Page 38 of A New Life in Amsterdam

Once I am home and close the door, any bravery I tried to show outside is long gone. I start sobbing and once I start, I can’t stop. I fling the Dutch homework that is still on the table across the room.

‘Damn you,’ I shout. Stupidly I think that if I hadn’t understood what Abe was saying then I might not be so hurt.

Truthfully, though, I know that I needed to find out.

What was I thinking? Abe is a handsome man who has everything.

It’s time to admit that I got swept away with the romance of a houseboat and the charming guy from next door.

Abe lives his life so freely that thinking he only wanted to be with me shouldn’t have even occurred to me.

I should have known better. Just because he makes me feel like the only woman on earth when he is with me, it doesn’t mean that is how he behaves when we are apart.

I suppose it is lucky I found out now, before I get even more hurt. So much for him wanting to meet Hannah!

In between tears and trying to work out why I didn’t spot any red flags earlier, I turn to my knitting.

It feels cathartic, taking my anger out with the clicking of the knitting needles.

They go ten to the dozen as I clack away in a temper.

My mood ranges from sad to angry and then to one of annoyance.

Although I don’t know if I am more annoyed at myself or at Abe.

After all, did he promise me anything? I merely assumed everything.

It’s not like he ever said that he wouldn’t ask anyone else out on a date now that we were casually seeing each other, although surely that’s not the done thing unless he is polyamorous and has forgotten to tell me that little nugget of information.

Perhaps I have read this whole thing wrong.

Abe never promised me anything; we were simply having fun together.

However, I think about how Beatrix called me Abe’s girlfriend when she introduced me at book club.

She must have thought there was something to our relationship.

Which suddenly reminds me that tonight I am due to be at book club and it is my pick!

That’s all I need. Abe will be here at seven p.m, all smiles, ready to walk over to Beatrix’s.

I don’t want to tell him what I saw and act like a jealous ogre.

Quite honestly, I don’t know how to handle any of it.

By the time Abe comes over to collect me for book club, I decide the only thing to do is feign a headache. When I hear him knock on the door, I answer him in my dressing gown. I only hope he doesn’t look at my puffy eyes.

‘Hey, did I catch you early?’

‘No, not at all. I can’t make it. Sorry.’

‘Really? Are you sick? You look a little…’

A little what? Sad?

‘Got a bit of a migraine, that’s all.’

‘Do you want me to stay in with you? We can have a quiet night if you prefer. I’ll let Beatrix know.’

‘No, you go ahead. You know what it’s like when you have a headache. Bed is the best place.’

‘Are you sure you’re okay? Because you dropped your paint chart and seemed to run out when I saw you earlier.’

‘Oh, yeah. That. I had to rush off suddenly. Felt a bit faint. Maybe it was the migraine coming on then.’

‘I wondered what was wrong. You looked like you’d seen a ghost.’

Seen a ghost? He must realise that I saw him giving the woman his number but he doesn’t seem to care. Is he that blasé that he assumes something else must be wrong? I don’t know what he thinks about free love and open relationships, but it’s certainly not for me.

‘Oh, no. It’s just this headache. Look, you go over to Beatrix’s, and please give her my apologies. I am terribly sorry for not being there when it was me who chose the book.’

‘It’s fine. She’ll understand. The most important thing is that you rest.’

‘Thanks. Enjoy yourself.’ Perhaps I’m doing him a favour. After all, if I’m not there then he can call the woman for a date even sooner.

‘I won’t enjoy it as much without you.’

I give him a fake smile and pretend I am gullible enough to think he means it, and bid him goodnight.

Then I return to the knitting and clickety-clack until I get cramp in one of my hands and feel the start of a genuine migraine.

In the morning, when I am still in bed sulking, I hear a knock on the door. The last thing I want to do is answer it, but I need to check in case it’s the postman with a parcel I’m expecting from Debbie. She said she was going to send me some of my favourite tea bags.

I throw on my dressing gown but find Abe at the door.

‘Good morning, I brought you some pastries. They say sweet things help migraines. Are you feeling any better?’

‘No, not really. I’m still in bed.’

‘Sorry I disturbed you. Take these, and I’ll leave you to sleep a while longer. You get back to bed. Shall I pop over later to check on you?’ says Abe, handing me a plate of various pastries.

‘No, don’t worry. You go and enjoy yourself doing whatever you fancy. I’ll only be here, miserable, with a headache.’

‘I don’t mind. I’m happy sitting on the sofa with you.’

‘It’s fine. Thanks. Maybe we’ve been seeing a lot of each other recently, anyhow.’

Abe stands back.

‘I thought you liked spending time with me. I’m sorry if you felt it was too much.’

Oh, Abe. It was never too much. I have loved every moment with you, but I have to protect myself here. I am not about to get myself into some polyamorous relationship. I just don’t know how to say it out loud.

‘It wasn’t. I just feel that maybe we should cool things down a bit, you know?’

