has to change.

I’m so fucked.