Page 40 of A New Life in Amsterdam

I dump the shopping at home while becoming more and more angry at myself for being so untrusting of Abe.

So many different thoughts are running through my head as I blame myself for everything.

Did I fear the worst because secretly I have lost confidence over the years?

Has being a wife, mam and a carer for my mam when she was ill, left me somehow feeling unworthy of happiness for myself with such a wonderful man?

It doesn’t take long before I can no longer face staring at the walls of the houseboat all alone, so I put my coat back on and walk down to my favourite bar further down the canal.

I feel the need to be with people as I don’t want to wallow in my own company. I am longing for a distraction.

Sitting under a patio heater with a blanket over me, I order a bottle of wine.

It isn’t often that I go through a bottle on my own but, then again, it isn’t often that I make such a fool of myself.

I don’t stop pouring the wine until my glass is almost full.

I must look like a complete loser sat on my own, filling up my glass like someone desperate, but tonight, that would be an accurate description of how I am feeling.

What difference will it make if I look the way I feel?

I watch couples chatting together and friends gathering, making me feel uncomfortable alone.

My mind is playing tricks, telling me that everyone is staring at me, that they are feeling sorry for the woman on her own with a bottle of wine.

Although the truth is that everyone is having far too much fun with their friends and partners to even notice me.

But with every sip of wine my self-consciousness eases a little more.

When I am three glasses in, I no longer care what people think of me.

I am about to pour myself my fourth glass of wine, knowing full well that I will have a terrible headache when I wake up in the morning, when I spot Abe walking in the direction of home.

Perhaps it’s the wine, or maybe the guilt I feel for thinking the worst of him, but I badly want him to join me.

The truth is that I miss him desperately.

I cough loudly to get his attention, but in the busy street he doesn’t notice, so I call out his name, shouting, and the four women on the table next to me stop talking.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have hollered quite that raucously but at least it gets him to notice me.

He waves but looks as though he will continue walking home, so I gesture for him to come over.

Slowly, he walks towards me, and I thank the wine for giving me the courage to summon him over.

‘Wow, bumped into you twice in one day,’ I say.

‘Yeah, just on my way home. It’s been a busy day.’

I look at the bottle of wine with another glass left in it. I might end up in the canal if I finish it, so I gesture to it and ask Abe to join me.

‘I don’t know. I really should be getting back.’

‘Oh, come on. I honestly can’t finish this by myself, please help me out.’ I give him what I hope is a pleading look.

Abe looks hesitant about joining me and I can’t blame him, but the wine is making me persistent. As a waiter passes, I ask him for an extra glass and Abe finally joins me.

‘So,’ he says.

‘So,’ I reply.

Abe drums his fingers on the wine glass, making no effort at conversation whatsoever.

‘It was nice to meet Johanna today,’ I say, attempting conversation.

‘Yeah. She’s cool.’

‘Yeah, she is.’

Abe looks down at his wine glass, then at the boats going along the canal. He gazes everywhere except towards me.

Since small talk isn’t working, I figure only an apology for my strange behaviour will save any relationship between us, even if we are left with just a friendship as neighbours, going forward. I will accept his decision whatever he chooses.

‘Abe, since you’re here with me now, I wanted to apologise about the other night. I had a terrible headache and wasn’t really thinking straight. I never meant to upset you.’

‘Thanks. I appreciate it. I don’t know what I did to upset you. I think that’s the hardest thing. I’ve gone over it in my mind, wondering if I did something. One minute we were getting on so well, and the next you said you wanted a break. Am I really that annoying?’

‘Oh, Abe.’ I lean over to touch his hand, but he pulls it away from me. ‘You are the least annoying man I’ve ever met. It doesn’t matter what we do, or how much time we spend together, you could never get on my nerves. I love being with you.’

‘Then why did you decide we should take a break?’

I take a sip of wine and then another. There is nothing else for it: I will have to confess.

‘You’re going to think that I am completely bonkers, but do you remember when I walked into the cafe with the paint chart?’

‘Yes, and you dropped it on the floor. You were acting weird.’

‘Yeah, it’s just that I saw you talking to Johanna. I was so excited, coming to tell you that I’d chosen the paint, and then I heard you talking to her about a date. I managed to understand what you were both saying from my limited Dutch, and then I saw you giving her your phone number.’

‘Yes, for the dog homing day. She needed to check with Famke.’

‘I get that now. I got completely the wrong end of the stick. I thought perhaps you wanted some kind of open relationship. I’m so embarrassed.’

Abe looks shocked. ‘Are you serious?’

‘Well. I mean, Johanna is a very attractive woman. I just thought you might be more interested in her than me.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me this? Why didn’t you speak to me, instead of making me think you didn’t like me?’

‘Oh, Abe. I like you more than you can ever imagine. That is why I didn’t dare bring it up. I just admitted defeat. Johanna’s younger and way cooler than me. I didn’t think I could begin to compete.’

‘Wow.’ Abe sits back and looks at me.

‘So, there you go. I’ve told you the truth.’

‘Thanks for telling me, but I just wish you’d been straight with me from the start. Maybe you need to remember to say what’s on your mind instead of making excuses.’

‘I know, but I felt stupid admitting my suspicions. I thought perhaps you assumed there were no commitments between us and that you felt we were free to see whoever we wanted. You did say right at the start that you weren’t asking me to be your steady girlfriend.

So I didn’t want to demand to know who the woman was. ’

‘Sandy, I’d never want to be sleeping around with other women. I can’t believe you would even think that of me. We had such a great thing, why would anyone want to spoil that?’

‘Had?’

‘Yeah. We had a brilliant thing.’

I take a big drink and ask Abe the question that is burning inside me.

‘Do you think you could forgive me for being so silly? Could we try again?’

Abe doesn’t respond immediately, and makes me wait for his reply as he slowly sips his wine. My heart is beating so fast as I wait for his answer that I fear he will see it jumping out of my chest.

‘I’d hate to lose something so good, but if we have any hope of things working out between us then you need to be more open with me,’ he says.

‘I will, I promise.’

‘If something is bugging you about me then you must tell me. Otherwise we can never know what’s wrong.’

‘Of course. I’ll never keep my fears to myself again. If I have a problem, I’ll tell you straight.’

‘Good. Then let’s start again. Come here. I’ve missed you.’ Abe pushes his chair close to mine and hugs me. I snuggle into his neck and kiss his lips.

‘Oh Abe, I’ve missed you too. I’m so sorry. I promise never to be so suspicious and silly again.’

‘It’s okay, I forgive you. Although you may have to make it up to me.’ Abe gives me one of his naughty grins, and you don’t have to be psychic to work out where he is going with this one.

‘I’d say we have a lot of making up to do,’ I agree.

‘Good, then your place or mine?’

‘How about yours for a change?’

Abe agrees, and takes my hand in his and kisses it. Then he calls the waiter for the bill and once again I find myself walking hand in hand along the canal with Abe, which is the best feeling in the world.