‘Wow. I wasn’t expecting that. So do you really have a headache, or are you trying to get rid of me?’

He might be direct, but I am not as confrontational.

‘No, I do have a terrible headache. I just also think we need a bit of space between us.’

‘Well, that’s difficult when we live next door to each other, but I get the hint.’

I look at his face. It surprises me that he seems so disappointed.

‘Thanks anyway for bringing this over.’

Abe doesn’t answer and storms off. Looking at the delicious pastries with blackberries and blueberries, I feel a teeny bit guilty for upsetting him, until I remember the reason behind it. Perhaps it is just his pride that is hurt and not because he cares.

For the rest of the weekend, I keep a low profile. I don’t want to bump into Abe until things have cooled down a little, and so I stay within the confines of the houseboat to ensure I avoid him.

As my mind is consumed by Abe, how much I miss him and how we should have started painting New Beginnings today, it completely slips my mind that it is also knitting Monday until I hear a knock on the door and chattering outside. Oh, heck.

I quickly throw some magazines on the shelf under the table and try to clear up. There isn’t enough time to get the place as I’d like it but, following another knock on the door, I have no choice but to answer it.

‘Beatrix, hi.’

‘Hi, did you forget it’s knitting tonight?’ she says, looking at me as I put my hand through my hair to tidy myself up.

‘Yeah. Sorry. The weekend went so fast. That’s what happens when you’re not working, I suppose. You don’t realise what day it is.’

‘You look like you just got out of bed. Anything you want to share? Where’s Abe?’ says Theresa, laughing as she peeps out from behind Beatrix.

‘He’s not here. It’s nothing exciting. Just had a bit of a headache. Anyway, now you’re all here, come on in.’

Fortunately, I have a bottle of wine in the fridge and so I get them all a drink and start where we left off during the last session.

Beatrix has already made half a scarf, her friend, Alex, has half a side of the body of a jumper and Theresa has half a willy warmer knitted up.

At this rate, she will be able to fulfil her wish of giving it to her husband as a Christmas present. I just hope he likes it.

As the ladies chat and sip their wine, I try my best to remain jovial with them, but I feel so flat that I am finding it difficult. I go to pour more wine when Beatrix approaches me, looking concerned.

‘Hey, I didn’t want to ask in front of everyone else, but are you okay?’

‘Yes, of course. I’m sorry about tonight. I honestly lost track of time. It’s been a bit of a mad weekend.’

‘Yeah, Abe said that he hasn’t seen you and you didn’t make book club. I was worried about you.’

‘Oh, yes, I’m sorry about book club. That was unforgivable when it was my book choice as well. I had a terrible headache, but I should probably tell you now that I don’t think I’ll be able to make the next one. I might not be able to come to any of them, actually.’

‘Why not? Have my brother or I done something to upset you?’

‘No, Beatrix. You’re so sweet. You’ve not done anything to upset me. You could never upset me.’

‘Then my brother has upset you. Is that what’s happened?

I must be honest, he confided in me and said you didn’t want to see him.

He can’t understand what went wrong. And neither can I.

But I don’t know the facts, and you don’t have to tell me.

I think it’s a shame, that’s all. You seemed so perfect for each other. ’

‘Yeah, well, I also thought that but I guess we weren’t.’

‘We all did. I’m sorry you changed your mind about him.’

‘I didn’t change my mind about him. He’s a great guy, it’s just we are in different places in our lives.’

‘You’re both on houseboats in Amsterdam. I’d say you’re practically in the same place,’ says Beatrix, smiling.

‘It’s just that sometimes one of you wants more from a relationship and someone may want less. I guess you need to find that balance and, for us, we weren’t on the same page. My feelings changed over time, and perhaps I got too involved.’

‘Okay, well, that’s a shame because I know Abe was serious about you, but I understand if you don’t feel the same way. Anyway, this is not my business. Although, so you know, I’m also here as a friend, not just Abe’s sister.’

I listen to what Beatrix is saying. Abe was serious about me? It’s probably best I don’t tell her the truth about what I witnessed. Perhaps she doesn’t know.

‘So, anyhow, I spoke to the guy at the market. They think something is coming up very soon. A stallholder verbally gave notice, and management is waiting for them to give it in writing and then they’ll open up the waiting list. You might have that chance to get your stall.’

‘Really? That’s wonderful news.’

‘Yeah, isn’t it great? Let’s keep our fingers crossed it can be yours. Once I hear something, I’ll arrange a meeting for you.’

‘Amazing. How on earth can I thank you for this? It really would be a dream come true if it comes off.’

‘You don’t have to thank me. You’ve taught me to knit, something I always wanted to master, and look how much fun we have together.’

I look around at the ladies in the room as they chat and laugh with each other and my enthusiasm for our biweekly Monday-night knitting returns. No matter what happens between Abe and me, these ladies have become my friends.

‘Come on, let’s have another glass of wine,’ I say, as I put my friendship with Beatrix and the rest of the knitting group before any drama with Abe.